


if there's a shadow, there must be light

by eclipsed (wasatch_97)



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Amputation, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys In Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Infidelity, Falling In Love, First Love, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Forbidden Love, Headspace, Hidden Relationship, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Lee Minho | Lee Know-centric, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Obsessive Behavior, References to Depression, Sad Lee Minho | Lee Know, Separation, Sweet Han Jisung | Han, Temporary Character Death, True Love, bc minsung soulmates, class conflicts, guryong village, high school/college au, please give this a chance, rich/poor, transtibial amputation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:00:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 52,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23450581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wasatch_97/pseuds/eclipsed
Summary: “Do you want me to stay in love with a memory?” Somewhere inside of Minho it feels like something has broken. “Someone who is real loves me, Innie. He can hold my hand and make me laugh and take care of me. Is it wrong for me to be loved?” Jeongin stays silent and Minho takes a breath. “I’ve moved on. I’m happy.”Jeongin snorts, “If you’ve really moved on from hyung why haven’t you started drawing again? Why don’t you eat street food? If you’ve moved on why,” he grabs Minho’s left hand, holding it up, “do you still wear the ring hyung gave you?” He takes Minho’s other hand, “If you’ve moved on from hyung why do you wear his ring on your left hand while you wear Hyunjin-hyung’s ring on your right hand?” Jeongin drops his hands and stands up. “If you’ve moved on from hyung why do you still have pictures of him? Why do you call out for him in your sleep?”Jeongin shakes his head, anger and disappointment in his eyes. “You still love him. You’ve been lying to yourself ever since you got together with Hyunjin. Call it a blessing or call it a curse, you’re never going to truly love anyone but Jisung-hyung, and that’s the truth.”
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Minho | Lee Know
Comments: 82
Kudos: 175





	1. devil's snare

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This chapter is a repost and it isn’t the best/not that interesting but I promise the story will get better!! I hope you enjoy~
> 
>  **Important:** Guryong Village was an illegal encampment outside of Seoul that was demolished in 2015. It was known for having fires from unsafe heating/cooking methods. It'll be important!
> 
>  **cw:** implied sexual content

_November 2015  
[Six months after the fire]_

“Hyung, are you leaving?” 

Minho pauses in rummaging through his bag to peer up at his brother. “Yeah, Hyunjin is taking me out.” 

“Oh.” 

Minho snorts as he sits down on the edge of his bed. “I can hear your disappointment, Jeongin.” 

Jeongin scurries from the door to the bed and sinks onto the mattress beside Minho. “I just…” 

“I know,” Minho sighs, wrapping an arm around his brother's shoulders. “I know you wish things had turned out differently but I’m with Hyunjin now and I’m happy. I really care for him, Innie, and he cares for me.” 

“It’s just that,” Jeongin's gaze is fixed on the spot where he's playing with a rip in his jeans, “it's just that nothing is similar to what it was like before. _You_ are different, hyung. So different.” 

Minho closes his eyes, the weight of his past sinking into his bones. “Jeongin, please, I don’t want to get into this today.” 

Jeongin nods and finds Minho’s hand to squeeze it. The action makes Minho ache - an ache has been growing ever since Jeongin first spoke. “Yeah, I’m sorry.” 

“Please, try to get along with Hyunjin? I’ve been with him for what, four, almost five months now? You liked him when we all went to school together, nothing has had to change.” 

“I get along with him fine,” Jeongin replies through a pout. 

Minho rolls his eyes with a smile; he's never been able to stay annoyed with Jeongin. “Be happy for me, Innie. I deserve to have someone, don’t I?”

“I was never not happy for you." Jeongin picks at the strings from the rip in his jeans, and he seems to turn hostile right before Minho's eyes. “But sometimes wonder if Hyunjin-hyung is the right person for you. He's not who he could be, who you deserve to have.” 

Minho knows his expression falls at Jeongin's words; he's always sought the approval of his brother, but there's a line now. A line he made not long ago, but has promised to live by. So he retracts his arm, leaving the warmth of his one remaining safe place. “Jeongin, you don’t get to pick and choose who I’m with, not now. Just because I loved someone before doesn’t mean I can never love again. Are you so cruel that you'd hate for me to have a safe relationship?”

“Do you - do you love Hyunjin?” 

Minho looks down at his hands. 

“Hyung, but—” 

“Do you want me to stay in love with a memory?” Somewhere inside of Minho it feels like something has broken. “Someone who is real loves me, Innie. He can hold my hand and make me laugh and take care of me. Is it wrong for me to be loved?” Jeongin stays silent and Minho takes a breath. “I’ve moved on. I’m happy.” 

Jeongin snorts, “If you’ve really moved on from hyung why haven’t you started drawing again? Why don’t you eat street food? If you’ve moved on why,” he grabs Minho’s left hand, holding it up, “do you still wear the ring hyung gave you?” He takes Minho’s other hand, “If you’ve moved on from hyung why do you wear his ring on your left hand while you wear Hyunjin-hyung’s ring on your right hand?” Jeongin drops his hands and stands up. “If you’ve moved on from hyung why do you still have pictures of him? Why do you call out for him in your sleep?” 

Minho feels sick, a hand coming to cover his mouth as tears he'd believed had dried up trickle down his cheeks. Every word Jeongin speaks is a knife digging into old wounds, opening sutures that had been hurriedly sewn in. “Jeongin…” 

Jeongin shakes his head, harsh-colored anger and heated disappointment in his eyes. “You still love him. You’ve been lying to yourself ever since you got together with Hyunjin. Call it a blessing or call it a curse, you’re never going to truly love anyone but Jisung-hyung, and that’s the truth.” 

Jeongin slams Minho's door shut on his way out, not pausing to watch Minho slip from his bed, hitting the cold floor with a thud. Minho curls into himself, tries to become miniscule, so that his sobs carry no further than the space between his lips and his knees. The hole in his chest he'd let himself pretend was never created has reappeared, and he's faced with the pain he's tried so hard to shut away but never work through. Ugly tears roll down his cheeks and catch on his lips and chin, his body shaking with each cry. He feels it again - the bruises of hopelessness. He hasn’t felt so vulnerable, so alone, not since _he_ left.

This time, it takes cancelled plans and two days of solitude to make the ruined hope recede back into the small cage he’s built in his heart. 

Jeongin is right about everything - and maybe that’s what hurts the most. 

_September 2016  
[Ten months later]_

“You look beautiful, hyung.” 

Minho smiles as Hyunjin takes his hand. He's used to the flattery by now, though hearing the words from Hyunjin is so different from _before_. “Thank you, Jin.” 

Hyunjin leans over to press a kiss to his cheek, taking the brief pause to link their fingers. “Now, my gorgeous boyfriend, where would you like to go today?” 

Minho looks up at Hyunjin, searching his eyes for the true honesty he wishes Hyunjin possesses. “Where you think I belong.” 

In turn Hyunjin leans to kiss Minho, and Minho can feel his smile. “Gangnam District, then. Only the best for you, my love.” 

Minho responds with a smile and a nod, masking the hesitation threatening to cloud his head. But any chance of a misstep is stolen when Hyunjin wraps an arm around Minho’s waist and guides him from the apartment building lobby and onto the sidewalk, opening the door of the awaiting car for Minho to slide into. After buckling their seat belts and instructions are given to the driver from Hyunjin, Minho tilts his head onto Hyunjin’s shoulder, leaning into the boy's warmth. His eyes threaten to fall shut but before they do Minho's gaze is drawn to his left hand which is resting on his knee. The copper band around his fourth finger stands out against his pale skin, and the small gemstone set into the ring is milky and unclear, no longer shining as it once had. 

“I love this ring on you.” Minho snaps his gaze to where Hyunjin is holding his right hand and playing with the glittering silver ring on his fourth finger, mirroring the other band. “It shows your class. Because that’s you, you’re special, you're above all else. You’re meant to be at the top, meant to be admired.” 

Minho can't find it within him to smile. “That’s sweet of you to say, Jinnie.” 

Hyunjin kisses his hair and slips an arm around his waist to keep him close. “Love you, Min.” 

Minho closes his eyes to block out the sight of Hyunjin and the rings, and lets the movement of the car lull him into a daze. 

Around mid-afternoon post a flurry of shopping they end up at a café just off their university campus. Minho is exhausted from the trip, and is caught up playing with the string of his teabag, watching the water color change. Hyunjin is telling him about something, something that Minho unintentionally tunes out, his eyes unfocusing as his gaze drifts past his boyfriend and to the large glass window, his attention now shifting to watch people walk by. It’s a blur outside, just faces he’ll never recall and splashes of color that brighten the dreary day. 

But then—

A familiar profile, features that Minho can recall with no difficulty—

“Min?” 

Gone. 

Minho blinks fast, looking back at Hyunjin, startled. He knows he's in a state of confusion, his heart beating faster than it should at memories that are beginning to bubble up. "Sorry, Jin, what were you saying?” He forces himself to focus, Hyunjin is here, Hyunjin is speaking to him, Hyunjin Hyunjin _Hyunjin._

“I was just mentioning my econ professor,” Hyunjin tells him, an easy smile coming to his face. He reaches across the table to take one of Minho’s hands in his, kissing the back of it. “Are you okay, hyung? You’re quite pale all of a sudden.” 

Minho nods, slightly out of breath as he reels his heartbeat back down. “I’m always pale, Jinnie.” Hyunjin rolls his eyes and Minho forces a giggle. “No, really, I’m fine. I just thought for a moment…” He bites down hard on his lip, shaking his head at the idea. “No, it was just my mind playing tricks on me.” 

“Okay,” Hyunjin says, though concerned, and he rubs his thumb over Minho’s knuckles to soothe him. “Tell me if anything’s wrong.” 

“I will,” Minho responds robotically, adding to the words with a squeeze of Hyunjin’s hand. “Don’t worry.” 

Hyunjin hums in acceptance, “I love you, hyung.” 

Minho glances up to him with a smile, repeating words he's told himself day in and day out for months. Hyunjin makes him happy. _Hyunjin._

~

“I’m surprised they’re actually home,” Jeongin whispers to Minho as they sit at the dining room table waiting for their parents. 

“I know,” Minho sighs out, “I wonder what wonderous adventures they had in Japan this time.” 

Jeongin snorts, his distaste for their parents ever strong. “Well Father probably had a fun time living it up with the other elites of the business world and Mother probably sprained her wrist while watching a maid carry her luggage, I’m sure the very idea of lifting something would overwhelm her body.”

Minho laughs at his brother's words, “That is terribly accurate.” 

Jeongin nods in stiff agreement. “Unfortunately, I’ve known them for most of my life.” 

“I’m glad we have each other, I don’t think I could survive Father without you," Minho chooses to say, glancing to Jeongin with a smile. 

“And I couldn’t have survived Mother without you.” 

“To brotherhood,” Minho cheers, raising his wine glass. Jeongin does the same, knocking the crystal pieces together. 

“Ah, boys, you’re here!” 

Minho turns to look at their parents who have entered the room, his father dressed in a fine suit and his mother in a billowing dress, too much for just a family dinner. But Minho supposes this could be considered a special event, as he and Jeongin are most often living by themselves, their parents off on business excursions in various countries. 

By the time the maids are serving the first coarse Minho feels completely suffocated, as if cotton is being forced down his unwilling throat. His parents drop little hints here and there about his and Jeongin’s appearances, even critiquing the way Minho holds his fork, saying something about him forgetting proper etiquette he'd been taught as a child. Minho wants to run and the night has hardly begun. 

“So, Jeongin, how is your schooling?”

Jeongin pokes at his salad with his fork, “Good, senior year is stressful but there isn’t much I can do about that, other than studying.” 

Their father nods, “That’s a good attitude to have, work hard and it will get you places. What about you, Minho?” 

“Classes are interesting,” Minho chooses to say, studying the bland carrots on his plate. “I try my best.” 

“And is your best to get below a ninety on your recent exam?” 

Minho looks up, only to flinch under his father’s cold stare. “My grades haven’t been released yet.” 

“I called ahead,” his father says, Minho’s eyes widening at the confession. “I expected better of you, Minho. Failing out in political sciences.” 

“Father, a B isn’t failing out,” Jeongin cuts in, trying to throw Minho a lifeline. 

“Innie, it’s okay,” Minho whispers, smiling at his brother. Turning to his father he dips his head and attempts a promise. “I’ll work harder, father.” 

“That would be a smart choice,” he says and Minho winces. “Anyhow, how is that boyfriend of yours?” 

“Hyunjin is fine,” Minho returns, glancing to Jeongin who’s gaze is on his plate. 

“You haven’t spoken to him about further commitments? To finally get that disgusting ring off your finger and replace it with a diamond?” 

Minho closes his eyes to steady himself, and as his thumb brushing the band of the copper ring his stomach rolls. “Hyunjin and I are too young for that, Father. I’m not yet twenty.” 

“It would be a good move, he comes from a well-bred family.” 

“Father, I’m not getting married, please stop,” Minho argues, pushing his plate back with more force than necessary, and it sends a splash of wine over the lip of his glass. “If you’ll excuse me I’m going to go study for my class.” He stands up and hurries from the table to his room just down the hall. 

When he enters the room Minho leans against the closed door, his heart pounding unsteadily. He feels overwhelmingly trapped and so lost. Glancing at his hands he rubs his thumbs over the dates tattooed to the sides of his fourth fingers. On his left hand there's the date of the day that brought him so much joy and on his right is the date of the day that he used to spend hours wishing had never occurred. “Why does it have to be this way,” he lets out in a whisper but then shakes his head at his slip, and crosses the room to his desk. It’ll never be any different that it is now - it never has. 

~

Minho walks the familiar steps to the memorial home he had once visited every day for months and months. Inside he turns to the right, walking down a corridor and goes into the third room on the left, looking around at the walls of niches. This room in particular looks abandoned; there are cracks in some of the glass fronts and dust is piling up on the floor and edges of the displays. Minho had wanted to choose a columbarium with regular upkeep but this was the only one that he and Eunbi, Jisung’s neighbor, could afford without Minho’s parents finding out from extra money withdrawal. 

Minho breathes in slowly, walking to the left wall and crouching down to look at the center niche on the bottom row. It’s exactly the same as it was the last time Minho had been here - there’s the camera Jisung had left at Minho’s place, a few little trinkets Eunbi had found in the ashes of Guryong Village, and a framed picture of the boy. It’s a photo Minho had taken of Jisung standing on the balcony of Minho’s apartment, his skin glowing gold from the colors of the setting sun. Jisung is smiling his dorky but beautiful half-smile while looking past the camera to the person behind it, his brown eyes warm and fond with unmatched adoration and love. 

“It’s been a while since I’ve visited, hasn’t it,” Minho chooses to say after sitting cross-legged in front of the niche. “A month, right? I want to believe you would hate me for trying to move on, in a way I want to hate myself for trying to do just that. But deep down I know you wouldn’t want me to stay in the past, no matter how much it hurts me to leave you behind. You always wanted the best for me, even if the best wasn't you.” 

“I still wear it, you know.” Minho holds up his hand to the glass, showing the picture of Jisung the copper ring on his finger. “I always do. And I never showed you it, but this is the ring Hyunjin gave me.” Minho holds up his other hand, tapping the silver ring that is curled around his finger, jewels patterned like leaves. “I didn’t know how to say no to him,” Minho says, thinking to Hyunjin's face, “he pushed me into a relationship so quickly. And I felt so guilty, Jisung, I really did. I do. But I needed the companionship, I missed you so much that I couldn't breathe and Hyunjin was a distraction. But I suppose he makes me happy, or at least that's what I've come to tell myself.” Minho sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “I think I love him, Jisung. We’ve been together for over a year now and he is so sweet to me. I just...I just don’t want to deny myself happiness because I still can’t fully let you go.” 

“It’s funny,” Minho continues, unable to keep down a smile, “you disliked me so much at first. But it was so, so easy to love you. I guess it’s like I’ve had to learn to love Jin. But with you it was like falling off a cliff into deep feelings, almost from the get-go. When I came home from Guryong...that day, when I arrived home I told Jeongin, ‘There are a lot of people to love but there will always be one who is different from the others.’ Even as silly and child-like as it sounds, you’re my soulmate. That’s why I won’t ever be able to really let you go, because you have half of my heart.” Minho smiles at the thought and reaches out so his knuckles brush the corner of the glass. “And...I’m okay with that. I suppose I love Hyunjin and feel good being with him, and he loves me. And that’s what matters now, right? I get to be happy, with him and your memory. It might look odd but I only feel complete when I have your ring on too.” He looks at the copper ring and then to the inked numbers of Jisung's date of birth just past the band, written into his skin.

“Sometimes for the briefest of seconds when I’m with Jin or in classes I forget about you,” Minho says, looking away from Jisung's picture in shame, “and then I think of you and I feel so guilty. But...It’s okay, right? You’ll always be in my heart, even if my thoughts stray every once in a while.” 

“Jin took me out the other day,” Minho continues, “we went shopping and then headed to the coffee shop near campus. I was zoning out, looking through the window and this guy was walking by on the sidewalk. I didn’t see his whole face but I could have sworn that it was you.” Minho laughs softly, squeezing his eyes shut as he recalls the profile of the man; the slope of his nose and the slant of his lips. “After everything happened I was seeing you everywhere - at school, at restaurants, on the street. But after a while that stopped and I almost hated myself for giving up on conjuring your image. I have all the photos I took of you and us but actually seeing your face gave me a form of placebo, even though it hurt. It felt like you hadn’t actually left when I could pretend you were with me. But it’s been so long since I last had one of those images. Maybe I’m not doing as good of a job of trying to move on as I thought.”

Minho’s phone buzzes and he glances at Jisung’s picture apologetically. He pulls the device out of his pocket, reading Hyunjin’s contact on the screen. “Sorry, it’s Hyunjin. I’ll call him back when I leave,” Minho tells Jisung while putting his phone away. “I’m supposed to stay over at his apartment tonight,” Minho adds, “I don’t really want to, not tonight. It feels like lately I've been there only for his pleasure.” Minho closes his eyes, wincing. “Sorry. This whole situation is difficult, since you and Jin hated each other so much. And I managed to fall in love with both of you, I suppose.” Minho groans and runs a hand across his face in embarrassment. “Now I feel terrible.” He draws his knees up against his chest, heaving a sigh when his eyes meet Jisung's image. “I wish you were here right now, Ji. I get so confused sometimes, and sad, and no one can give hugs like you. No one knows me like you do.” 

“Maybe this is odd but I miss your smell.” Minho huffs, resting his chin on his knees. “I just - you smelled like cinnamon and laundry detergent and the staleness of Guryong but it was comforting all the same. Sort of like home?” Minho laughs quietly, the noise still echoing in the otherwise empty room. " _You_ were home. I can't pretend otherwise." He looks to his fourth finger on his right hand, at the tattoo that marks the date his home became ash.

“Sometimes I wonder about what would have happened if the fire hadn’t grown so big. Would we have told everyone about us? If we had, what would have happened to us? I know one thing, if I had had to choose, I would have chosen you. So if my parents didn’t accept you would I have gone to live with you in the village? Would you have let me?” Minho shakes his head, “It’s not good to think of what might have been though, I suppose.”

Minho’s phone buzzes again and he frowns at it, wishing away his life outside the doors of the memorial home, “Ji, I’ve got to go. I’ll visit again soon, I promise. I thought that staying away from you might help me but I can’t, I feel better when I’m able to talk to you, tell you everything. So yeah, it’s just goodbye for now.” Minho smiles at the niche and then stands, grabbing his bag. He glances down at the note taped onto the glass in the corner beside Changbin’s and Chan’s, and lets out a small sigh. “See you, Jiji.”

_Jisung,  
There are so many things I want to write to you in this note but each time I find a pen my mind goes blank. But I think I finally know what to say.  
I imagined starting this off with ‘Why,’ but there isn’t much use in that, not when I can’t change the reason behind that why. Then I thought maybe I could let myself be angry; write that I hated this and that for what happened. I could let myself hate what drove you to put yourself at risk. But then I realized that what you did was an action that would bring joy, bring some form of light into the world, even amongst all the shadows.  
So, Han Jisung, I’m here to write you a love letter. I don’t want it to be a letter full of sadness so I’m starting it off with the I love you. I love you, and I’m glad I was able to tell you what you mean to me.  
Remember when I told you that for the first time? It was behind the old liquor store. I was terrified you were going to break my heart, but somehow the boy i fell for reciprocated my feelings. That day you promised me that your feelings would never be the reason for my heartbreak. And you were right.  
As for Jeongin, he misses you too, he really loves you as well. He’s being so strong for me and I wish he didn’t have to be, though, but I can’t push away the situation. Eunbi misses you as well, she’s moved into an apartment with a few other women. I don’t know if she likes it there yet but she always had a smile on her face when I visited. I’ve spoken to Chan a few times and he wishes you were here with us. I haven’t seen Changbin around but I hope I can find him and see how he’s doing.  
It feels so dark right now and I get lonely without you. I feel like I have one foot out the door but the rest of me is still caught in the glass barriers between our worlds. I don’t know where I belong; do I belong where I've always walked or do I belong where you loved me? I wish I could see your smile again, just once. Thank you for giving me your forever, no matter how quickly it passed.  
Your Minho_

~

The trip to Hyunjin’s apartment is slow. Minho doesn’t call up the family driver and instead chooses to walk from the memorial home, hoping to clear his head before meeting with Hyunjin. Jisung is clouding his mind, sight, and heart. 

“Why didn’t you call a driver?” Is what comes from Hyunjin's mouth when Minho finally arrives, shrugging off his coat which Hyunjin is quick to hang up on the rack in the entrance hall. "I was concerned when you said you were coming alone."

“I just felt like walking,” Minho says with a shrug, pressing an unfocused kiss to Hyunjin's cheek. “Sorry if I worried you.” 

“It’s okay.” Hyunjin wraps his arms around Minho, hugging him to his chest. There’s a moment of silence and then Hyunjin speaks, and his voice laden with truth. “I’m so lucky to have you.” 

“What brought this on?” Minho asks, smiling against Hyunjin's shoulder. 

“I just love you.” 

Minho pulls back, his head beginning to pound with the anxiety of what he's been preparing himself to say. “Jin?” 

Hyunjin hums, raising his eyebrows. “Yeah, baby?” 

“I love you,” Minho tells him in a whisper. Hyunjin’s eyes go wide with shock and surprise, leaving Minho burning red. “I just...wanted to tell you.” 

“Shit, I love you too.” Hyunjin pulls Minho closer and into a kiss, one that locks Minho in place, leaving him with no way to break free. 

“Love you,” Minho repeats, tranced by shock, as Hyunjin kisses down his neck, his hands slipping under the hem of Minho's shirt. Minho is flooded with emotions he hasn’t visited in a long time when he’s pressed harshly against the wall, his shoulder blades thrumming with slight pain as Hyunjin’s fingers tracing patterns on his skin. It sends a biting jolt of fear through him, causing his breath breath to pick up. “Jinnie,” he whispers, near panic, as he threads his fingers through Hyunjin’s hair to hide how his hands are shaking.

Hyunjin kisses over the bruises on Minho's collar, and Minho feels his smile against his skin as he speaks. “I’ll make you feel good, Min.”

Minho whimpers, forcing his eyes closed to mask the tears building therein. 

~

Minho wakes up slowly, and with every passing second he realizes exactly where he is but also where he wishes he was. Hyunjin is fast asleep next to him, one arm wrapped loosely around Minho’s waist, keeping him in place. 

Minho carefully moves Hyunjin’s arm, slipping out of bed and padding over to the closet. He enters the room, rummaging through Hyunjin’s clothes until he finds one of his own shirts. Minho pulls together an outfit and then goes back to the bedroom, pressing a kiss to Hyunjin’s forehead before exiting, heading to the living room. Finding his way to the kitchen he grabs a granola bar from the jar on the counter and leans against the refrigerator as he eats it. 

He thinks back to the previous night, with sudden tears in his eyes. For the entire time he’s been dating Hyunjin he hasn’t been close to slipping to the space he'd only shared with Jisung but last night he was close - Hyunjin being rough with him hadn’t sat well, and after telling Hyunjin he loves him…Minho almost feels regret. Everything had gone too fast for his liking and he had felt like he needed to be safe, he needs to be, like he used to be. But looking at Hyunjin then, no matter how Minho feels about him, Hyunjin can’t have the same trust that Minho had with Jisung. 

Minho hurriedly throws the bar away, appetite gone. He repeats in his head over and over that Jisung isn’t here, Jisung won’t be here, but with each time he repeats those words he knows he made a mistake last night. Was Jeongin right all those months ago? Is he meant to be alone if he can’t have Jisung? 

“Fuck, why are you thinking this,” he mutters, rubbing the backs of his hands over his cheeks to get rid of his tears. Taking a steadying breath Minho goes to the front door, pulling on his shoes and coat. There's so much confusion around him right now but he knows that he's not in a good space right now and he needs to go to where he's safe. 

The trip to the bus stop is easy, there are so few people out so early in the morning on a Sunday. The air is cold and crisp, fragile yellowed leaves spinning down from nearly bare tree branches. Minho pulls his coat tight around him, shivering each time a gust of chilly wind rushes by. The ride itself is dull, Minho’s only entertainment the thoughts in his head, the ones that keep haunting him. 

Minho thumbs at the copper ring almost unconsciously. He’d never been able to make a clean break - every time he's thought of doing just that he would remember something about Jisung, something that had made them want to spend their lifetimes together. 

The memorial home is cold - all the heaters out of commission. Minho rubs his hands together with a hope for the friction to give him some warmth. The sound of his shoes against the floor is loud in the empty building, the noise almost haunting. As he turns down the corridor and into the room where Jisung’s niche is he stops in his tracks, a sudden sense of fear hitting him. In all the time Minho has come here no one has ever come to this memorial home, let alone this room, but there’s a man here now who is sitting on the bench in the center of the space, staring directly at Jisung’s niche. Minho takes a breath, stepping into the room. “Excuse me, are you lost?”

As if time has slowed, the person turns around to face the entrance and looks up at Minho with large, familiar brown eyes. Minho’s heart stops, the cold turning his body to pure ice. “N-No—”

“Hi, Min.”

Minho’s eyes roll back and he falls to the floor in a dead faint. 

~

_January 2016  
[Eight months after the fire]_

“Jeongin?”

Jeongin pulls open his bedroom door, looking up at Minho with dead eyes. “What is it, hyung?” 

Minho bursts into tears. 

“Hyung?” Jeongin’s tugging Minho into his room now, newfound worry in his voice. “Are you okay? Did something happen?” 

“I’m sorry,” Minho wails, grabbing at Jeongin’s hands, “I was - am - so caught up in my own shit I never considered how you’ve been feeling.” Minho blinks furiously but his tears won’t disperse. “I went to Jisung’s niche and I saw there was a new note and when I saw your name everything clicked, I didn’t read it, I promise, but I just, Jisung was like a brother to you and I haven’t taken that into account enough and I’m so fucking sorry, Jeongin, hyung is so sorry, I never meant to abandon you when you were grieving.” Minho drops to his knees, still holding onto Jeongin’s hands like a lifeline. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry Innie.” 

“Hyung, no,” Jeongin falls to his height, “Jisung-hyung meant so so much to you, it’s my job as your brother to take care of you. And yeah, I love Jisung-hyung too, but it’s very different from how you and he were. I could manage, but you couldn’t. I miss him, hyung, I really do. I’m sorry for that day when I blew up on you, I know that I was wrong to have done that, and to have shut you out for so long. It’s just impossible for me to hide the fact that I don’t like that you’re with Hyunjin. I’m sorry, I’ve tried to change the way I think but hyung, it’s not the same.” 

Minho sniffles, shifting forward to rest his head on Jeongin’s shoulder. “I…Hyunjin is a body next to me in bed so I can sleep. Hyunjin makes me eat. Hyunjin holds my hand when I want someone’s touch. He makes me laugh when all I feel is dark. And…that’s all. That’s all Hyunjin is.”

Jeongin lets out a soft breath, his arms finding their way around Minho. “Hyung?” 

“I want to love him. To pay him back,” Minho whispers, finally admitting a piece of his truth. “You’ve always been right, Innie. I can only truly love Jisung. I can only love Han Jisung and I hate myself for it.” 

“Sometimes I wonder, what if Jisung were to appear and see me with Hyunjin. I don’t know what I would do. Beg for his forgiveness? Beg for him to never leave me again? Tell him that it’s all a ruse and that I’ll love only him forever? Admit the truth that I stopped living the minute he left my arms?” 

“If I saw Han Jisung again...I don’t think I could survive it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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	2. the sacred sin of desire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story was supposed to be three or so chapters long but I think it’ll be much more heh,, I hope you are liking it so far :)  
> Also, meet Jisung!
> 
>  **cw:** mentions of anxiety

_September 2014  
[Two years ago]_

“Are you ready, hyung?” 

Minho opens his eyes, staring up at the gates to their new school. “Yeah, I think I am,” he says, squeezing Jeongin’s hand. “You?” 

“Yeah,” Jeongin nods, smiling. “Let’s go.” 

Jeongin guides him across the street and onto the school grounds, hanging onto Minho’s arm, the familiar pressure of his hold forcing down the anxieties writhing in Minho’s stomach. 

Minho has always been the shyer one out of them - when they moved from Korean to Japan when he was just finishing the year before high school he had struggled to a point where it took all of his strength and copious amounts of Jeongin’s support to get him to his new school each day. With the language barrier Minho felt trapped, like he was an animal being observed in a cage. He wasn’t native to the country and he wasn’t outgoing enough to counteract his lack of ability to communicate well. 

But, nearly four years later, his family had returned to Korea, moving into a penthouse in the middle of the upscale district of Seoul. Minho feels like a stranger even though he’s returned to where he grew up, but is trying to take it in stride, starting with the first day of high school as a senior. It’s a few weeks into the new school year so he knows he’ll stick out like a sore thumb, but he hopes that he’ll manage to blend in at some point. He also knows if he needs to, he can fall back on Jeongin, which is made easier because his brother is a sophomore this year, classes in the same buildings as Minho. 

With Jeongin tugging him across the campus it takes no time at all for them to arrive at the admissions office. Minho is handed a few pamphlets that outline rules and expectations of the school, along with a list of books he’ll need to acquire. Along with those he receives a schedule and a map of the school, his classrooms circled in red ink. 

“Are you going to be okay, hyung?” Jeongin asks when they’re standing outside the office. 

“Yeah,” Minho says, reaching out to straighten Jeongin’s tie. “I wish we had the same lunch but I’ll be okay I think. I need to stop relying on you so much so that you can have your own life,” Minho continues teasingly, but inside his heart is withering. 

“Oh, hyung, you’re my best friend.” Jeongin’s voice is soft, eyes filled with sincerity. “I’ll always be here if you need me.” 

“You’re too good to me,” Minho sighs, taking Jeongin’s hand and squeezing it. The bell sounds behind them, making him jump. “You better go, I don’t want you to be late on your first day,” he says, smiling at his brother. “Love you.” 

“Love you too.” Jeongin squeezes his hand back before letting go, waving once as he walks away towards the closest double doors leading into the building. 

“You can do this,” Minho whispers, taking a deep breath. He pulls his map out of the side pocket of his book bag, looking for the first classroom he needs to find. 

Surprisingly he makes it to the room before the second bell rings, just in time to greet the teacher. “Lee Minho, transfer,” she says, looking over the papers he hands her from his previous school, marking his completed classes and corresponding grades. “You seem to be a good student, but it will be hard to switch from a different country’s curriculum. Do you think you can do it?” 

Minho nods, “I’m willing to work hard and I’m open to finding a tutor if I need further support.” 

She smiles, happy with his answer. “Well then, class is just about to start so let’s get you introduced and seated.” 

Minho nearly freezes up when he’s asked to greet the class and share a few words about himself but he forces himself to blurt out his transfer status. When he bows there are a couple of claps and a few whistles that make him blush, hurrying off to the seat that his teacher points out. His seat partner is a girl who could care less about his presence, deeply transfixed on the worksheets in front of her. Minho goes along with it, glad he won’t have to make small talk or introduce himself in more detail. 

By the time the first break of the day rolls around Minho is exhausted, not used to reading so much hangul all at once. He’s noticing he’s struggling some in mathematics and his English isn’t up to par with his classmates so he makes a mental note to find some way to enhance his studying or find a tutor. 

He files out behind the others into the hallway, raising his hands above his head to stretch. Feeling awkward around the groups of students who are talking to each other freely, he wanders away from the classroom, peering down the hallway towards where another class has just been let out. 

With a sigh he slumps against the wall, staring at his feet. He wonders how Jeongin is doing, though he knows the answer. His brother is smart and funny, he’ll be doing just fine. 

“Excuse me?” 

Minho straightens up as he meets the eyes of the boy who had just addressed him. He’s tall, a few inches taller than Minho, and is smiling broadly, in no way seeming hostile. “Yes?” 

“Hi, I’m Hwang Hyunjin,” the tall boy greets. “And this is Lee Felix and Kim Seungmin,” he adds, pointing to the boys next to him in turn. 

Minho blinks, not having noticed the other two. “Hi,” Minho greets back, dipping his head. “I’m Lee Minho.” 

“We’ve heard about you,” the boy, Seungmin, says. “Senior, transfer from Japan.” 

Minho nods, shy. “Yeah, that’s me. Um, are you seniors too?” 

Hyunjin shakes his head, “All three of us are juniors, but we share a wall with your classroom,” he says, gesturing to the two rooms behind them. “Anyways, you looked kind of lonely and we were wondering if we could be friends.” 

“Yah, Jin, don’t force friendships,” the third boy, Felix, says, grinning at Minho. “Give us a trial run, though, we are pretty good company. Lunch?”

“Oh, yeah, that would be nice,” Minho replies, smiling a bit. Anything so he won’t have to sit alone and gain the title of a loser. “Do you have the twelve-thirty or the one-fifteen?” 

“One-fifteen,” Seungmin says. “You?” 

Minho nods. 

“Awesome, we’ll meet you right here then, so you won’t get lost on your way to the cafeteria?”

Minho smiles up at Hyunjin, “Okay.” The bell rings and he looks over his shoulder, seeing his classmates file back inside their room. “It was nice meeting you.” The three wave goodbye to him as Minho hurries off, the whole way back to his seat a tiny smile tugging at his lips. 

Sure enough, when they’re dismissed for lunch, the three boys are waiting for Minho. “Hi,” Hyunjin greets eagerly, falling into step beside Minho as Felix and Seungmin walk ahead. “How are you liking your class so far?” 

“Well, the students are okay but my brain hurts, I haven’t seen so much hangul in a long time,” Minho says, laughing a bit. 

“How long did you live in Japan?” Hyunjin asks, holding open the door for Minho when they draw close to the cafeteria building. 

“Mm, nearly four years?” Minho can’t remember the exact date they moved. 

“Wow, that’s a long time,” Felix chimes in as they enter the cafeteria. 

“I guess so,” Minho says, following the boys to the lunch line and picking up a tray. The food seems okay for a meal supplied by the school, and Minho eagerly digs into his salad when the four of them find a table and sit down. 

“Do you have any siblings?” Seungmin asks, taking a bite of his sandwich. 

Minho nods, “A little brother, Jeongin. He’s really the best, friend and brother.” 

“That’s sweet,” Felix says, “my sister and I don’t have a close relationship.” 

Seungmin rolls his eyes, “It’s because you never call her anymore since she’s gone off to college.” Felix shrugs, he and Hyunjin laughing.

“Felix…that isn’t a Korean name,” Minho says, pushing his bangs from his eyes. 

“Yeah, I’m originally from Australia,” Felix explains. “My Korean name is kept hush-hush because it’s horrible.” 

“You’ve piqued my interest,” Minho teases, Hyunjin laughing along. “Come on, you’ve got to tell me now.” 

Felix rolls his eyes, whispering something under his breath. “Oh, come on,” Seungmin says, shoving Felix’s elbow. “It’s Yongbok.” 

“This betrayal,” Felix sighs, resting his chin on his palm. 

“Ah, I think it’s cute,” Minho says, reaching over the tabletop to tap Felix’s nose. “Yongbokie.” 

Felix pales significantly as the three boys laugh at him. “I retract my offer of friendship, you’re a terrible hyung.” 

Minho giggles, stabbing a carrot with the flimsy plastic fork issued by the cafeteria. “That’s too bad.” 

The conversation flows steady between the four and Minho finds himself laughing more than he has in a long time. In Japan he had been alone a lot, aside from Jeongin he had no friends. While his brother was his constant source of happiness Minho knows that the younger boy won’t want to be so close forever, especially now that they’re back in Korea where it’ll be frighteningly easy for Jeongin to make friends, given the lack of language barrier and his natural cheerful and outgoing nature. 

Towards the end of the lunch period the doors bang open, startling Minho and making him drop his fork into his salad. Felix, Hyunjin, and Seungmin fall into a quiet chatter, not seeming to mind the sudden noise, aside from the drop in their volume. Minho looks around - the room’s noise level has decreased - not all of the talking has stopped but it’s changed. Confused, Minho peers towards the door, head tilting in confusion when he sees three students walking towards the tables. 

The first one is blond with a face meant for smiling. He’s confident in the way he walks - hands in his blazer pockets and head held high. His uniform is tidy, black slacks and grey jacket, tie straight over a crisp white button up. He seems approachable, but something about him has Minho questioning his status in the school. 

The second boy is the shortest of the three - his face is nearly fully hidden by a hood, wearing a jacket underneath his blazer. His tie is nowhere to be seen and Minho frowns at the obvious violation of dress code. The boy has his arms crossed over his chest, defiance evident in his walk. 

The third boy is the tallest of the three but still appears a bit shorter than Minho. Like the previous boy, his clothes don’t follow the guidelines - black jeans instead of slacks and he’s forgone a blazer, tie pulled loose and the sleeves of his button up pushed to his elbows. His top isn’t tucked in and the first few buttons are undone, more skin showing than what Minho assumes the teachers would ever allow. Why they hadn’t dress coded him and his friend was a mystery.

Together the three boys radiate an energy that Minho can’t quite place - not class, and not welcoming. There’s strong assurance in the way they carry themselves, something that intrigues Minho. They command some type of attention, with the way the whole cafeteria had quieted down, and Minho can’t help but be baffled by the whole situation. 

They sit at the far side of the hall, the blond sitting down at the table and pulling a boxed lunch out of his bag while the boy in the hoodie pulls a bag of crisps out of his pocket, sitting parallel on the bench opposite the blond and resting his back against the wall, stretching his legs out over the long seat. The third boy sits on the table, feet on the bench next to the blond. Looking at the boys, Minho can’t figure out why the two haven’t been caught by a teacher. 

“Hey, who are they?” Minho asks Hyunjin, pointing at the group of three. 

“Oh,” Hyunjin suddenly sounds scornful. “The guy with the bookbag there,” he points to the blond, “that’s Bang Chan, the senior class president - your grade. The short one,” he points to the hoodie boy, “is Seo Changbin. He’s a big troublemaker, his family isn’t well off, either.” 

“Who’s the black-haired one?” Minho asks, watching the three converse. 

“That’s Han Jisung,” Felix chimes in. “Chan-hyung is really nice and gets along with everyone but Changbin and Jisung are known troublemakers, and I mean they’re bullies but also rumored to have stolen things.” Minho’s eyebrows raise. “Anyways, if you think Changbin’s poor, Jisung is dirt poor. Most people are sure that he lives in Guryong Village.” 

Hyunjin must see the confusion on Minho’s face because he cuts in. “Guryong is an illegal encampment, like an hour or something from here.”

“Oh.” Minho watches the them, eyes passing over each in turn. “Why hasn’t a teacher marked them off? Two of them have broken dress code and one’s sitting on the table.” 

“To be honest, we think the teachers are scared of them,” Seungmin says, taking another bite of his sandwich. “In a way they have a lot of control over the student body and although Changbin and Jisung aren’t good people, Chan will do anything to protect them. Given his status and his family’s wealth, it’s not a good idea to cross him.” 

Minho nods slowly, processing. “I guess I have a lot to learn about the workings of this school.” 

Felix and Seungmin laugh but when Minho turns to Hyunjin, the boy is glaring towards the table, specifically the boy who is laughing, sitting tall on the tabletop. “Are you okay, Hyunjin?” 

Hyunjin blinks, looking to Minho. “Yeah, I’m fine, hyung. It’s just that Han doesn’t get along with me, is an easy way to put it. He’s had it out for me for years now.” 

“I’m sorry,” Minho says, frowning. “Is there a way for you two to work it out?” 

“Have you looked at him?” Hyunjin asks, voice sharp. “Han Jisung is good at one thing, and that’s being destructive.” 

Hyunjin’s words echo in Minho’s head when he’s wandering the halls, trying to find his next class. There was so much hate in Hyunjin’s eyes when Minho asked about Jisung that it almost frightened him. 

Minho turns down another hallway, map in hand, but he knows he’s hopelessly lost. Groaning, he’s about to give up, when he hears voices down to his right. In hopes of finding someone who can help him Minho is about to turn when he hears a raspy voice. 

“Han Jisung, give me back my headphones or I swear I’ll smash your camera.” 

Minho presses up against the wall, finding himself listening in. Why he’s so interested with these boys is beyond him, but something draws him to them. 

“Yah, Changbinnie, let me listen to the song.” 

What Minho assumes to be Jisung’s voice is a low whine, deeper than what he had expected. 

“Channie, Jisungie is bullying me.” 

Minho’s brow furrows - there’s undeniable kinship between the three, the use of the nicknames proving just that. He hadn’t expected it by just looking at them, but again, he’s spent just a few hours in this place. 

“You two calm down, I’m trying to study, something you should consider as well.” Chan. 

“Aw, Channie-ah, c’mon.” There’s a hint of flirtation in Jisung’s voice that is startling, never mind the lack of proper honorific.

“Oh shove off, you horny asshole.” There’s the noise of someone hitting the floor, followed by laughter. 

“Stop flirting with everything you see,” Changbin’s voice this time, “it’s getting old.” 

“Whatever.” There’s a sigh from Jisung and then the sound of someone biting into an apple. “Can we ditch?” 

“No,” Chan says. “I don’t care if you can pass, you’re going to stay here.” 

“Wonderful.” 

Minho chooses this moment to step into the hallway, eyes immediately falling onto the three boys. Chan is sitting on the ground, back against the wall, workbooks and papers spread out in front of him. Changbin is to his side, head resting on his balled up blazer while he fiddles around with a cracked iPod nano, one earbud in. Jisung is on the opposite side of the hallway, on foot up on the windowsill and his forearm resting on the edge of the frame that has been pushed down to let in fresh air. In his free hand he’s holding a red apple, a few bites taken out of it. 

The second Minho’s shoes scuff against the ground all three of the boys whip their heads in his direction, fixing him with intense stares. Anxiety billows up in Minho, nearly making him need to bend over to breathe. He’s never felt so intimidated before and it’s just three boys looking at him. 

Chan is the first to move. “Hi,” he’s smiling, which calms Minho down quite a bit, but he can still feel Jisung and Changbin’s stares. “Can I help you with something?” 

“Uh,” Minho forces himself to move forward, holding out his map to Chan who stands up as he nears. “Today’s my first day and I’m lost - a few of the juniors offered to show me around but nothing has stuck.” 

“Oh, senior Lee Minho, transfer from Japan?” Chan asks as he takes the map from Minho. 

Minho nods.

“Well I’m the senior class president, if you need anything come to me.” Chan does seem nice, just like Felix had said. “How is the switch going for you so far?” 

“Yeah, uh, it’s been a few years since I’ve been in Korea so it’s going to be a bit of a strain to catch up.” 

Chan purses his lips, “If you need any tutoring I can most likely help out.”

“That would be amazing,” Minho says, “I’ll see by the end of today where I am.” 

Chan nods and then shows Minho the map. “You’re going to your homeroom which is up a floor. Take the stairs at the end of the hall,” he gestures to the right, “and turn left. Your class should be right around there.” 

“Thank you so much,” Minho says, grinning, “you’re a life-saver.” 

“No problem, take care of yourself, Minho.” 

Chan nods to him before sitting down again and Minho takes it as his cue to leave, looking towards the two boys in his year, giving them a small bow. When he turn in the direction of the stairs he sees that Jisung is still watching him, dark eyes large and observant. Minho dips his head as he passes, eyes catching on his features briefly, the frown his lips are set in that is counteracted by full cheeks, which make him seem a bit younger and softer, not yet harsh as an adult might be. His skin is tan - more pigmented than most of the students Minho has encountered here, and it suits him well. Minho ducks his face and hurries off down the hallway as he passes the junior, feeling his face heating up. His heart is beating fast and he’s completely surprised at himself for this sudden build up of attraction for a boy he’s looked in the eyes just once. 

Throwing a glance over his shoulder just as he reaches the stairs, he sees that Jisung has tilted his head back against the window frame, displaying his neck and more of his tan skin. Without his blazer Minho can see that he’s slim, his waist narrow. 

“What are you thinking,” he whispers to himself, turning back around and hurrying up the stairs, patting his burning cheeks. “Get a grip!” 

“How was your day, hyung?” Jeongin asks as they’re walking home, their apartment just a handful of blocks down from the school. 

“Good, I made some friends,” Minho says, “there’s three of them and they’re all juniors, but they have the same lunch as me. They’re all nice, too.” 

“That’s great, hyung!” Jeongin grins at him, happiness radiating off of him. “I was hoping people would pick up on how amazing you are and befriend you.” 

“Shut up,” Minho groans, blushing. “How was your day, Innie?” 

“Good, I ate lunch with some of my classmates and they’re all fun to hang around,” Jeongin says. “But no one’s really clicked with me, you know? I know I’ll become friends with a lot of them but I guess I’m just looking for a close friend still.” 

“You’ll find someone, you’ve always been good at that,” Minho says, smiling at him. 

Dinner is a silent affair, Jeongin and Minho sitting across from each other with their parents at the other ends. Minho feels tense, as he always does, but there’s no escaping these moments spent as four. By the time the second course is served Minho and Jeongin and exchanging glances, Minho sticking out his tongue at his brother, causing Jeongin to hide a laugh behind his napkin. 

“Lee Minho, I believed we raised you better,” their mother cuts in, Minho’s back immediately straightening. “A meal is not a time to joke around.” 

“You didn’t raise him,” he hears Jeongin mutter quietly and he shoots him a warning glare. 

“What did you say?” Their father looks up, eyes narrowing. 

Jeongin rolls his eyes, “It’s just that you didn’t raise hyung, Mother. We may be step brothers but that doesn’t mean you were around to affect hyung’s life.” 

“Jeongin, what are you doing?” Minho hisses. 

“I’m tired of both of you treating us like you’ve had impact on our lives, because honestly neither of you have been around to watch us grow up, you’re always on trips or at parties. Tonight I thought maybe you would ask us about our first day at school, since it’s been years since we’ve been in Korea and it might be challenging for us, but you never asked.” Jeongin balls his napkin up, setting it next to his plate. “What did I expect, though? It’s always been like this.” 

He pushes back his chair, standing up and walking off to his room, ignoring their father’s shouts. 

“Yah, Lee Minho!” Minho jolts at his father’s voice. “How could you allow your brother to turn into such a brat? Is it that new school? Are you not guiding him? I’m disappointed in both of you.” 

“I’m sorry, Father,” Minho whispers, staring at his lap. He should be used to the words by now but they still sting. 

“Go after him and tell him we expect an apology,” his mother says, setting down her fork. “Now.” 

Minho nods, standing up and hurrying away from the table. He slips into Jeongin’s room without knocking, locking the door and crossing to the bed where Jeongin is laying, staring up at the ceiling blankly. 

“You got me in trouble too,” Minho says as he falls onto the bed next to his brother. The words aren’t harsh, just sad. “Something about me not being a role model or whatever.” 

“Sorry,” Jeongin sighs, “they just make me so angry sometimes. I mean, they come here and expect us to practically kneel at their feet? They’ve never come to any events at our schools, they’ve never spent much time with us besides the occasional dinner when they aren’t wrapped up in their own business and have time to come home, not skip out to stay at some hotel.” Jeongin’s voice grows desolate. “My father was the only one who would ask me about my day. When he died…Mother disappeared practically, was always out. I was so lonely, hyung. When Mother announced she was marrying I thought maybe something would change. And it did, I got you. When I saw you for the first time at that party, where you kept tugging on the collar of your suit shirt because it was too starched, I knew that you and I were the same, suffocated and alone.”

“I…I couldn’t have made it to now without you,” Minho whispers, snuggling up to Jeongin and closing his eyes. “Love you, Innie.” 

Jeongin lets out a sigh, “I love you too, hyung. Thanks. For not leaving me all alone.” 

~

School becomes an easy habit to fall into and Minho begins to enjoy the weekdays, intent on catching up in his work but also having the fallback of friends, as he now categorizes the three juniors. Seungmin turns out to be the junior class president, smart with good leadership. Felix has a softer personality, a jokester of sorts. Hyunjin is sweet, sticking by Minho’s side to help him when he can. All three of them are rumored to be top students and they’re popular, whether from their achievements or their status as coming from the wealthy families in Seoul, Minho isn’t quite sure. 

He also begins to gain a form of popularity, people drawing to him because of his time spent abroad, finding it interesting. Hyunjin had said with distaste once as they were walking through the halls that some of the people approaching him found him pretty and wanted to see if they had a chance. Minho had blushed, denying it, and Hyunjin simply shrugged. 

Every once in a while when Minho was in the cafeteria or walking to a class he would spot one, two, or all of the trio that he had become so fascinated with. Chan was the one he spotted most - chatting with students or teachers, taping papers to bulletin boards. Changbin and Jisung he saw less frequently, usually only when they were together eating in the cafeteria. 

To his dismay, though he hadn’t seen him close up since that first day, he still finds Jisung attractive. He’s heard more rumors by now, not just from his friends, and they’ve all carried negative undertones, but Minho finds himself wondering about the legitimacy of those claims when he sees Jisung throw back his head in laughter after something Chan had said or do teasing aegyo in Changbin’s direction to annoy him. 

He can’t figure Jisung out - but that seems to make him all the more interesting. 

~

The junior class receive their scores on the first national exam of the year at the beginning of Minho’s second week. Seungmin had been excited to go see his score while Felix hadn’t been. Hyunjin seemed indifferent, but told Minho to wait by the boards at the end of school hours so he could check and then they could walk and pick up boba at a shop he knows nearby. 

When the final bell rings Minho goes to the first floor, finding the boards near the main door. As he watches he sees the occasional student come up and check their score and then hurry off, all of them beyond willing to leave school after the long day. 

Deciding to take a look, Minho trails his fingers over the names, passing Felix’s somewhere on the second column, then Seungmin’s towards the middle of the first. Hyunjin’s name is printed one from the top and Minho smiles, proud of his new friend. He doubts he would know who made first but when he looks at the name he almost stumbles back in surprise. 

_Han Jisung [Class 3-11]_

Minho had no idea Jisung was a top student - from what Hyunjin and the others had said they made it sound like Jisung was flunking out. 

Could this be why Hyunjin hates Jisung so much? Because they’re rivals? Minho crosses his arms, gnawing on his bottom lip. 

“Minho-hyung?”

Minho looks up at Hyunjin who is smiling broadly. “Hi, Hyunjin.”

“How did I do?” Hyunjin asks, walking towards the paper. Minho steps aside so he can look, watching as Hyunjin scams the names. 

Hyunjin groans, “Han beat me? I swear he must be cheating, how could he have scored perfectly on an exam like this?”

Minho blinks in surprise, “But you’re second, you got a higher score than anyone other than him. Aren’t you proud of that?”

“Yeah,” Hyunjin sighs, “but it would’ve been nice to see my name above Han’s for once.”

His name above Jisung’s - not his name in first place. How deep does this hatred go?

“Well, I’m proud of you,” Minho says, patting Hyunjin’s shoulder. 

“Thanks.” Hyunjin takes Minho’s hand, squeezing it. “Let me go grab my bag from my classroom and I’ll meet you by the front door?” Minho nods and as Hyunjin hurries off he stares at his hand, discomfort in the pit of his stomach. 

“So, Hwang has gotten himself a new toy.”

Minho jolts, eyes widening and heartbeat picking up when Jisung brushes by him, checking the list. “Excuse me?”

“Hwang Hyunjin is gone for you and you don’t even realize,” Jisung says with a hint of distain in his voice, not looking away from the paper. “You must be oblivious because he couldn’t be subtle if his life depended on it.”

“Hyunjin likes me?” Minho whispers, shocked. 

Jisung turns to face him, lips curved up into a smirk. “I was actually sent to find you. Chan’s busy right now but he said he can tutor you every Monday and Thursday after classes let out.”

“Oh, thank you,” Minho says, smiling a bit. He had asked his teacher if she could help him secure a tutor for mathematics and she said she would speak with Chan. 

“His number,” Jisung adds, holding out a slip of paper. Minho takes it from him, blushing when their fingers brush. Not good. “Just text him that the days work or whatever.”

“Thanks,” Minho says, trying to force down his blush. Jisung just shrugs, turning to walk away. He’s a few steps away when Minho shakes himself out of his stupor. “Wait!”

Jisung looks back at him, an eyebrow raised. “What?”

“Congratulations,” Minho says, tugging at his blazer sleeves nervously. “On your score.”

Jisung stares hard at him for a moment and then nods, the tiniest smile on his lips. This time, as he walks away, there’s a warmth in Minho’s chest that doesn’t go away. Really not good. 

“So, what do you think of our school?” Hyunjin asks when they’re walking the streets, boba tea in hand as they pass name brand stores and high-class boutiques. 

“I like it, the teachers are all nice,” Minho says, his straw pressed against his bottom lip. “Thank you for finding me that day, I don’t think I could have managed to make it far without you three.” 

Hyunjin shrugs, “I’m glad I found you. You’re really nice, hyung.” 

Minho laughs lightly, not meeting Hyunjin’s eyes, Jisung’s words from earlier ringing in his ears.

~

Minho and Chan have their first study session the next day. It goes well, Chan is smart and funny. He’s a good teacher too, and Minho feels good after having completed all his work correctly. Maybe Minho isn’t as oblivious as Jisung seems to think he is because he does start to notice Hyunjin becoming closer with him - always sitting next to him at lunch and holding doors open for him, often even going out of his way to walk him to class. 

Minho knows that he should give Hyunjin more of his attention, they are a good fit, but he can’t help but notice Han Jisung whenever he starts to think of pursuing Hyunjin’s affections. 

He’s noticed this: Jisung always eats lunch with Seo Changbin, and most of the time Chan will join them if he’s not caught up in class president work. Jisung always has his tie pulled loose and an attitude about him that makes him unapproachable, but with his friends he shows an easy-going nature that Minho is fascinated by. Minho notices that although many students dislike him, Jisung has a fair amount of fans, even receiving a few confessions which he always declines. 

Jisung makes himself unattainable, and Minho wishes he knew what it’s like to talk to him, to be the recipient of his heart-shaped smile. By the start of his third week Minho finds himself hopelessly pining over a boy he had spoken to once. 

~

“Hi, Chan,” Minho greets, sliding into the spot beside his tutor. 

“How are you doing?” Chan asks, grinning at him. “Have a good weekend?” 

Minho nods, “I stayed at home with my brother, we haven’t really had much time to hang out together since school started.”

“That sounds nice,” Chan says, setting out his books. “What year is he in?” 

“He’s a sophomore,” Minho explains, taking out his own supplies. 

“Ah. Maybe I’ll see him around campus sometime.” Minho nods, smiling at Chan. 

They’re in the middle of a complex algebraic problem when the door slams open and heavy footsteps enter the room. “Yah, Chan, you said you would give me a lift.” 

Minho’s head shoots up at the sound of Jisung’s voice, eyes widening as his gaze falls on the junior who’s standing with one hand on his hip, expression bored. 

“Sorry, I forgot,” Chan groans, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Can you walk or take the bus?” Jisung huffs as a response and Chan rolls his eyes. “Fine then, stick around, yeah? Minho and I should be done in twenty or so.” 

The time seems to pass slower now that Jisung is in the room, Minho hyper aware of every sound he makes as he lounges around in the back of the classroom. He’s distracted and Chan notices, having to direct him back to the work several times. It also doesn’t help that the problems Minho was given were very challenging. 

“I can’t figure this one out either,” Chan says, tapping his pencil against one of the problems. “Damn.” 

Jisung slides off the desk, stepping forward to peer over Chan’s shoulder. Humming quietly, he walks up to the board, writing out the steps to solve the given problem. “It’s simple if you don’t use the formulas the books give you,” Jisung says, shrugging. “Why use a complex formula when simple ones are easier to understand and get you the answer faster?” 

“Thanks, you nerd,” Chan laughs, turning back to the homework. Minho stares at Jisung, eyes wide. He knows Jisung is intelligent, given how high he scored on the national exam. But seeing him like this, not teasing his friends or walking the hall with silent confidence, is startling. 

“Aren’t you going to study?” Jisung asks, raising an eyebrow at Minho when he notices the older boy’s stare. “The sooner you finish the sooner Chan and I can leave.”

Minho rolls his eyes, “Why don’t you study some?”

“What makes you think I haven’t already?” he retorts. 

“Because classes only just got out and you’re there watching us,” Minho says, frowning. Jisung scoffs, walking towards the back of the room and leaving Minho with an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of his stomach. 

“Jisung has an eidetic memory,” Chan says as an explanation, tapping Minho’s textbook. “Come on, let’s finish up.”

Minho thinks about Chan’s words as he finishes the problems given to him, his interest further spiked. He chances a glance over his shoulder, seeing that Jisung is sitting cross-legged on top of a desk, mindlessly twirling one of the ends of his shoelaces as he stares out the windows into the hallway. Just as Minho goes to return to his work Jisung looks over at him, an eyebrow raising when their eyes meet. 

In his haste to turn around and escape Jisung’s gaze Minho knocks his pencil case off the desk, pens and pencils rolling over the floor. He hears a snort behind him and his cheeks heat up, embarrassment filling him as he drops to the floor, reaching for all of the spilled items. Chan offers to help but Minho waves him off, quickly picking up the last ones and returning to his seat while making sure to zip the pouch closed. 

The lesson returns to normal but Minho swears he can feel Jisung’s gaze on his back and it makes him feel vulnerable. When Chan finally reaches the end of the worksheet Minho hurries to pack up, waving a goodbye to Chan before running out of the room, rushing to the nearest restroom. 

Once inside he goes to the sink, setting his bag on the floor and turning the tap on and using his hands to scoop up water, splashing it on his face. Grabbing some paper towels he pats down his skin, tossing them away when all the water droplets are gone. “What the hell, Lee Minho,” he groans, eyes closing. 

The door slams open and then shut, Minho’s eyes opening. Jisung is standing in front of him, arms crossed, and Minho’s breath catches, cheeks flushing again. 

“Here,” Jisung says, holding out a pen. “You missed this one.” 

“Oh, thanks,” Minho whispers, taking it from him. “I’m sorry. For earlier, snapping at you just because I was stressed.”

Jisung hums, nodding once and then turning, disappearing from the room. 

“God, you idiot,” Minho whines, pressing a hand to his forehead. 

As he goes to put the pen away he notices a slip of paper wrapped around the barrel and pulls it loose, confusion running through him. 

_you got the answer to 4-B wrong  
pay attention to the lesson next time, pretty boy_

Minho’s blood freezes, his emotions a turbulent mess. Chan couldn’t have written this, if he noticed a problem was wrong he would have told Minho during the lesson. Which leaves only one option. 

Minho buries his head in his hands, letting out a long breath. “I’m so screwed.” 

He’s certain now: he has feelings for Han Jisung. 

~

At the next session Minho can’t focus, mind caught on a question that’s been eating him up. Finally, towards the end of the hour Minho can’t help but ask. 

“Hey, Chan, can I ask you something?” 

Chan looks up, “Sure.” 

“I was wondering about Jisung,” Minho says, fiddling with his pencil. “Why don’t most of the students get along with him? He isn’t a bad person.” 

“He isn’t,” Chan says, “but because he’s not like the students here he’s ostracized.” 

“That’s terrible,” Minho whispers.

“He…he decides to hate people before they can hate him, is how I would put it,” Chan continues. “But yeah, he’s a good person, it’s just that most people don’t stop to really see him.” 

Minho nods, thinking to the times he’s seen Jisung in the hallways, not stopping to say anything to anyone, a detached look on his face. “It must be lonely.” 

Chan hums quietly, “It’s his birthday this Thursday. I think…it might be nice if you said something. He mentioned that he liked sitting in on that one session, that he found you amusing.” 

“Yeah, I’ll definitely say something,” Minho says, nodding as a faint blush warms his cheeks. “Thank you for telling me, Chan.” 

Minho had been taught that when celebrating an occasion it’s protocol to bring a gift. So he finds himself in the shopping district after classes, wandering through the stores. He doesn’t know what to get Jisung, as he doesn’t know the other boy that well, so he hopes that something will appear and catch his eye. 

He’s near giving up, having searched for a few hours, when he spots an electronics store across the street. It hits him then, what Changbin had said his first day when Minho was listening in on their conversation. He’d mentioned a camera. Minho had seen Jisung a few times with a camera around his neck when the final bell had rung and all the students were heading home. He assumes it must be a hobby, and with that in mind he crosses the street, entering the store and heading for the camera section. From what he remembers the camera Jisung has appears ancient, Minho wouldn’t be surprised if the lens is cracked. So he settles on a new sleek model camera and eagerly pays for it, taking it home to wrap in preparation for Jisung’s birthday the next day.

After tutoring Minho walks to the gym, going around to the back of the building. Sure enough, just like Chan had said he would be, Jisung is sitting on the ground, head leaned back against the wall.

“Hey.” 

Jisung looks up, eyebrows raising when he sees Minho. “What are you doing here?” 

“Your disappointment is tangible,” Minho teases, feeling a flood of success when one corner of Jisung’s lips quirk up the tiniest bit. “I heard from Chan that it’s your birthday today.” 

Jisung hums quietly, “And you’re here why?” 

“To give you this,” Minho says, holding out the neatly wrapped present. “We don’t know each other that well but I do want to get to know you, I mean you seem nice and Chan likes you and I don’t really have that many friends. So, here.” 

Jisung glances wearily from the gift to Minho but takes it, ripping the paper off. 

“I saw you carry around a camera a lot, and I don’t really know what you like,” Minho rambles as Jisung stares at the device. “I know it’s not the same but I wanted to get you something anyhow and I guess I thought you would enjoy this.” 

He waits with bated breath for Jisung to respond but he doesn’t, not until he stands up.

“I’m not a charity case.” His eyes are like shards of ice. 

Minho is taken aback. “I - That’s not what I meant—” 

“I know you didn’t mean it.” Jisung’s voice is rigid and his lips are set into a frown. “I thought that maybe you were different, that maybe you wouldn’t be the same as all the other rich brats at this goddamn school. That’s why I gave you that note. But even if you claim to be clueless you’re still one of those useless expensive drones living in this city, you think like them. You’re exactly like them.”

“I—” Minho feels heat behind his eyes as Jisung advances towards him. 

Jisung stops just inches from him, leaning in to whisper in his ear. “Go on, go back home and cry to mommy and daddy, I’m sure they’ll buy you some nice hankies and help you blow your nose.” 

Tears are running down his cheeks, his bottom lip wobbling, by the time Jisung has pushed the camera in his hands and disappeared around the side of the building. 

It feels surreal, it feels like everything has been turned over. The walk home is slow, and without Jeongin to accompany him on the days that he stays late for tutoring, Minho is left alone with his thoughts. Jisung’s voice rings over and over in his head, his expression of disgust when he looked at Minho haunting his mind. 

Minho’s felt a lot of things throughout his life; grief, anger, fear, but never guilt, at least not on this level. He doesn’t understand, he never meant for Jisung to feel like he had. And Minho doesn’t know if he can fix this, he doesn’t know if it’s even a possibility. 

Jeongin notices that something is wrong immediately, and asks Minho about it in private, but Minho can’t give an answer. He knows Jeongin has probably heard rumors about Jisung and to explain it all…he doesn’t know how. 

Minho goes to sleep with tears on his cheeks, ashamed for whatever he had done that repulsed Jisung so. 

The next day at school feels like torture. Minho tries to focus in class but he can’t, his mind a mess. He tries to talk with his friends at lunch like he always does but he ends up tuning them out, nibbling on his sandwich while glancing towards the table where the trio sits every few minutes. To his surprise, only Changbin shows, sitting down with earbuds in, bobbing his head to some track. 

Minho falls behind his friends on the way out of the cafeteria, telling them he needs to use the restroom, but returning to the cafeteria when their backs are turned. He waits for all the other students to file out and then takes a breath, walking over to Changbin who’s still sitting at his table and tapping him on the shoulder. 

“Changbin-ssi?” 

Changbin looks up, a frown settling on his face when he meets Minho’s eyes. He pulls one earbud out, annoyance crossing his features. “What?” 

“I want to ask you a question,” Minho says, fidgeting with his bracelet. “About Jisung.”

Changbin looks him up and down, contemplative. Minho’s about to give up when Changbin gives him a slight nod. “After classes end, behind the gym.” 

Minho thanks him, smiling as he turns away. Maybe he’ll finally get answers.

Changbin’s already there when Minho arrives, leaning against the wall with a cigarette between his lips. “Hi,” Minho greets, wrapping his arms around himself. 

Changbin drops the cigarette, grinding it with his heel. “Well? What’s your question?”

“I gave Jisung a camera for his birthday, but he refused it rather harshly and I want to know why,” Minho says.

Changbin stares at him, disbelief written all over his face. “You don’t know why?”

“Does he hate me? He probably does now,” Minho mumbles. 

Changbin snorts, “You asked for one question.” Minho nods hurriedly and Changbin pushes a hand through his dark hair, pursing his lips. “You live up here,” Changbin waves a hand above his head, to the right. “All your friends, family, the restaurants you eat at and the stores where you shop. That’s your reality.” He moves his hand to the left, the same height. “This is where Ji’s reality is.” He looks hard into Minho’s eyes as he drops his hand to the level of his waist. “This is where the reality that your people force others into, those who have less handsome lives, is. This is where you placed Jisung when you gave him that camera.” Changbin sticks his hand into his blazer pocket. “Do you get it?” 

Minho stares blankly at the ground. Changbin’s words make sense with Jisung’s actions from the other day. He feels horrible. “He’s right, I’m just like all the other wealthy people here,” he murmurs. “I didn’t stop to think about any of this.” 

Changbin nods. “You’re like them, yeah.” Minho winces. “But I think that...I think that maybe you can learn to see the underside of the bills in your fancy little wallet. Because you came and asked what you fucked up on.” 

Minho turns the words over. “And Jisung? Do you think I can fix this?” 

Changbin shrugs, “Jisung didn’t say anything specific but he did say he was disappointed in you.” Minho bows his head, his heart dropping. “In order to be disappointed in someone you would have had to have expectations for them,” Changbin continues, and Minho’s head shoots up, eyes widening. “So I think that you could try. Whether or not he accepts whatever apology you come up with is something I can’t predict but I think you have a fair shot. He’s a pretty understanding person.” 

Minho nods, a smile threatening to take over his lips. “Thank you, Changbin-ssi.” 

Changbin shrugs, “He doesn’t give himself the chance to become invested in hardly anyone. So, try not to screw this up.” 

“Do you know where I can find him?” 

Changbin is silent for a few moments as he considers giving Minho an answer, but he does. “Jung district, he works at the twenty-four hour shop in between the old pharmacy and mechanics shop. Most days of the week, four to nine.” Minho nods excitedly, pulling his bag strap higher over his shoulder. “Do you think you can make it there without being beat up for money?” 

“Uh,” Minho looks down at his clothes. With the way he’s dressed, even in the regulated uniform, Changbin is right. “I don’t know.” 

Changbin sighs, taking off his blazer and pulling his hoodie over his head, handing it to Minho. “Mess up your hair too. I’m only doing this for Jisung’s sake, you really pissed him off and he’s been an ass to Chan and I.” 

Minho nods, taking his own blazer off and stuffing it in his bag along with his tie. Changbin’s hoodie smells like cigarette smoke but it makes him seem like he’s not from a background of wealth. Running his hands through his hair he pulls the hood up, turning to Changbin. “Do I look okay?” 

Changbin nods, sighing. “I never thought I would be giving a rich kid my clothes.” 

Minho laughs, Changbin isn’t like what he had expected. “Thank you, I owe you one.” 

Changbin nods, grabbing the cigarette pack out of his pants pocket. “Get going, Lee. And good luck.” 

Minho takes the bus to the Jung district. He’s never been to this part of Seoul and it makes him nervous, but he won’t give up, not until he fixes what he had done. When the bus finally arrives at the stop closest to Jisung’s shop Minho hurries off, stepping out into the cold autumn air. Looking around his nerves increase; there are people who are quite obviously not in their right state of mind and there are shards of beer bottles scattered near the bus stop sign. Minho makes sure his hood is tugged down as far as it can go over his eyes and hurries down the street. 

A couple blocks down he finally comes to the store, breathing a sigh of relief. A bell jingles as he pushes the door open, making him jump. Looking around, he doesn’t see Jisung, so he walks the aisles, keeping an eye out for him. 

He’s just about to give up when he sees Jisung push open the door to the back room, walking over to the counter and sitting down behind the register. He looks tired, chin resting on his palm as he stares off into space. Making his decision, Minho goes to the freezers and grabs two ice cream bars and then grabs a sticky note out of his bag, jotting down a few words. 

His heart is pounding as he walks up to the register, setting down the ice cream hesitantly. Jisung looks bored as he rings up the items, voice monotone as he recites the amount Minho owes. Minho slides a few bills to him, taking the change and stuffing it into his pocket, all without uttering a word. He grabs the bars, rejecting a bag, and goes to leave, but before he does he reaches across and sticks the note to the counter space in front of Jisung. He doesn’t look back as he hurries from the store, scared to see Jisung’s reaction. 

_I corrected 4-B and maybe I can correct my other mistakes  
I’ve paid attention to the lesson this time, Jisung-ie_

Minho only has to wait a few minutes, leaning up against the side of the store, before Jisung shows. 

“Minho?” 

Minho tosses one of the ice cream bars to Jisung, the movement knocking his hood back. “Hi.” 

Jisung’s expression shifts between worry and anger. “What are you doing here?” 

“I wanted to talk to you but I didn’t know where you would be so I asked Changbin. He told me and uh, gave me the hoodie so I wouldn’t be beat up on the streets.” Jisung shakes his head, about to speak, but Minho cuts him off. “Like the note said, I know I screwed up. I treated you as someone less than me, I let what I have been taught all my life take over, not considering that I’m beyond that circle of people, the people who regulate friendships with money. I never meant to seem as though I was looking down at you and I never meant to damage your pride. I…” Minho takes a breath. “I’m Lee Minho. A senior in school, a son of a rich businessman. I live in a penthouse and I have a maid and driver. I sit with the other rich kids at lunch and take most things for granted. And I would like to think that the side of myself that is compassionate and fair is more prominent, but I’ve realized that it’s not. I’m looked at for my wealth, my status. But I’m asking you to look at that other part of me. The part that admits to mistakes and tries hard to be different from the other elites of this city.” Minho holds Jisung’s gaze although the burn of the younger boy’s eyes makes it a struggle. “So? I’m not asking for forgiveness because I know what I did is something unforgivable. But I need to ask, will you go on hating me for everything I am or will you help me learn about everything I’m not?” 

“You’re right, I’m not going to forgive you,” Jisung says, Minho flinching at his tone. “I may not be like you and your family but I do have integrity. I have my pride.” He stares hard at Minho, crossing his arms. “You just admitted to everything you are. You understand our differences and you didn’t come here to pity me, you came to genuinely apologize for your incompetence.” Jisung shakes his head, eyes closing. “You keep surprising me.” 

“Am I…still worthy of that note?” Minho whispers teasingly. 

Jisung snorts, glancing over. “Why do you want to befriend me?”

Minho chews on his bottom lip, fiddling with the hem of his shirt. “I’ve never met someone who isn’t afraid of living,” Minho says, choosing his words carefully. “I’ve lived behind shields my whole life, and all of the people around me live that way too. But you aren’t afraid to live beyond the glass walls.” 

“So, you’re attracted to the idea of divergence?” Jisung asks, leaning against the brick wall of the store. He’s not looking at Minho, instead staring at the ground. 

“I suppose so,” Minho murmurs, rubbing his arm. “Is that naïve?” 

Jisung shrugs, “Yes.”

“Is naïve bad?”

Jisung stares at him, eyes flickering to every detail of Minho’s face. “Naivety can get you hurt.” 

Minho smiles at him, “Then you’ll have to keep me safe. Won’t you?” He winces as soon as the words leave his mouth, hitting himself internally for the flirtation. 

Snorting, Jisung rips open the ice cream wrapper. “Is it because you think you’ll need me to or because you like me enough to give me a nick-name?” 

Minho’s cheeks glow red, “Shut up. I was just countering what you wrote.” 

Jisung smirks, “You just compared me to divergence and then said you’re attracted to it.” 

Minho frantically shakes his head, “No, you said that. I wouldn’t ever say something like that!” 

Jisung’s laughter cuts through the air, “I know you like me, Minho. You’re always looking at me during lunch hour, I have no idea how your friends haven’t caught on.” 

“Stop,” Minho whines, hiding his face. 

“I bet you even look for me in the hallways,” Jisung adds, taking a bite out of his ice cream. 

Minho shakes his head again. “No, you’re such a jerk.” 

“To be fair, even though you were an asshole, I like you too.” 

Minho looks up, jaw dropping. “You…we’ve talked like three times!” 

Jisung shrugs, lips quirked up. “At first I thought you were just cute, but then Chan started tutoring you and mentioned things about you. He said you’re different from the others he’s tutored, that you don’t flaunt your wealth and aren’t conceited. I guess I was interested by that. You know, to be able to know you look at me during lunch I have to be looking too.” 

“I’m going to pass out,” Minho groans, “what the hell?” 

Jisung laughs, tossing his ice cream in the dumpster and then walking over to Minho. “I can tell this hoodie is Bin’s, I can smell the smoke.” He pulls his own hoodie over his head. “Wear this instead, that way you won’t go home smelling like an ash tray.” 

“Thanks,” Minho whispers, switching out the hoodies. Jisung’s is looser than Changbin’s and it smells like something Minho can only describe as Jisung. 

Jisung takes Changbin’s, reaching out with his free hand to tuck a bit of Minho’s hair behind his ear, the honey blond strands a wavy mess from when he had run his fingers through his hair. He feels like his skin is on fire when Jisung’s fingertips trail down his cheek, thumb brushing against the edge of his jaw. 

“If something does develop between us no one can know,” Jisung says, voice hushed. “It would destroy so many things, most of all your life. I’m willing to bet anything that your family would disapprove of me, because of my status.” Minho nods, not looking at him. “I’m not worth your reputation and your family relationships.” 

“How do you know that?” Minho whispers. 

“Because no matter who you are right now and who you want to become, you were made from that world. You could never be the same without it,” Jisung says, tilting Minho’s chin up. “This will be hard.” 

Minho nods, “I know.” 

Jisung smiles at him, taking a step back and Minho pouts as his touch disappears. “I’ve got to get back to work, I’m a few minutes over my break.” 

“Okay,” Minho says, “when can I see you again?” 

“I don’t have a phone so I’ll text you from Chan’s or Changbin’s if Chan will give me the number,” Jisung says. “Be safe getting home.” 

“Wait,” Minho says, just as Jisung is about to turn around. He hurries close to the junior, smiling shyly at him. “Thank you,” he whispers, “for giving me this chance. I was scared I was going to lose something I was hopelessly wishing for, if that even makes sense.” 

Jisung raises his hand, carefully pulling Minho’s hood up, hiding his hair. “Be safe on your way back. Even if there wasn’t the added threat of your money I still wouldn’t want you in this neighborhood.” 

Minho blushes, “You sound like you care.” He means to tease Jisung with the words but there’s underlying disbelief - he can’t imagine how this is suddenly real.

“Mhm,” Jisung pats his head twice. “If I’m going to risk it all on you I want to make sure you don’t end up in a bad situation on the first day.” 

Minho can’t help the dopey smile that works its way onto his face. “You too. Be careful.” 

“Don’t worry,” Jisung’s voice holds the joking tone this time, “I’m invincible.” 

“Good,” Minho leans in and presses his lips to Jisung’s cheek, retreating immediately and tugging his hood down further to hide his embarrassment. “I’ll see you Monday.” 

Jisung laughs quietly, “You’re so cute, Minho.” 

Leaving Minho spluttering Jisung turns and walks off. Regaining his speech just in time, Minho calls out again. “Jisung!”

Jisung looks back, raising his eyebrows. 

“Why don’t you call me hyung? I’m older than you!” Minho makes sure Jisung can hear his pout. 

Jisung grins, “Because I want us to be equals. There’s already too much distance between us, don’t you think?” 

Minho mulls Jisung’s words over as he walks back to the bus stop, a strange type of warmth saturating him. When he finds a seat he finally opens his ice cream, frowning when he realizes it’s turned into a gooey mess. With a sigh he nibbles on the chocolate, letting his mind wander back to the moments at the store. There’s so much obvious distance between him and Jisung - though Jisung hasn’t mentioned it directly, they both know Minho knows he’s very far from wealthy. If it were to get out that Minho is entering a relationship with Jisung it would crush his reputation, something he had always known would happen if he pursued his feelings, but hoped he wouldn’t have to think about. 

Their relationship would make Minho a target not only at school but in his home as well. The consequences would be extreme; Minho would have to go on to cope with bringing disgrace to his family’s name. Jisung would become a target as well, at school but also to Minho’s family, who would want to eliminate the cause of their problem. All of these thoughts terrify him, but as Minho climbs onto the bus and finds a seat towards the back, situating himself for the trip back to the heart of Seoul, he can’t help the elated feeling growing inside of him. 

He’d come here to fix something he thought he might not be able to repair, and though Minho’s ignorance created a wound in the bond between him and Jisung, another type of connection formed. Minho smiles to himself, playing with the straps of his bag. He has Han Jisung’s affections and as equally important, Minho has his trust. 

Nothing about this relationship will be simple, it’ll be far from easy. But Minho can’t discourage his ache to try. 

“Hyung, you seem glowy.” 

Minho frowns, glancing at Jeongin, “What?” 

Jeongin shrugs, “You just seem happy. Really happy.” 

Minho shrugs, turning back to his school work, as he and Jeongin decided to get the work they were left by their teachers done straight away, setting up camp in the living room, stretching out on the floor with their textbooks. “I am happy, because I’m with you.” 

“You’re such a sap,” Jeongin scoffs. “Anyways, when can I meet your friends?” 

“Hm, maybe we can set something up for Sunday?” Jeongin nods and Minho grabs his phone, going to his messages to ask his friends if a meet could work. To his surprise there’s something from an unknown number, and clicking on it his heart jumps. 

[Unknown] hey, this is Jisung  
[Unknown] I bribed chan with ramen to give me your number and then bribed changbin with a meal on me to let me use his phone  
[Unknown] i’ll be going home soon so i’ll check for messages tomorrow  
[Unknown] anyways, I never got to say thank you. for coming all the way to the store  
[Unknown] i’m really different from you, minho, and that won’t ever change  
[Unknown] but that doesn’t mean I can’t fall for you  
[Unknown] you looked really pretty earlier  
[Unknown] you’re always pretty but out of uniform and in my hoodie you looked really pretty

Minho’s blushing fiercely at the end of the messages and he thinks, not for the first time, how lucky he is to have Jisung’s attention. 

“Hyung? Why are you blushing?” 

Minho jumps at Jeongin’s voice, looking up to meet his curious gaze. “Nothing, it’s just the air vents are really warm.” 

Jeongin shrugs, buying the fib, and turns back to his work. 

[Lee Minho] Hi, Jisung  
[Lee Minho] you can’t just say stuff like that, my brother just asked why I’m blushing :/  
[Lee Minho] I mean I’m not blushing just don’t say those things, especially on a thread Changbin-ssi might read!!  
[Lee Minho] I’ve saved the number by the way  
[Lee Minho] anyhow, to an extent I’m scared of the possibility of us. But I think that what I want outweighs what is probably logical  
[Lee Minho] I really like you, Han Jisung, and I would really like to date you

Minho lets out a long breath, letting his eyes shut. After a moment he refocuses and changes chats, completing his original mission in asking about a meet up with the others. 

Jisung stays on his mind for the rest of the evening. 

~

“Seungmin, Felix, Hyunjin, this is my brother Jeongin.” 

The four exchange polite bows and Minho smiles, happy to finally have his friends and brother together. 

Jeongin is quick to get along with all three, conversing easily over coffees in a little café Felix had suggested. Minho almost feels out of place with how fast the conversation moves but Jeongin and Hyunjin continually look at him, making sure he stays included. It’s nice, Minho finds, to have people who care. 

“I really like your brother,” Hyunjin says as they’re all headed out of the café, the pair a few steps behind the others. “He’s very friendly and funny.” 

Minho nods, “He is, he’s the extrovert out of the two of us. He’s always taken care of me because I’ve been antisocial most of my life.” 

“You two look very different from each other,” Hyunjin notes, “does one of you take after your mother and the other your father?” 

Minho giggles, “Jeongin is my step-brother. My mother and his father both died when we were younger and we were fortunate enough to end up with each other, I can’t imagine not having him in my life.” 

Hyunjin nods, sticking his hands in his coat pockets. “It’s interesting both of your family names are Lee.” 

Minho looks away, chest tightening up. “Yeah. It is.” 

Suffocation. 

“Hyung!” Jeongin’s voice cuts through to Minho. “We’re at the park, you’ve got to see the fountain!” 

And just like that, Jeongin swoops in and snatches him out of his fears. 

School on Monday is torture. Minho never considered himself to be particularly impatient but waiting for the final bell to ring tests every bit of his restraint. He hadn’t seen Jisung at lunch, and his stomach churned at the thought that maybe Jisung was regretting this; even though they couldn’t sit together at lunch seeing each other would be enough, at least for Minho. And in addition, Minho’s messages to Changbin’s phone remain unread. 

Minho nearly screams in relief when the final bell rings and he gathers up his books, hurrying out the door and towards the staircase. 

“Minho-hyung!”

Letting out a sigh Minho turns, forcing a smile onto his face upon seeing Hyunjin jogging towards him. “Hey, Jin.” 

“Hi,” Hyunjin greets with a smile, “can I walk you to your tutoring session?” 

Minho nods and they fall into step, descending the stairs and heading towards the room Chan tutors in. Hyunjin chats about his day, asking Minho questions which he responds to with the best of his ability, his mind focused on something completely different than his course work. 

When they finally arrive Minho goes to thank Hyunjin but before he can open his mouth Hyunjin is looking over his shoulder into the room, a deep frown settling over his features. “What are you doing here?” 

Minho turns, breath catching when he follows Hyunjin’s gaze to Jisung, who’s perched on a table, half-heartedly scribbling down answers in a workbook. He looks up at Hyunjin’s call, eyes flickering from him to Minho and back again. “Waiting for Chan.” 

“Chan-hyung and Minho-hyung have tutoring scheduled for today, maybe you should go somewhere else to do whatever you do to pass time.” 

Minho frowns at Hyunjin’s tone, not understanding his hostility. “Hyunjin, it’s fine. Don’t make a big deal out of it, please.” 

Hyunjin scoffs, “I’ll wait here with you until Chan-hyung arrives.” 

Jisung makes a disbelieving noise, rolling his eyes at Hyunjin as they step further into the room. “What do you think is going to happen? I’m going to take advantage of your hyung?” 

“I don’t trust you,” Hyunjin says, glaring hard at him. Minho glances over to Jisung, eyes wide, but the junior just sighs, turning back to his work. 

Five uncomfortably silent minutes later Chan enters the room, eyebrows raising as he looks between the three boys. “We have quite a turnout.” 

Hyunjin purses his lips, turning to fully face Minho. “Text me when you get home?” 

Minho nods, giving him a tiny smile. “Bye.” 

When Hyunjin is out the door, footsteps receding down the hall, Minho lets out a sigh of relief. “This is a dangerous thing you two are doing,” Chan says as Minho sits down. Minho blinks, confused, and Chan explains. “Jisung told Changbin and I, don’t worry, we’re not going to expose you two. But you do know if this does get out, that you two are in a relationship, it’ll be very bad.” 

“We know,” Minho says, glancing at Jisung who’s come to sit on the desk to his right. “But we want to try.” 

Chan lets out a slow breath, “Okay. Minho, you’re in a good position with your work, honestly I don’t think you need a tutor. So take our times on Mondays and Thursdays to do whatever you want. If you need any help, Jisung can probably help you better than I can anyways.” Chan looks between them, smiling a bit. “Be safe. And I’m only covering for you guys because I like you,” he gestures to Minho, “and even though you’re a pain in my ass I kind of like you too,” he adds, looking at Jisung.

“Thank you,” Minho and Jisung say almost in sync. 

Chan shrugs. “Be careful leaving school grounds, some students stick around after hours.”

“Hey,” Jisung hardly waits two seconds after Chan leaves the room to jump onto Minho’s desk. “About the texting you thing, Changbin’s father was home this weekend and so Changbin couldn’t meet up. So I haven’t gotten to see what you said. If you replied at all.” He looks slightly nervous and Minho finds it cute. 

“I just said that I want to date you,” Minho whispers, shy. “I didn’t see you at lunch,” he quickly adds, trying to change the subject.

“I spent lunch with Changbin, he didn’t feel like going to the cafeteria.” Jisung leans down so their faces are close. “I knew it would also be hard not to stare at you, now more than ever because I know you’re going to be mine.” 

Minho blushes fiercely, “Shut up!” 

Jisung laughs, dropping off the desk and holding out a hand for Minho, helping him up. “I have a proposition.” 

“Hm?” 

Jisung grabs his bag off the back desk, hurrying back to Minho who’s waiting at the door. “Go out on a date with me today and at the end let’s decide if this whole idea is a flop or if it is a go-ahead.” 

Minho smiles up at him, heart thumping. “That sounds fair.” 

Jisung grins, “Then meet me outside the south gates in five.” 

Minho doesn’t know if he’ll get used to the idea that he’ll have to sneak around to be with Jisung, but when he arrives at the gates at the far end of the school a few minutes later, met with Jisung’s bright smile, he thinks that maybe he can learn to deal with it. 

“Do you have ideas of where to go?” Minho asks. “I only know shops and parks around this area and this is where the majority of our classmates live.” 

Jisung nods, “I’m going to take you out of the polished part of Seoul.” 

“Okay,” Minho says, excitement flaring through him. “Let’s go.” 

They take the next bus headed to the Gangbuk district, passing several stops before Jisung finally pulls the wire, ushering Minho up out of his seat and towards the exit doors. Stepping out onto the street Minho’s nose scrunches up at the smell in the air. 

“Where are we?” Minho asks, looking around at the buildings. It’s definitely nothing like the places he knows in Seoul. 

“Gangbuk,” Jisung says, reaching out and taking Minho’s hand. Minho blushes but doesn’t pull away, instead inching closer as they walk down the sidewalk. Soon enough, Jisung is ushering him into a tiny restaurant, guiding Minho past the tables to the far corner of the dimly lit room, gesturing for him to sit. 

“Where are we?” Minho repeats, setting his bag down as he sinks to the floor. The whole place smells incredible, the smell of cooking meat hanging heavy in the air. 

“We’re at the restaurant that is home to the best grilled pork belly in all of Seoul,” Jisung says, sitting down as well at the small table. 

“Really?” Minho’s eyes widen, excited at the prospect of food. 

Jisung nods, all seriousness. “I never joke about food.” Minho giggles, completely at ease. 

“Oh, Jisungie-ah, who’s your friend?” The two boys turn to look up at an older woman who is smiling kindly at them, a red apron covering her clothes. 

“Someone special,” Jisung replies, glancing over at Minho with a grin. 

“Hm,” the woman nods, amusement in her eyes. “I’m used to seeing you with those two boys, the one with the fried hair and the other with the bad attitude.” Minho hides a laugh behind his hand, Jisung biting on his bottom lip to keep down a smile. “It’s refreshing to see someone new, especially someone as pretty as your friend here.” 

Minho blushes hard, bowing his head. “He is pretty, isn’t he,” he hears Jisung say and forces himself not to hide behind his hands. 

The woman chuckles softly, “We’ve embarrassed the boy too much. Anyhow, would you like your regular?” 

“Yes,” Jisung replies, “thank you.” 

When the woman has turned on the grill and hurried off into the back Jisung takes Minho’s hand, squeezing lightly. “You okay?” 

Minho nods, knowing his face is glowing red still. “Yes, just shy.” 

“You’re cute,” Jisung says, grinning at Minho. Minho groans, looking anywhere but at Jisung. He observes the restaurant, noting that only two other people are eating, a pair that look like business partners. Soon the woman returns with meat, setting it on the grill and then handing them bowls of rice. 

“Looks good,” Minho says, salivating over the meat as it cooks. 

Jisung laughs, moving a couple pieces into Minho’s bowl. “Go ahead, tell me what you think.” 

As soon as Minho takes a bite he hums happily, eyes curving up. “It is the best!” 

Jisung ruffles his hair, “I’m glad you like it.” 

The meal passes too quickly but when Minho looks at his phone the time is nearing four. “I’ve got to go,” he whispers, pouting. “And you have work, right?” 

Jisung nods, helping Minho up and paying before he can, leaving Minho trailing after him, whining. They thank the woman who eagerly tells them to come back, pinching Jisung’s cheek fondly and making him squirm, much to Minho’s amusement. 

“Are you sure?” Minho asks as they get onto the bus headed back for Seoul, “what about your work? It isn’t near my home.” 

“Riding the bus back to your stop is the closest I can get to walking you home,” Jisung explains, ushering Minho into a window seat and sliding in next to him. “Plus this way I get some extra time with you.” 

“You’re sweet,” Minho says, shyly taking Jisung’s hand. 

Time moves too quickly again, because too soon Minho can spot the buildings of Seoul growing closer and closer. 

“Thank you for today,” Minho says, squeezing Jisung’s hand when he knows his stop is approaching. “I enjoyed it so much.”

“Me too.” Jisung tucks a strand of hair behind Minho’s ear, smiling at him. “So? Is the idea of us a yes or no?”

“You know the answer,” Minho teases, looking down at their hands. 

“I do, I just want to hear you say it too.” 

Minho rolls his eyes playfully, “I want to date you.”

Jisung smirks, “In that case, will you be my boyfriend?” 

“I will,” Minho whispers, face flushed. “I’ll be your boyfriend.” 

“Good, I’m glad I got an answer because this is your stop,” Jisung says, laughing when Minho’s face falls. “I’ll look for you tomorrow in the cafeteria.”

“Okay,” Minho pouts, untangling his fingers from Jisung’s. “Thank you for the date.” 

Jisung nods, quickly kissing Minho’s cheek. “Get home safe.” 

“You,” Minho hides his face behind his hands. “Don’t do that in public!” Jisung just sits back and looks smug, glancing up to the speaker when Minho’s stop is announced. “Bye,” Minho mumbles, stumbling away from his seat and out the door, blushing furiously when he hears Jisung’s laughter following him. 

~

“Jeongin?” 

“Yeah, hyung?” 

Minho sets down his pencil, pausing in the middle of an equation. “Is love logical?” 

Jeongin looks up from his own school work, eyebrows furrowed. “What do you mean?” 

“I guess I’m asking if it’s ever wrong to love,” Minho clarifies, resting his chin on his palm, elbow on the tabletop. 

Jeongin hums thoughtfully. “I don’t think that it’s ever wrong to love. But on the other hand, logic, like you mentioned, is important. I think that logical love gives stability to a relationship, whereas a relationship built on hope isn’t doomed, just the probability of success is lowered. Wow, I sound like Father.” They both chuckle. “Anyhow, that’s my opinion. I’m not saying one is better than the other in terms of love, I guess I’m just pointing out the ground that love needs to be able to stand on.” Jeongin taps his pen against his workbook. “Why did you ask?” 

Minho shrugs, “I was just thinking.” 

_Just thinking._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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	3. letting go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Enjoy this absolute mess of 10k, this chapter has everything you can imagine in it haha  
> also, this chapter is set to take place about a month after the last one, I’m sorry if my writing is confusing!!
> 
>  **cw:** mentioned domestic abuse, mentioned parental deaths, anxiety

_October 2014_

“Favorite color.” 

Minho tilts his head, considering. “I guess teal? I don’t know, I just find it pretty. What about you?” 

“Red,” Jisung replies, “I like it because it’s strong and vibrant.” He holds a pocky stick up to Minho’s mouth, pressing it against his bottom lip until Minho gets bored of the teasing and grabs it from Jisung’s hands. The two of them are behind the register at the convenience store, sitting on the floor, out of sight.

“What’s your dream job?” Minho asks, nibbling on the chocolate coating. 

Jisung tips his head back against the wall. “It’s kind of stupid.” 

“Try me,” Minho says, resting his elbows on his knees and leaning forward. 

Jisung rolls his eyes, fondness in his gaze. “A professor. I want to teach mathematics. But it’s unrealistic, I’ll probably end up going into manual labor job.” 

“I want to see you achieve that dream,” Minho whispers, one of his hands finding Jisung’s, their fingers linking. 

Jisung laughs, “Anyways, what about you?” 

Minho tries to push aside Jisung’s deflection. “My father’s grooming me to go into business like him but I can’t stand that profession. I - I want to start NGOs. I want to be the start to a project that can change peoples’ lives, give them opportunities to connect to the consumer industry that will prove effective.” Minho glances up at Jisung, cutting off his rambling. “Yeah. Anyways.” 

“I think that’s honorable,” Jisung says, Minho’s face lighting up. “I hope you can do that.” 

Minho grins, eating the last of his pocky stick and then scooting closer to Jisung, resting his head on Jisung’s shoulder. “I’m sleepy.” 

“You should be, it’s getting late,” Jisung says, wrapping an arm around Minho to pull him flush against him, angling the older boy’s body towards his own. “It’s nearly ten.” 

“I feel like I’ve hardly seen you,” Minho sighs, lips forming a pout and eyes fluttering shut. “I can’t believe we’ve been together for over a month.” 

“I know.” Jisung brings his other hand up, running his fingers through Minho’s hair, shielding Minho’s face with his forearm. “I’m lucky to have you.” 

Minho smiles, cheek rubbing against Jisung’s sweater. “I want to stay like this forever.” 

“You’re cute,” Jisung says with a sigh. “I can’t believe you can stay overnight with me this weekend.” 

“No funny business,” Minho teases, poking Jisung’s stomach and making him laugh. “Yeah, we’re lucky.” His parents are in Japan for the weekend and Jeongin has plans to spend the night at a friend’s house Saturday night. 

“I’m excited to show you where we’ll be staying,” Jisung says, carding his fingers through Minho’s hair. 

“Your place?” In the month they’ve been together Minho still hasn’t seen Jisung’s home. He knows for sure now that he lives in Guryong Village, but he doesn’t want to force Jisung to do anything he’s not comfortable with, including showing Minho his home. 

“No, it’s a place that only Chan, Bin, and I know of. And you’ll know too.” 

“A secret hideout?” Minho wraps his arms around Jisung’s waist, sighing contentedly. “You keep surprising me with all your hidden locations.” It’s true, over the past weeks Jisung has taken Minho to stores and restaurants that amaze him, all in various nooks and crannies of districts in Seoul that Minho’s family and friends wouldn’t dream of stepping foot in. 

Jisung hums, pressing a kiss to the crown of Minho’s head. “You’ll like this.” 

“I wish I could spend the night with you now,” Minho whines quietly. “But Innie’s expecting me home and we have school tomorrow.” 

“Jeongin sounds like a really nice person,” Jisung says, catching Minho off guard. 

“Yeah, he’s the best. He’s always taken care of me when things were rough, helped me deal with anxiety about being around people. He’s my best friend, really.” Minho sighs, feeling Jisung’s warmth against him. 

“Do you want to tell him?” 

Minho pulls back, eyes wide. “About us?” 

Jisung nods, catching Minho’s hands and rubbing circles onto the backs of them with his thumbs. “From the way you’ve always talked about him it seems like he wouldn’t spill a secret. I think it’s only fair, too. Chan and Bin know.” 

Minho takes a shaky breath. “He wouldn’t tell, he doesn’t get along at all with our parents anyways. But, are you sure? The more people that know the more opportunities there are for a slip up.” 

Jisung raises a hand, sweeping Minho’s bangs out of his eyes. “If you trust him I trust him.” 

“Then I’ll tell him,” Minho breathes, heart doing flips. “I really want you to meet him, you’re both big parts of my world.”

“I will.” Jisung kisses from Minho’s temple down to his cheek, making him giggle.

“Ji?” 

Jisung tilts his head, “What is it?” 

“Let’s not lie,” Minho whispers on a whim, “and let’s not hide anything from each other. I don’t want to create or hide secrets when I’m with you, we’re already living in a pretty big one.”

Jisung nods. “Okay.”

Minho smiles, eyes curving up into crescents. “Okay. Now give me the pocky sticks.” 

Jisung rolls his eyes but holds the box out, “As you wish, pretty boy.” 

“Thank you,” Minho singsongs, “you’re the best.” 

“I know,” Jisung teases. “Wait, that reminds me.” He reaches for his school bag, digging through it and pulling out a small photo. He hands it to Minho, watching his reaction. 

The photo is of the two of them, Jisung hugging Minho from behind, both of them smiling brightly. Minho remembers when it was taken - at the pork belly restaurant they had gotten one of the other customers to take a picture. “It turned out so good,” Minho says, grinning up at Jisung. 

“It’s for your phone case,” Jisung says, scratching the back of his neck. “I was printing off some pictures at the store and set aside this for you, now you’ll always have me with you.”

Minho giggles, “You’re a sap.” He pulls out his phone, popping the case off and carefully sliding the photo in, and then fitting it back on. “Thank you, Jisung.”

“Thank you for being with me,” Jisung replies, hugging Minho and kissing the side of his head. “You have no idea how thankful I am that you looked my way.” 

Minho’s eyes flutter shut, and he doesn’t try to hide the smile that tugs at his lips.

~

Seeing Jisung at school is hard. Minho wants to constantly look for him when he’s not in sight but forces himself not to, and to pay attention to his friends. When they’re in the lunch room and Jisung does catch Minho’s gaze, it takes all of Minho’s willpower to look away. 

Seungmin had nearly caught him once; Jisung had winked at Minho, resulting in Minho’s face turning bright red. Seungmin had asked him what was wrong, even looking over his shoulder in the direction of where Minho had been looking. Luckily Jisung had turned away, falling into conversation with Changbin instead. 

Seeing Jisung in school is hard enough, but hearing Hyunjin talk about him is harder still. The two boys share a few classes and Hyunjin always has something to say about Jisung’s attitude or his attention to the lessons. Minho wants to jump in and defend Jisung but never can, instead focusing on keeping the anger out of his expression.

In conclusion, Minho can hardly stand school. 

~

“Hyung, what are your plans for today?” 

Minho looks up at Jeongin, swirling his cereal around with his spoon. They’re seated at the dining room table, having breakfast. “I might head out and walk around a bit and then I think I’ll probably just hang out here. I’m not sure though.” Lies - it’s finally Saturday, and Minho gets a day and night with Jisung.

“Okay,” Jeongin says, taking a bite of his toast. “I’m sorry I made plans, I feel kind of bad.” 

Minho shrugs, “It’s fine, I like alone time. I’ll watch movies or something.” 

“Sure,” Jeongin says, lips quirking up. “But really, next time Mother and Father leave town we’ll have to have a day for just the two of us.”

“Deal.” 

They finish eating quickly, leaving the dishes for the maid to clean and going to their rooms. Minho grabs his bag he had packed the previous night, checking to make sure that his change of clothes and other essentials are there. 

As he’s about to go say goodbye to Jeongin he feels his phone vibrate and takes it out of his pocket, frowning at the message. 

[Chan] Hey, something came up and Jisung’s wondering if you can meet him at the bus stop just past the school instead of Gangbuk

Minho types back a response.

[Minho] sure, but why?

[Chan] He’ll explain  
[Chan] Thanks for being flexible 

Minho shrugs to himself, grabbing his bag. “I’m heading out first,” he calls out, “bye Innie!” 

Jeongin shouts back a bye, making Minho laugh quietly. 

The bus ride is boring, a typical Saturday morning crowd. Minho sits between two older women who compliment him on his looks, much to his embarrassment. He feels out of place, as he had always been driven around by the family’s service before. But in a way he’s gotten used to public transport, he’s even separated out a section in his closet with clothes that don’t scream name brand. It’s just a collection of a few pairs of jeans and two plain t-shirts along with some sweaters, but Minho can’t help but smile when he sees it every morning. He hasn’t returned Jisung’s hoodie from that day, and Jisung hasn’t asked for it back so Minho has worn it when he’s cold at night, not daring to wear it in any place other than his bedroom in case his parents see the frayed cuffs and the stain on the sleeve. Minho loves it.

When the bus arrives Minho hurries off, pulling the sleeves of his sweater down to hide his hands. He doesn’t spot Jisung until the junior is taking his hand. “Hi,” Minho grins, excited. 

“Hey, we need to hurry to make the bus, I’ll explain on the way,” Jisung says, tugging on Minho’s hand. Minho nods, confused, but hurries after Jisung, winding through the people dotting the sidewalk. They just manage to make the bus, having to run the extra few yards. It’s cramped, only one seat available which Jisung gives to Minho, grabbing the strap on the bar above. 

Minho takes Jisung’s free hand in both of his when the bus begins to move, rubbing his thumbs over Jisung’s calloused skin. Jisung smiles down at him, the look achingly fond. Minho smiles back, though out of the corner of his eye he sees the woman to his left frowning at them, the man on his right seemingly oblivious. He goes to let go of Jisung but Jisung shakes his head, flipping his hand over so he can hold onto Minho’s. 

“Was that whole interaction on purpose to get a seat?” Minho asks when at the next stop the woman stands, moving to another section of the bus. Jisung slides into her seat, keeping Minho’s hands in his. 

“You’ll never know,” Jisung teases, pressing their fingertips together. 

“So why did Chan text me to meet you at that stop?” Minho asks, scooting closer to Jisung so they can keep the conversation as private as possible. 

Jisung lets out a sigh. “Do you remember the day of our first date? I didn’t show up to the cafeteria because I was with Bin.” 

Minho nods, he remembers searching the room for Jisung, heart dropping when he wasn’t able to spot him. “You said you were going to text me that weekend, too?” 

“Yeah. I said that Bin’s father was in town,” Minho hums a yes. “Bin’s father is a traveling salesman; he isn’t home a lot. But when he is he gets violent with Changbin.” 

Minho feels himself going pale, horror ripping in waves through him. “Did his father come home again?” Jisung nods. “Is he okay?” 

“Yes, I think so,” Jisung says, “I mean I’m pretty sure he got hurt but he’s emotionally resilient. I just need to check up on him before we start our day, he tries not to get Chan and I involved but we’re brothers, we take care of each other.” Minho agrees, he understands the feeling. “Bin’s private about this,” Jisung continues, “we don’t really talk to anyone else but I’m sure you’ve heard rumors about Bin getting into fights?” 

“They’re…injuries from his father,” Minho breathes. 

Jisung grimaces, “Yeah.”

Minho takes a deep breath, tipping Jisung’s head onto his shoulder with shaky hands. “You should rest, you look exhausted.” 

“Worrying does that to you,” Jisung jokes, but his words are laden with truth. “Our stop is the fifth after the next, Seongbuk.” 

Minho giggles at his implication, petting Jisung’s hair and by doing so shielding his face with his arm, blocking the sunlight and the view of the other passengers. “Close your eyes.” 

“But when I close my eyes I can’t look at you.” 

Jisung’s voice is muffled but he still manages to make Minho blush. “Yah, Ji, stop flirting.” 

“But then I won’t get to see you blush.” 

Minho hides his smile in Jisung’s hair. “It seems like that’s all I do when you’re around.” 

Jisung chuckles, hands clutching at Minho’s sweater. “God, you’re so pretty.” 

“This is how you get through to all of your love interests,” Minho teases, his heart fluttering, “flirtation.” 

“There’s never been any other love interests,” Jisung murmurs, voice so quiet Minho can hardly pick it up among the noise of the other passengers. “Just you.” 

Minho’s eyes widen. He didn’t know what to expect but he hadn’t seen this coming. “I’m your first relationship?”

Jisung nods against Minho’s shoulder, going lax against him. “I’m closing my eyes now.” 

Minho smiles, running his fingers through Jisung’s hair. “Good.”

Jisung does manage to doze off, how exactly Minho doesn’t know. He looks tired, circles under his eyes and hair messy, like he’d been running his fingers through it all morning. Minho hates to wake him up but he does when they arrive at their stop, poking his shoulder until he rouses. 

“It’ll be a bit of a walk, this is the closest bus stop to Bin’s place,” Jisung explains, stretching his arms above his head when they step off the bus. Minho tucks himself into Jisung’s side, looking around. The streets are narrow, buildings grungy and the whole setting is dark. As they walk further down the street they were dropped off on Jisung picks up on Minho’s nervousness. “Talk to me,” he whispers, pulling Minho aside and cupping his cheek. 

“I feel bad, uh,” Minho bites on his bottom lip, gaze anywhere but Jisung’s face. 

“No lies, no hiding,” Jisung reminds him, gentle as always. “I’ll always listen to you.” 

“I’m scared,” Minho finally whispers, squeezing his eyes shut while his face heats up in shame. “I’ve never been in a residential area like this one, and I’m just nervous. I feel so out of place. And I feel like I’m failing you because I’m like this.” 

“I’m sorry,” Jisung says, startling Minho, his eyes opening. “I should have thought about it, I mean if I suddenly was shoved into a setting that you’re used to I would be scared too. And you’re not disappointing me in any way.” Jisung’s eyes are so warm. “I promise you that. Do you need to go back? I can send you to Gangbuk on the bus and then visit Changbin. I’ll be like fifteen or twenty minutes behind you though.” 

Minho lets out a long breath of air. “No, I can do this, we can do this.” He looks at Minho who nods, smiling. “Hold my hand?”

Jisung immediately links their fingers, squeezing once. “I’m proud of you, Min. Focus on me, not anyone else. We’ll get through this, okay?” 

Minho nods, “Okay.” 

Changbin’s home is a semi-basement apartment, with small windows that look out at the bottom part of the street. Jisung leads Minho to the side of the building and down a few steps to the door, knocking on it twice. 

After a few minutes the door is cracked open, a groan coming from within. “Yah, Han Jisung, what are you doing here?” 

“I’m here to check in on you,” Jisung says, pushing open the door, revealing his friend. Changbin’s a mess, wearing shorts and a wrinkled shirt, but most shocking is the bruise blooming on his cheek. Minho suddenly has the urge to be sick. 

“What’s he doing here?” Changbin asks, voice gruff. He points at Minho with an eyebrow raised. Minho rolls his eyes; over the past weeks he’s hung out with Chan and Changbin a few times, finding that both boys are kind people, more so to people they trust, especially in Changbin’s case.

“Don’t act like you hate me,” Minho says, letting go of Jisung’s hand and walking past them to the small fridge, finding a bag of frozen peas. He grabs a relatively clean hand towel and wraps the bag up, coming back to the pair of boys who are looking at him in shock. “Keep ice on it,” Minho says, handing the compress to Changbin. “Show me your ribs, you’re bruising there too, aren’t you?” 

Changbin shoots him a glare but pulls up his shirt, revealing another ugly looking bruise. Minho purses his lips, thinking. “Do you have any bandages or wraps?” Changbin shakes his head. Minho takes his bag off, digging through it and finding his pajama shirt. “Scissors?” 

Changbin points to the kitchen counter. “What the fuck are you doing?” 

Minho grabs the scissors, cutting down one side of the t-shirt. “Take your shirt off,” Minho says, coming back with the fabric. At Changbin’s annoyed expression Minho just rolls his eyes. “Compression bandage. It’ll help with the swelling.” 

“Ji, your boyfriend’s insane,” Changbin whines but pulls off his shirt anyhow, flinching when Minho presses the fabric against his stomach, ordering him to hold it. Minho has Jisung hold the other side of the fabric tight when he’s gotten it stretched around Changbin’s torso, quickly taking the decorative safety pins off of the front of his bag and pinning the temporary bandage, careful to not poke Changbin. 

“How does it feel?” he asks, stepping back when the bandage is secured. 

“Like it’s squishing me into nothing,” Changbin groans, grabbing his shirt and tugging it back over his head. “How do you even know how to do this crap? How did you know where else I was bruising?” 

Minho pushes his hair out of his eyes, bending down to pick up his bag. “Ribs are easy to kick, just like the face is easy to punch.” Minho slings the bag over his shoulder, tugging the sleeves of his sweater down from where he had pushed them up to his elbows. 

“But you’re a rich kid, how would you know about bruises and shit?” 

Minho looks over at Changbin, feeling a sudden sting behind his eyes. He can’t help the tiny bit of aggression that seeps into his voice. “Think about it, Changbin. Think hard for just one second and then you can tell me that a rich kid like me could never have had to treat bruises before.”

He watches as confusion sparks in Changbin’s expression, but then his eyes are widening, having finally caught on. “Minho—” 

“You’re not the only one.” He feels his cheeks burning up from stress and hurt, and he rests the back of one of his hands against the side of his face, trying to calm himself down. “Whether it’s for sick pleasure or releasing anger, money doesn’t account for anything when it comes to raising a hand against your child.” He lets out a long breath, arms coming up to hug himself. “You’re not the only one, and don’t ever forget that.”

Minho can see the shame that paints Changbin’s features when he turns to leave; for once it’s him who misjudged one of the people he classifies as rich, not the other way around. As Minho leaves his home he can only hope that Changbin can realize nothing’s black and white. Everything is made of greys, and some things are universal. Minho knows he’s still learning, ever since he gave that camera to Jisung he’s tried his best to see the layers in his life through the grey scale. 

Minho slumps against the side of the building, sliding down the brick to sit on the ground. He feels exhausted, worn out. He never wanted to mention anything about his abuse to anyone he befriended, let alone Jisung. But he knows Jisung would have found out eventually. In a way he’s scared to face Jisung now; he’s scared that he’ll see pity in his eyes. That’s the one thing he wants to never see from Jisung. 

He also knows deep down that Jisung will never purposefully hurt him, and even though his fears cover the thought, he knows that pity will be the last thing on Jisung’s mind. Jisung’s protective, very much so, as Minho’s come to learn over the weeks. When Minho was involved in an argument in the hallway at school because he bumped into a student, knocking down the pile of textbooks they were carrying for a teacher, Minho saw Jisung watching, anger flashing through his eyes when the student shoved Minho. It was the same with the time Minho had come to hang around the store while Jisung worked and on the way to the bus stop later that night had been harassed. Jisung, who was walking with him, would have started a fight if Minho hadn’t pulled him forward, running to the stop hand in hand.

Minho tugs at the collar of his sweater that suddenly feels like it’s suffocating him. He hears the apartment door open and shut, followed by footsteps, and looks up to see Jisung. “Is this spot taken?” he asks, gesturing to the space to Minho’s right. 

“By you,” Minho replies, staring at his hands when Jisung sits beside him. For the briefest of minutes he contemplates telling Jisung everything but then shoves that thought aside. He’ll put off this conversation as long as he can, it’s the only way that his mind will be at ease. “Please don’t make me talk right now, Jisung,” he whispers, cutting off any questions he might have.

“Can I hug you?” Jisung asks after a quiet minute. When Minho nods Jisung wraps his arms around him, pulling Minho close. “I want you to know that I’ll do everything I can to keep you safe. That’s classic boyfriend behavior anyhow, no matter the circumstance.” 

Minho hides his face in Jisung’s neck, closing his eyes. He knows that already. “Tell me about your family?” The question slips out, Minho hardly realizing he’s asked. 

Jisung lets out a sigh. “It’s only fair that I tell you, isn’t it.”

“You don’t have to,” Minho says, hands clutching at the front of Jisung’s sweatshirt. 

“No.” Jisung presses a kiss to the top of Minho’s head. “It’s simple, really. My parents lived in an apartment just out of downtown Seoul. It was nice, small but comfortable. I was born and we stayed there together until I was twelve. That was the year my mother was hit by a drunk driver. She died on the scene.” 

Minho’s breath is ripped from his lungs. “Ji, I’m so sorry.”

Jisung sighs, resting his chin on top of Minho’s head. “Some things happened and my father and I had to leave our home. We didn’t have anyone to stay with, my father wasn’t from Seoul and my mother’s family wasn’t in the picture. So it was either the streets or Guryong. Guryong is tightly knit, we all know each other and everyone is friendly. It turned out to be a good place for us, but when I was fifteen my father passed away from being overworked.” Minho’s lips part, tears in his eyes. All this time he had blindly assumed that Jisung’s parents were alive, he never could have dreamed up this reality. “I felt so guilty for a long time,” Jisung continues, “my father encouraged me to study but I could’ve spent a few years working part time to help him financially. But instead I was left with no one, just hospital bills that needed paying. Chan found me then. He knew me through school but we only became close when I passed out in the hallway from picking up too many hours at the store. He took me to the nurse and wouldn’t leave me alone until I told him what was going on. When I did he insisted on paying the bills, saying that I could pay him back in installments. And from there we just clicked. Changbin came along a few months after and it’s been us three ever since.”

Minho doesn’t realize he’s crying until Jisung is tilting his head up, thumbs brushing away his tears. “Don’t cry for me, silly,” he says, eyes warm. 

Minho sniffles, “I want to say something sappy.” Jisung’s lips quirk up, and he nods. “There’s no one like you,” Minho says, hands moving up to rest on his shoulders. “No one can compare to you.” 

Jisung looks away, cheeks tinged pink. “That is sappy.” 

Minho giggles, scooting around so that he can rest his head on Jisung’s shoulder. “You liked it.” 

“I never said I didn’t.”

Minho looks at their hands, tangled together. “Thank you. For not pushing me about what was said in Changbin’s home.” 

“It’s not something we can ignore forever, Minho,” Jisung says, and Minho can tell he’s forcing himself to keep his voice calm. “You know that, right?” 

Minho nods, “I’ll tell you. I just, I can’t right now. I’m sorry.” 

“There’s nothing for you to be sorry about,” Jisung soothes, “nothing at all.” 

Minho smiles, about to respond when his stomach growls. 

“It’s lunch time,” Jisung teases, squeezing his waist. What would you like?” 

“Mm, fishcake.”

Jisung laughs at the excitement in his expression, “Let’s go, then.”

Over an hour later, after eating, they arrive at the place they’ll be staying for the night. Minho had no idea what to expect, but what Jisung presents hadn’t even crossed his mind.

“This is it.” Jisung waves his hand towards a crumbling two story building, the bottom windows smashed and boards nailed over the door. Jisung must notice Minho’s confused expression because he laughs quietly, taking Minho’s hand and pulling him to the side of the building, through a partially hidden gate. After locking it behind them Jisung leads him into a small yard-like space, the whole area set on a cement slab with brick walls that stand even taller than Minho. There’s a table on the other side, a few chairs pushed up to it. 

“Wow,” Minho whispers, letting go of Jisung’s hand to look around. 

“The building was foreclosed,” Jisung explains, “it was a liquor store. Anyways, Bin, Chan, and I found it. We come here a lot, sometimes if Bin needs to get away from his father he’ll stay here.” 

Minho frowns, looking around the small area. “Camping?” 

Jisung laughs, shaking his head. “Come with me.” 

Minho follows him to a rickety staircase against the side of the building, climbing up it slowly, not looking down. “Are you okay?” Jisung asks when they reach the top, Minho nodding. 

“I just don’t like heights,” he explains. 

“Well then, let’s get you inside.” Jisung pushes open the door at the top of the stairs, letting Minho pass through first. They’re in an apartment of sorts, Minho realizes, with a table and couch, a bathroom off to the side. There’s a small kitchenette, which looks unused, and on the opposite wall there’s an elevated bed. The windows facing the street are covered by threadbare curtains, hiding them from sight but still allowing light in. 

“Jisung, this is amazing,” Minho whispers, looking around. 

“Yeah, it’s pretty cool.” Jisung reaches for Minho’s bag, pulling it off his shoulders and setting it near the couch. “There’s a convenience store right down the street where we go to use the bathroom and buy food. Lots of instant ramen. There’s also a portable restroom that’s closer.” 

Minho grins, crossing the few feet to Jisung and hugging him. “Thank you for taking me here.” 

Jisung presses his lips to Minho’s cheek, “I’ve wanted to bring you here for a while now, but the timing hasn’t worked out.” 

“I’m glad we’re here now,” Minho says, smiling at him. 

It’s domestic, almost frighteningly so. Jisung takes photos of Minho as he moves around the room, exploring, and he ends up making funny faces just to hear Jisung laugh. Minho learns that Jisung stays here pretty frequently, and has a stash of clothes in the closet. 

“Can I watch or do you get uncomfortable having an audience?” Jisung asks when they’re sitting on the bed, Minho bent over his sketchpad, working on a drawing for his elective class. 

“It’s okay if it’s you,” Minho mumbles, pulling himself over Jisung’s thigh to sit between his legs, back resting against his chest. “Good?”

Jisung’s hands find Minho’s waist, chin resting on his shoulder. “Yeah.”

Minho smiles, naively wishing for the moment to never pass. But it does, with every line drawn with his pencil another minute passes, bringing them continually on. 

“Let’s go to the store,” Minho says when he deems his work good enough, leaning back further into Jisung. 

“Sounds good.” 

Neither of them move and Minho can’t help but smile, eyes closing. “You just watched me draw for about an hour.” 

“It was amazing to see. Plus I like being near you.” 

“My heart is fluttering,” Minho teases, pulling himself away from Jisung and rolling off the bed. “Coming?” 

Jisung nods, smile fond. “Coming.” 

When they return from ramen and a walk, followed by another trip to the bathrooms, it’s past eight. Jisung gives Minho a shirt in place of the one he cut up, and they take turns changing in the unused bathroom of the liquor store.

“I’m exhausted,” Minho yawns, falling into Jisung’s arms when he comes back into the room. “Take me to bed. In a non-sexual manner.” 

Jisung laughs, scooping Minho up, one arm supporting his back and the other under his knees. “You’re lucky I have muscles from moving around crates in the storeroom at work.” 

Minho screeches as Jisung deposits him on the bed, bouncing a few times. “Yah, don’t throw me!”

Jisung flops down next to him, reaching out and running his fingers up and down Minho’s sides, making him squeal. “You’re so ticklish,” he coos, grinning at Minho who’s nearly in tears from laughing so hard. 

“I’m going to kill you,” he pants out, using all his strength to flip them over, hovering over Jisung. 

“What’re you going to do?” Jisung taunts, cocky smile not disappearing. 

“I want you to kiss me.” 

Jisung pries one of his hands free from Minho’s grasp, tucking a bit of Minho’s hair behind his ear. “I want our first kiss to be special.” 

Minho sighs, collapsing onto the bed next to Jisung. “I know.” 

“Come here.” Jisung drags the covers down and up over them both, pulling Minho to his chest. “Have you said anything to Jeongin?” he asks, letting Minho rest his head on his shoulder. 

“Not yet, I’m trying to figure out when the right moment is. But I really, really, want you two to meet, you’re my favorite people.”

“You’re one of my favorite people too,” Jisung says, drawing circles on Minho’s arm. 

They descend into silence, Minho’s eyes closing. “I can feel you thinking,” he mutters after a moment, “tell each other everything, right?”

“Fine, but you might be weirded out or kick me out of the bed.”

Minho sighs, playing with the material of Jisung’s shirt. “This is about sex, isn’t it?” When Jisung doesn’t reply Minho giggles, resting his chin on Jisung’s chest and peering up at him. Jisung’s cheeks are flushed pink, his embarrassment heavy in the air. “Well, ask.”

“Would you ever want to have sex? Not right now, obviously, but in the future?”

Minho nods, trailing his fingers over Jisung’s shirt. “Yeah, I do. But you’re going to have to kiss me first.”

Jisung huffs out a laugh. “Soon.”

Minho can’t help the smile that flits across his face. “Okay.” Jisung’s words from earlier in the day come back to him. “Have you ever kissed anyone?”

“Yeah, I have.”

“Mm.” Minho moves his hand up to rest over Jisung’s heart, finding the rhythmic beating soothing. “Ji, I had a boyfriend for a little while in Japan. I’m not a virgin.” 

Jisung presses his cheek against Minho’s hair, “Well at least one of us will know what we’re doing.”

Minho giggles, poking Jisung’s stomach. Jisung retaliates by rolling onto Minho, pinning his arms down. “Not fair.” Minho juts out his bottom lip, peering up into Jisung’s dark eyes. “Jiji.” 

“Stop being cute,” Jisung says, voice warm, pressing a light kiss to Minho’s forehead and moving off of him. 

“Nah,” Minho teases, curling up with Jisung again. 

“I’m going to turn off the light,” Jisung murmurs, and when Minho nods he flicks off the lamp. 

Minho rests his head on Jisung’s chest, looking around the darkened room. A faint glow from street lamps outside the windows illuminate strips of the floor while the rest of the room is draped in darkness, shadows playing on the walls when the curtains billow. 

Jisung slides his fingertips under the hem of Minho’s shirt, drawing patters on his skin with warm fingers, his other hand taking Minho’s, linking their fingers. 

Minho lets his eyes close, feeling completely at ease. 

~

When Minho blinks awake it takes him a moment to remember that he’s at the old liquor store. He feels Jisung’s arm circling him and moves just slightly so he can look at him, breath catching when he does see the boy. 

Jisung’s skin is glowing gold in the morning light, the curtains not doing much to block the rays of sun that flicker over the floor. His eyes are closed, lips parted just slightly, any line of worry or stress gone from his face. He looks so young and soft, while asleep having nothing to do with the challenges life has given him.

Minho raises his hand to brush Jisung’s bangs off his forehead, placing a gentle kiss to his temple. 

“You’re pretty.” Jisung’s voice is made deeper from sleep and it sends a shiver up Minho’s spine. 

“You haven’t opened your eyes,” Minho argues, blushing. “I could be a nasty mess, you’ve never seen me in the morning.”

“Mm, but you’re always pretty. So that means you’re pretty now, too.”

“Shut up,” Minho whines, stuffing his face into Jisung’s neck and tangling their legs together. 

Jisung laughs quietly, rubbing Minho’s back until Minho’s pout drops. “Tired?”

Minho nods, “Yeah.”

Jisung hums a gentle tune, keeping Minho close as he lures him back into slumber.

When Minho wakes up a second time Jisung is sitting up beside him, thumbing through the pages of a textbook. 

“What’re you looking at?” Minho asks, moving up to rest his head on Jisung’s shoulder. 

“Historical events,” Jisung sighs, closing the book. “How did you sleep?” 

Minho smiles at him, “Good. You?”

“Good,” Jisung parrots, running his fingers through Minho’s hair. “We’ll have to do this again.”

“Sleepovers, cute.” Minho scrunches up his nose when Jisung pokes his stomach, Jisung laughing in return. “But yes, please.”

“Gonna go to the bathroom,” Minho groans, sliding away from Jisung and off the bed, hissing when his feet touch the cold floor. He manages to find his shoes, stumbling out of the apartment and down the stairs, groaning as he hurries down the sidewalk to the portable restroom. Indoor plumbing is something he really misses.

When he returns Jisung is pulling a t-shirt over his head, Minho only witnessing a flash of tan skin before his shirt is tugged down, Jisung looking up at the sound of the door opening and closing.

“My eyes are up here,” he teases, hands on his hips. 

Minho, still caught in the fog of sleep, pouts. “Yeah, but your abs are down there.”

Jisung flushes pink, not expecting the comment, but sticks his tongue out, turning the moment playful. “Get dressed, pretty boy, we don’t have much longer together and we need breakfast.”

Minho crosses to his bag, pulling out a grey sweater. Looking up he meets Jisung’s eyes, the boy already watching him. “If I tell you not to you’re still going to look, aren’t you.”

Jisung shrugs, leaning back against the wall, a smirk playing on his lips. “The bathroom’s right over there.”

Minho rolls his eyes but makes a choice, dropping the sweater onto the foot of the bed. Keeping Jisung’s gaze he pulls his shirt up, biting his lip to keep his laughter down as Jisung’s eyes immediately move from his own to Minho’s pale skin.

Tossing the shirt onto the bed, Minho grabs his sweater, the corners of his lips curving up as he walks over to Jisung. “Help me,” Minho says, tilting his head in faux innocence. Jisung makes a sound of disbelief but takes his sweater, pulling it down over Minho’s arms when he raises them and guiding his head through. “Thanks,” Minho grins, pressing a kiss to Jisung’s cheek and flouncing away, barely holding in his laughter. 

“I’ll never underestimate you again, you’re crafty. This is all to get me to kiss you, isn’t it?”

“Mm,” Minho peers over his shoulder at Jisung, flashing him a smile. “Kind of. But my mind is pretty deep in the gutter right now, Jiji.” He grabs his pants, walking to the old indoor bathroom. “You only get to see this part of me after you finally kiss me.”

With a wink he closes the door, giggling when he hears Jisung’s resulting groan. 

“Where are you taking me?” Minho asks, the top of his head resting against Jisung’s cheek as they walk along the sidewalk in search of breakfast, Jisung’s arm around his waist. 

“Patience, sweetheart.” Minho blushes, trying to fight a smile. 

After a few minutes they come upon the first food stand, a man waving them over to eat. Jisung politely declines, guiding Minho further. They pass several more stands until they hit an intersection where carts and stands are lining all the sidewalks. 

“What would you like?” Jisung asks. “There’s quite a few options.” 

Minho’s eyes are starry as he looks around. “What the fuck, I never knew this type of thing existed!” 

“I know, that’s why I brought you,” Jisung teases, squeezing his hand. “There’s a woman who sells good Korean toast, do you want some?” 

“Sure, you know better than me what’s good.” 

Jisung is soon disappearing into the crowd and Minho is left to wander around, in awe at the morning market. There are students, backpacks flung over their shoulders, walking with skewers of meat in their hands while adults on their way to work eat rice out of paper cups. 

Minho spots a stand selling soup and makes his way over, exchanging pleasantries as he buys two bowls. Finding Jisung is a bit of a challenge amidst all the people so Minho goes back to where they had originally split, grinning happily when he finally spots him. 

“Don’t spill this,” Minho orders as he hands Jisung a bowl, receiving toast in return. 

They find a spot on the stoop of a closed store to sit and eat, out of the way of the steady stream of people. Soon Jisung is pulling out his camera he had brought along, snapping a few photos of the food and the street before turning towards Minho.

“Yah,” Minho whines, glowering at Jisung’s camera lens.

“One, please?” 

Minho resigns himself to his fate, poking his cheeks and pursing his lips. “Happy?” 

Jisung lowers his camera, rolling his eyes. “Sure, Min. Thanks.” Minho scrunches up his nose, taking a big bite out of his toast. 

At some point Minho takes notice of a few young children playing hopscotch down the sidewalk, all bright smiles and giggles as they play. He doesn’t realize he’s smiling as well until he hears the click of Jisung’s camera as he takes a photo. He looks at his boyfriend, eyebrow raised, but Jisung just gives him an innocent look. 

“Let me see what you took,” Minho whines, scooting over so their legs are flush. 

“Okay, okay.” Jisung switches the gear to see his photos, scrolling through until he hits one in particular.

“There. See? You’re beautiful.” Minho’s heart flutters, looking away from Jisung’s profile to the picture. It is a good photo of him, he’s smiling happily, gaze focused on the children that are out of frame. He for once doesn’t look put together - but he likes how his hair is covering his forehead and how the cold is making his cheeks and nose red. He looks so different from any staged and airbrushed photos his parents have had taken of him; he looks human. 

“Let me take one of you,” he insists, grinning when Jisung hands over the camera. After Jisung shows him the proper buttons he holds the camera up, looking through the viewfinder at the younger boy. “I think I have bad vision, all I see is a blob.” Jisung laughs at the comment and Minho snaps a photo, disorientated when he draws back. 

When he goes to review the picture his breath gets cut short. Minho caught Jisung mid-laugh, his expression bright with his eyes curved up into crescents. He’s radiating warmth, like he’s become the sun, making everything else around dull. 

Minho looks up at Jisung, expression changing to a mix of awe and gratitude and fear and so many other emotions he can’t place.

_I’m going to fall in love with you._

“Jisung?” Minho asks in a whisper, setting the camera down beside him. 

Jisung tilts his head, “Yeah?” 

“Jisung, please kiss me.” 

In his eyes Minho can see all of his own thoughts reflected clear as day. _I’m going to fall in love with you too._

Jisung is beyond careful as he cups Minho’s cheek, thumb running over his bottom lip. A shiver travels up Minho’s spine as he falls into Jisung’s dark eyes, eyes filled with a sense of care solely for him. Minho’s own eyes flicker shut when Jisung leans in closer, his heart nearly giving out when Jisung’s lips brush his. 

It’s fleeting, so brief Minho could’ve imagined it, but then Jisung’s kissing him again, with a stronger intention, Minho’s hands finding Jisung’s shoulders as their lips meet. Minho feels light, like he’s not tied to the ground, the only feeling registering being the softness of Jisung’s kiss and the heavy emotions of want and need and _finally_ mixed into one; something so tender that Minho’s heart might break at any moment.

When they’ve pulled away, but still close enough that Minho can feel Jisung’s breath mingling with his, he sees Jisung’s eyes. They’re impossibly starry, glittering with a thousand lights, and Minho lets out a shaky sigh, his fingers curling into the hair at the nape of Jisung’s neck. 

Everything’s gone soft and warm, it’s like the only connection to any reality Minho has is through Jisung, his only focus being the boy in front of him. When they lean in to kiss again Minho lets himself dive into the feeling, not bothering to come up out of the emotions in his mind, knowing that Jisung will keep him safe. 

Minho can’t help but let himself think that he wants his last first kiss to be one where he’s sitting on the front steps of a store in the middle of a marketplace early in the morning, a camera resting beside him and a heartbreakingly beautiful boy making him feel like he’s truly one in a million. 

“Thank you for the past day,” Minho says, voice hushed, when they’re sitting on the bus headed back to the center of Seoul, his head resting on Jisung’s shoulder. “I loved spending so much time with you, Jiji.”

“I did too.” Jisung leans his head against Minho’s, hand rubbing up and down Minho’s side. His eyes are closed, completely lost under Jisung’s touch. “I’m going to miss you.”

“I’m going to miss my favorite pillow,” Minho teases, tapping a gentle beat on Jisung’s thigh. 

“I’m going to miss my favorite boyfriend.”

Minho giggles, his whole body warm from being near Jisung. “You win.” 

When the bus arrives it takes all of Minho’s strength to get off, unable to stop looking back over his shoulder at Jisung, who smiles at him, though Minho can tell that this is hurting him too. As his feet touch the ground again and he’s suddenly surrounded by the noise and crowd of Seoul, Minho feels frighteningly overwhelmed, a nauseous feeling in his stomach. The weight of his bag on his shoulder is too heavy, the noise of people and cars around him is too loud, the sunlight flickering through grey clouds above him is too bright. 

He feels lightheaded as he looks back towards the bus, needing to get back to his Jisung. His heart plummets and smashes into tiny pieces when he can’t spot the bus, the traffic already moving on. A part of him that’s almost fully hidden away knows that this was going to happen, that he would have to leave Jisung, but the biggest part of him feels nothing besides terror and abandonment.

Everything is so foggy, like Minho is trapped in water, the noise and people distorted around him but so _loud._ Minho bursts into tears, his discomfort through the roof. He’s feeling so much and crying so heavily that he can barely walk but forces himself forward, up the street and to his apartment building, the whole time trying to dry his tears with his sleeves. He's dizzy, and bumps into a few people, suddenly absolutely repulsed by the feeling of anyone touching him, which makes him cry harder. All he wants is Jisung, all he needs is the boy who will keep him safe. 

Somehow he makes it to the apartment, pulling off his shoes and then tripping over to his room, dumping his bag on the ground. Minho goes to his closet, and grabs Jisung’s hoodie, pulling off his sweater with shaky hands and then tugging it on. He strips off his jeans and then crosses to his bed, falling onto the blankets and hiding his face in a pillow, finally letting himself fully sob. 

It’s cold without Jisung hugging him, it’s almost scary. Minho whimpers, wishing that wherever Jisung is he could be there too.

Minho falls asleep, but all he dreams about is dark skies and cities filled with blank faces.

~

As the week moves forward Minho feels better, his anxiety reducing, especially after a few hours spent with Jisung after classes on Monday. He told Jisung about his feelings and how intense they were but Jisung was just as lost as him, not knowing why Minho reacted so strongly to them parting. 

School continued the same, Jisung and Minho exchanging small smiles in the hallways and at lunch Minho continued to steal glances at Jisung. Minho feels the stress of hiding a relationship much more now, and he hates that he doesn’t have a way to contact Jisung besides the hope that Chan or Changbin will be with him if he texts. 

He’s scared of their relationship, but he’s also terrified to lose Jisung.

~

“Hyung,” a body lands on Minho’s bed, making him groan and roll over, stuffing his face into one of his pillows. “Hyung…” Jeongin is insistent, poking at Minho’s shoulder blades and spine, making him squirm.

“What do you want?” Minho mumbles, swatting blindly at Jeongin’s offending hands.

“It’s your birthday, hyung.”

Minho hums, “So why’re you waking me up?” 

“Because I wanted to be the first one to make you smile.”

Minho rolls over, reaching out and latching onto Jeongin, forcing him into cuddles. “You’re lucky I love you.” 

“I love you too, hyung. Happy birthday.” 

“So you’re finally eighteen.” 

Minho nods, poking at his eggs with a fork. “It would seem so, Father.” 

The four family members are sitting at the dining room table, Minho counting down the minutes until he has to leave for school on the clock above his father’s head. “No need to be snide,” his mother chastises, and Minho catches Jeongin rolling his eyes. 

“Before I forget, this is for you.” Minho’s father slides a small box towards Minho, watching as he takes it and opens the lid. Inside is a silver watch, all delicate parts and polished metal. 

“Thank you, Father,” Minho says, looking up and giving the man a small smile. “I’m sure it will come in handy.” 

“Wear it well,” he says, reaching over to pat Minho’s shoulder. “In the business world you will need to always be punctual, start early by keeping that regiment in school.” 

Minho bows his head in thanks and then he closes the box, setting it aside. 

“So, your tutoring, how is that going? Will you need the help much longer?” 

Minho’s heart drops at the question from his mother, twisting his napkin nervously in his lap. He can’t lose the tutoring times, he can’t lose the few hours he gets with Jisung each week. “I’m still shaky on some points, I don’t want to fall behind if I stop, so I believe I should continue working with my tutor.” 

His white lie seems to take, his father nodding his head. “Very well.” 

The clock strikes seven-thirty and Jeongin rises along with Minho. “Be safe over the weekend and we’ll see you two on Monday evening,” their mother says, giving them a smile. 

Minho smiles to himself, elated at having another night with Jisung, especially one on his birthday. “Stay safe in Japan.”

“I hate family meals,” Jeongin says as they are sliding into the car waiting just outside the doors of the building. They both greet the driver who looks stoically forward, like always, making Jeongin roll his eyes.

“They aren’t the most pleasant activity,” Minho says, sighing. “Anyways, thanks for letting me stay over at Chan’s tonight, I promise for the rest of the weekend I’m all yours.”

“Sure, you seem like you’ve grown close with him,” Jeongin says, “I’ll hang out with a friend. But yes, Saturday and Sunday are mine.”

Minho laughs, ruffling his brother’s hair. “Okay, deal.” 

“It’s a nice watch,” Jeongin comments after a moment, looking over at Minho’s wrist. Minho brushes his fingertips over the watch on his wrist, the metal cool against his skin. “Very business-esque.”

Minho rests his head on the window, looking out at the buildings that flash by. “He’s trying to make me into something I don’t want to be, Jeongin.”

“Hey, don’t think about that. This is your day, hyung! Be happy.” Jeongin tugs on Minho’s sleeve until he turns, meeting Jeongin’s grin. “Come on, smile a bit.” Minho gives him a goofy face, making them burst into giggles. “Good enough.”

Minho leans against Jeongin, and although he feels brighter there’s still an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of his stomach. He tugs his blazer sleeve over the watch, suddenly hating the weight that seems to solidify his future.

“Happy birthday!” 

Minho hardly has time to prepare himself before Felix is flying into him, wrapping him up in a big hug. “Hey to you too,” he laughs, hugging the boy back. 

“Congratulations on another year, hyung,” Seungmin greets when Felix drags Minho over to their normal lunch table. 

“Thank you,” Minho says with a smile, sliding into the spot next to Hyunjin and across from Felix. 

“Happy birthday,” Hyunjin murmurs, bumping Minho gently with his elbow and sending him a shy grin. 

“Thanks, Jin,” Minho says, returning the smile. 

Minho tries to pay attention to the conversation, he really does, but he can’t help that his gaze drifts to the familiar table in the back where three boys he’s grown to know well are sitting. Chan has his face in a book as normal and Changbin is napping, head tilted back against the wall. Jisung is already looking at him when Minho meets his eyes, lips curving up in a crooked smile. Minho hides his own smile behind his hand when Jisung mouths ‘Happy birthday.’ He’s quick to nod his head, knowing that Jisung can see his happiness through his eyes. 

“Hey, hyung, can I borrow you for a minute before class?” Hyunjin asks, making Minho rip his gaze away from Jisung. 

“Um, yeah, sure,” Minho says, confused. He still stands, grabbing his tray to dump, following behind Hyunjin. As they leave the lunch room he looks over his shoulder, meeting Jisung’s eyes again. Jisung looks a bit upset but smiles anyway upon noticing Minho’s stare. 

Hyunjin takes Minho to an empty hallway, leading him to stand in front of the windows. “I have a gift for you, hyung,” Hyunjin says, handing a small flat package to Minho. 

Minho takes it from him, suddenly getting flashbacks to a situation like this that had hurt terribly. He undoes the wrapping paper, eyes widening upon seeing the contents. “Hyunjin…” 

“A trip to Jeju,” Hyunjin says, gesturing to the tickets. “I thought it might be a nice break for Seungmin, Lix, you, and I. And your brother Jeongin.” 

“Wow,” Minho breathes, looking through the tickets. “I - thank you, Jin.”

“It’ll be a nice vacation for over the winter holidays.” 

“When exactly?” There’s so much unease filling Minho that he feels nauseous. 

“The beginning of winter break, for a week,” Hyunjin says, smiling brightly at him. 

Minho nods, forcing a look of appreciation onto his face. “Thank you, Hyunjin, this was very thoughtful. I’ll have to check if Jeongin and I can make it, though.”

“No need,” Hyunjin grins, “I talked to your parents already and they approved the idea.”

Minho feels himself paling, all his plans with Jisung gone. “Oh, okay then.” 

Just as Hyunjin opens his mouth the bell rings, bringing a wave of relief to Minho. “Thank you again,” he rushes out, patting Hyunjin’s shoulder and then hurrying off in the direction of the bathrooms, not looking back. 

By the time he enters the room and finds a stall his stomach is in tight knots, his skin burning up from anger directed at himself. He splashes his face with cold water, not bothering to dry it, instead slumping against the counter, tears welling up in his eyes. 

The watch - the tickets - Minho feels trapped, like his being is breaking apart with no one to help him.

Being with Jisung makes Minho happy, it always has. But the weight of the tickets in his school bag when they find themselves in the Gangbuk district late that afternoon after school is tearing him to pieces. Being with Jisung suddenly seems so hard, so terrifying. Minho’s suffocating, holding onto Jisung’s hand, and he knows that if he lets go it’ll all be easy again. But he’s so, so scared of the idea of letting the boy that means everything to him go. 

Minho suddenly feels so small, and he’s so terrified. 

“Who was that girl? She kept watching us, like she knew you.” 

They’re walking from the convenience store to the old liquor shop, sharing a bag of jellybeans. Jisung frowns, “That clerk?” Minho nods and pushes open the gate, following Jisung into the yard. “She works a bunch of hours there, and I don’t know, she’s drawn hearts on my receipts a couple of times.”

Minho’s mouth drops open, “Does she know that you’re taken?” 

Jisung raises an eyebrow, “Are you upset that someone has a crush on me when I’m so obviously gone for you?” 

“Yes. Yeah. I put up with watching girls and guys hand you confessions at school. I finally get to have you to myself and there’s someone after you! Do you know how hard that is to see?” 

Jisung rolls his eyes, “I have to see Hwang Hyunjin all over you at school but hey, I try not to say anything. Because I know that he’s your friend, even if he obviously feels differently. I try my best to always make you happy, Minho.” 

“Why can’t you at least act like you have better things to do than flirt around? Getting hearts drawn on your receipts?” Minho cries. 

Jisung’s eyes widen, “Then don’t let Hyunjin get all cozy with you, or anyone for that matter!”

Minho glares at Jisung, grabbing him by his collar and pushing him up against the side of the building. “Shut up,” he growls, leaning in and kissing him hard. 

Not a moment later Jisung pushes Minho until his back is pressed up against the rail of the staircase, ignoring the bag of jellybeans that falls from Minho’s grasp, the contents rolling across the ground around them. Jisung kisses him back just as harshly, too many ugly emotions riled up between them. The annoyance at flirtation is just an overlay, there’s so much more anger for too many other things buried underneath. 

“I resent you.” 

The words rest heavy between them, Jisung’s chest rising and falling quickly against Minho’s, their faces no more than centimeters apart. 

“Do you?” Jisung’s words are frighteningly bitter. 

“I know that you resent me as well, don’t you?” Minho says, staring right into Jisung’s hauntingly dark eyes. 

“Maybe I do.” Jisung pulls away, hands fisting at his sides. “I resent so many fucking things but I tried to never resent you. Was that all misplaced, though? Do I really resent you for everything that we have to go through?” 

Minho slides to the ground, resting his forehead against his knees. He can’t help the tears that prickle at his waterlines, unable to hide them from Jisung when they slide down his cheeks. 

Jisung sits down next to him with a small sigh, tilting his head back against the wall. The fight has gone out of them in a flash but Minho can still feel anger prickle under his skin, and he knows Jisung feels the same.

“Where did this go all pear-shaped?” Minho asks in a whisper. 

Jisung purses his lips, dragging his fingernail against the fabric of his jeans. “Somewhere between me accusing you of accepting flirtation and you accusing me of displaying flirtation.” 

“I’m sorry,” Minho says, closing his eyes in an attempt to stop his tears. “I just want to be with you so badly it’s making me hostile. And I don’t know what else to do besides turn to my friends, and I guess Hyunjin takes that as an invitation to flirt.” The word ‘resent’ seems too hard to mention.

“I’m sorry too,” Jisung continues after. “I know you don’t have much of a choice around Hyunjin, he likes you and you can’t just tell him off saying you’re with someone. And I’m sorry that I seem like I’m flirting around.” 

“I want this secrecy to be over so badly,” Minho whispers, “and I feel horrible because it seems like it’s all I can ever talk about.” 

Jisung reaches over and takes one of Minho’s hands. “Me too.”

Neither one of them is mad at the other anymore, Minho knows. But he also knows that Jisung can’t look at him, as he’s a reminder of the mess they’re in. Minho can’t look at Jisung either, scared of the same thing. Instead he looks at their hands that are resting on the floor between them, one pale, dainty, from a lifetime of ease while the other is tanned and calloused, showing years of hard work. “Are we…”

“Running out of things to say,” Jisung finishes for him, letting out a slow sigh. “Yeah, I think so.” 

Minho nods, blinking back his tears. 

They sit hand in hand in silence, the lack of noise deafening in the confines of the tiny cement yard. 

Neither of them have any words; or at least Minho is keeping all his thoughts to himself. They sit in the yard for a long time, until Minho’s legs are numb and he’s cried all that he can. Minho accepts instant ramen from Jisung, eating at the high counter in the convenience store, the pair not looking at anything but their food. 

“Do you want to go home?” Jisung asks, briefly turning his attention away from his noodles when they’re nearly finished.

Minho stares at his almost empty cup. “I should.” It hurts to say.

Jisung nods, standing up and taking their empty containers and throwing them away. “Let’s go then, the buses are going to stop running in a few minutes.”

Minho stands up as well, following Jisung to the door and then out onto the streets. The area is quiet for the most part, once night falls everyone retreats into their homes. Jisung is silent too, which leaves Minho to stay quiet as well, the only noise being the sound of their boots on cement. 

“Thanks for spending the day with me,” Minho says when they arrive at the stop, “and dinner.”

Jisung nods, shoving his hands in his pockets. 

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” Minho whispers, “please.”

Jisung looks up and Minho can see pain and exhaustion in his eyes. “I was thinking about how lucky I was to be able to have a relationship with someone like you.” 

Minho flinches at his tone. “Someone like me?”

Jisung wets his lips, eyes dulling. “Yeah. I got a chance with a smart, rich, beautiful boy who I knew being with would only end with my heart being broken.” Jisung glances past Minho at the bus they both can hear coming. 

“Are we breaking up?” Minho asks, voice cracking. He can hardly breathe. 

Jisung looks away. 

“It seems it’s impossible to keep doing this,” Minho whispers, tears blurring his vision. “So yes, we are, aren’t we.”

“Get home safe,” Jisung murmurs, looking up into Minho’s eyes, his expression mirroring Minho’s. But then he looks away, taking a step back, adding to the divide between them.

Minho nods once and then forces himself to turn around and climb onto the bus that’s just arrived. He doesn’t look back, doesn’t look back towards the dark streets, towards the old liquor store, towards the boy who broke his heart and just as painfully, the boy with the heart Minho just broke. 

He sits towards the back of the bus and rests his head against the window, closing his eyes as he draws closer and closer to the heart of Seoul, the world he’s made to be in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ;))
> 
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	4. crimson love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yoyoyo  
> it's been so long TT I'm sorry!! I lost around 10,000 words so that sucks but I'm glad I'm back to posting!  
> I feel really bad about leaving you guys on a double cliff hanger, first the whole first chapter and then the end of last chapter sorry!! I hope this makes up for it, even though it's a bit disjointed  
> in this chapter there are hints at minho's past and some hints to what happens concerning sungie in the future :)) idk just be aware of that~
> 
> anyways, enjoy!! thank you all for the lovely comments <3 they make my day! I believe I'm up to date on responses to messages on tumblr, I missed a few and I feel so bad about it!! pls re-message me if you'd like, I'm checking my notifs more frequently now ^^  
> oh and,,, seungmin the little snake
> 
>  **cw:** mentioned self-harm, vague mentions of suicide, unwanted romantic advances

_November 2014_

While asleep there’s no thinking, and therefore no pain. Minho needs that escape desperately so he finds a bottle of his mother’s sleeping pills and takes a few, passing out on his bed not minutes later.

It’s nice not to feel.

When he wakes up it’s mid-morning; the sun is shining in through his windows and casting golden patterns on his hardwood floor. Minho rolls onto his side, staring at the spot beside him, remembering another world where Jisung’s skin had glowed the same gold, the world where they had been caught in a bubble of happiness, far away from all other life.

Minho reaches out, grasping the blanket where he hopelessly wishes another body lay, and closes his eyes, self-hatred burning him up inside. Thinking is too painful, because all of his thoughts revolve around a single person he wants to hold close. The only thing he can do is sleep.

Jeongin notices something is wrong and also sees that Minho isn’t ready to talk. Instead he brings Minho snacks and they marathon movies in the safety of Minho’s bed. Their parents leave for an extended trip to Japan and it brings Minho some relief, but he still feels wretched. He tries to distract himself, he really does, but the thought of Jisung, what he is doing, and whether he misses Minho just as much as Minho does him, lingers in his mind. 

~

School is shattering. 

Minho barely manages to drag himself onto campus and into his class without turning around and running far, far away. His anxiety is running wild - Jeongin had told him to stay home, as he always catches on when Minho is feeling turbulent, but Minho knows he needs to keep moving forward. 

Minho spends the hours just staring at the board, mind blank. During lunch, instead of finding his friends, he walks the halls, staying far away from the cafeteria where, with his luck, Jisung would be eating. 

He’s humming to himself, hands shoved in his blazer pockets when up ahead of him a door to a classroom is pushed open and—

Minho spins around to try and avoid Jisung who has stepped out into the hallway, but instead of escaping he runs right into another student, the drink they had been holding spilling all over the shoulder and sleeve of Minho’s blazer. 

Minho flounders for a second but then runs, runs away from the student who is muttering apologies and away from Jisung who he knows saw everything. Tears warp his vision, like he’s looking through glass, as he runs, his footfalls pounding loudly in his head. 

Minho goes to the place he knows he won’t be disturbed: the library. No one is there during the lunch period, only the old librarian sat behind his desk, so Minho flies into the rows of shelves to the far back and sinks to the floor where he’s properly hidden. He pulls his knees to his chest and sniffles, feeling the dampness spreading from his blazer to his shoulder. He takes it off, tearing up again at the stain that’s surely forming. 

The sound of steps on carpet makes Minho tense, and he looks up, terrified of being found crying by anyone in this school.

Jisung is standing in front of Minho, his blazer held in his arms, the jacket Minho never sees him wear. Minho gapes at him, confused, as Jisung stares down at him with expressionless brown eyes. Minho gets to his feet, knowing he should say something, _needing_ to say something, but he can’t formulate words. 

To Minho’s surprise Jisung stretches his hand out, silently asking for Minho’s blazer. Confused, Minho gives it to him, watching as Jisung takes his own class pin and name tag off of his jacket and replaces them with Minho’s. When he’s finished he looks up, meeting Minho’s eyes. Minho shivers - they’re so close that he could lean forward and hug Jisung, just like he’s ached to do for the past days of torture. 

Jisung breaks off his train of thought when he sets his stain-free jacket, with Minho’s insignia now on it, over Minho’s arm. Giving Minho one more empty look, he turns to leave, but Minho snags his sleeve to stop him from leaving. Jisung turns around and Minho opens his mouth to say he’s sorry, to say he’s scared, to say he misses him with every cell in his body, but no sound comes out. 

But even if Minho can’t speak, he sees the feelings that are still there, in Jisung’s eyes. The care that is still so strong. The emotions they feel towards each other, even after their separation. It wasn’t that they didn’t truly care for each other, it was just that their situation could never work. 

They couldn’t have worked; because Minho is too weak, too terrified to let himself be happy. 

He shudders, wobbling slightly, and watches brief panic flash through Jisung’s eyes. “I’m sorry,” Minho manages to mumble, tears pricking in his eyes. 

Jisung reaches forward and cradles his cheek so gently, eyes painfully fond as he watches Minho’s expression for any sign of discomfort. 

Minho pleads with his eyes, for what he’s not quite sure, as his fingers grasp at Jisung’s button up. Jisung’s eyes seem to see through his soul and after a long minute Jisung finally leans in and kisses him.

The kiss is tentative - giving them the chance to break away. When Minho pushes closer Jisung’s arms slip around him, holding him close. For a moment it feels like nothing has changed, that when they pull apart Jisung will tease Minho as he always does and Minho will feign annoyance as he always does. For a moment Minho lets himself believe that he and Jisung are far away from school, instead tucked away in the sanctuary of the liquor store where they can hug and kiss, hidden from prying eyes. 

But they aren’t. 

“Don’t cry,” Jisung whispers, letting Minho hide in his arms as his tears begin to fall. “Don’t cry.”

“Then stay,” Minho whimpers. 

Jisung shakes his head, pressing a kiss to Minho’s temple. “We can’t fool ourselves any longer.” 

_“Please.”_

Jisung smiles sadly at him, carefully brushing a few strands of Minho’s hair away from his eyes. “Bye, Minho.” 

Minho reaches for him again but Jisung is out of reach before he can hold him. “Jisung,” he cries, feeling so weak and pitiful. Jisung looks at him one last time, grief in his expression. He shakes his head and Minho crumbles, fear billowing through him. He’s terrified of losing what he’s already lost. 

“Jisung—”

This time Jisung doesn’t look back. He doesn’t see Minho’s eyes dampen as he crumples, curling into a tiny ball on the floor. Minho feels like absolute garbage - he played with Jisung’s emotions. Why? Because he cares so much. Too much. It makes him selfish. 

Why does he care? Because he’s in love. 

He’s in love with Jisung. 

Minho’s known for a while now, in the back of his mind. He’s known, but the true realization still shocks him. More tears well up in his eyes and he doesn’t bother brushing them away. 

Jisung - intelligent, kind, fair, beautiful Jisung. Jisung who wants to love the world but is rejected over and over. Jisung who is so bright that Minho is blinded, blindly going into a relationship where pain and anger can be the only result. He blindly tripped into Jisung’s world, and now that he’s seen so much - seen the life, seen the heart of the boy who means the most, he’s forced himself away. Jisung is the first person Minho thinks of in the morning and the last person he thinks of just before he sleeps. He spends hours during the day dreaming of the moments he gets with Jisung and spends hours more hand-in-hand with him in his dreams. 

Love - to Minho love is the smell of street food and kisses in store doorways and the sight of dust particles in the early morning light as he’s wrapped in the warmth of an embrace. Love is sketches and photographs and sunny smiles and bright laughter. Love is dark and desolate, love is the rain hitting glass. Love is laced with fear. Yet love...love is the possibility of getting caught in flames, but still taking the risk. Love is…

Love is what Han Jisung is to Lee Minho. 

Jisung is fire, and Minho can do nothing but battle that danger. Life is push and pull, but Minho wants to hold on, to persevere, to not get thrown to the side. Even if Minho burns in those flames he needs to be with the person who betters him, who he betters. He needs to laugh and cry with him; he needs Jisung. 

Minho lets out a shaky breath, tipping his head back against the shelf. He knows two things: he’s scared and he’s a fool to have given up so soon. 

Not when he’s found the person who is his other half. 

Minho runs into Seungmin as he’s leaving the school grounds that afternoon. The younger boy calls for him, jogging to catch up. 

“Hey, Seungmin,” Minho greets, smiling at his friend. 

“Hi, hyung.” Seungmin adjusts his bag, falling into step beside Minho. “I heard about the senior who spilled the milk on you.” He glances at Minho’s uniform. “It seems like you got the stain out?”

Minho’s heart speeds up. “Yeah, I spent nearly twenty minutes trying to wash it out. Luckily it dried.”

Seungmin nods, “You did a good job, it looks so good it could be passed for new.”

Minho grins, his heart in his throat. “Thanks.”

“Anyways, I’ll see you around,” Seungmin says when they reach the gate. “Get home safe.”

“You too,” Minho says, waving as the boy walks off. When Seungmin is out of sight Minho blinks back tears of fear, his whole body trembling. The only incident he and Jisung ever had happened after they broke up. 

Minho decides not to call the driver and instead walks home, trying to ease his nerves and forget that if he hadn’t been so horrible he would be spending time with Jisung right now. 

Minho keeps his head down as he walks because he can’t stop his tears of hurt. 

~

As the days pass Minho fills sketchbooks with doodles of Jisung; Jisung’s eyes, Jisung’s lips, Jisung’s smile. It hurts to look at what he’s created, but on the other hand is a reminder of what he cares for so deeply. He looks at the photo he still keeps in his phone case as well, missing the subject of the photo terribly. 

~

“Hi, Minho.” 

Minho smiles wobbly at Chan, twisting his fingers together. He found Chan after school in the printer room, and had cornered him. “Hi, uh,” he takes a breath and hugs himself. “Is...is he okay?” 

Chan sighs, adjusting the stack of papers in his arms. “What do you think?” 

Minho stares at his shoes. 

“Minho, I understand why you did it. Just, you need to make a clean break, pining like this will only keep hurting you.” 

Minho closes his eyes. “I don’t know how. I don’t know how to let him go.” 

Chan lets out a breath, “Well then, maybe you shouldn’t have.” 

~

“Hyung?” 

“Hm?” Minho looks away from the television and at Jeongin who is fiddling with Minho’s hand, much like Jisung often does - did. 

“I...You’ve been really sad lately, hyung,” Jeongin says. He doesn’t say anything else, Minho can feel his anxiety radiating off him in waves. Instead he stretches the skin of the inside of Minho’s wrist, displaying the scars that are nearly invisible normally. Minho frowns at the white lines and gently bats Jeongin’s hands away. He meets Jeongin’s eyes and suddenly it hits him. 

“God, Jeongin, no,” he takes Jeongin’s face in his hands, his heartbeat speeding up. “I’m not going to leave you. I’m sad, I am, but I won’t leave you.” 

Jeongin sniffles and Minho’s heart breaks as tears glint in his brother’s eyes. He suddenly looks so young - scared. Scared of losing the person closest to him. “I just...you’ve been so distant and I’ve tried to get close to you, but I can’t seem to.” 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry I scared you. I promise I’ll be better soon.” Minho sweeps Jeongin’s bangs away and kisses his forehead. 

That night Minho falls asleep with Jeongin resting against him, curled up on the couch. He dreams of Jeongin’s smiling face and Jisung’s lopsided grin. He dreams of loss and grief and horrible vertigo and the feeling of sleek metal cord around his neck. 

~

Minho spends days contemplating before texting the one person who he knows won’t press him with questions. 

[Minho-hyung] hey, Felix?

[Yongbok-ie] Hey hyung! What’s up? 

[Minho-hyung] say, if a person hurt another person badly and the first person felt really bad but was scared to apologize because they didn’t think what was said could be fixed, what should the first person do?

[Yongbok-ie] Apologize. Even if it can’t be fixed the second person should know how the first person really feels  
[Yongbok-ie] you okay, hyung?

[Minho-hyung] yeah, was just wondering.  
[Minho-hyung] thanks, Yongbok-ah

[Yongbok-ie] yah  
[Yongbok-ie] I hope it goes well, hyung :)

Minho smiles at his phone, shutting it off and slipping it into his pocket. He grabs a coat from his closet and pulls it on, and then walks to the door. He puts on his boots and leaves the apartment, taking the elevator to the lobby and then stepping out onto the street. 

The cold hits him immediately and he shivers, stuffing his hands into his pockets. It’s days from December and the weather is starting to show it. Minho walks to the bus stop and stands next to the sign, waiting for the right numbered bus to appear. 

Nearly half an hour later he arrives in Gangbuk district. He came with no plan - he doesn’t even know if Jisung will be at the store, but he has to try before he looses his nerve. 

Minho’s heart speeds up as he nears the old liquor store. Although it’s only been over a week since he was at the store last it feels like an eternity has passed. The gate scrapes against the cement when he pushes it open, the noise grating on his ears. When he turns the corner of the building he comes face to face with Changbin. Startled, he opens his mouth to greet him but Changbin just purses his lips and brushes past him.

Minho sighs, wrapping his arms around himself. He hadn’t expected for Chan and Changbin to be happy with him but it still hurts. When Minho looks towards the table at the far side of the yard he sees Jisung. He has a can of what looks like soda in his hand, sweatshirt hood pulled over his hair as he sits with his feet propped up on another chair. He’s staring straight at Minho, his face expressionless.

“Hi,” Minho greets, stepping closer. The tension is smothering. “I…have something to tell you.”

Jisung swings his legs off the chair, setting down the can. “Minho, we, we can’t keep coming up to each other. Do you - do you know how much it hurts to see you? I know this hurts you too.”

The honesty in Jisung’s confession makes Minho tense up, and tears well in his eyes. “Please, just hear me out. And then I’ll leave.”

“Fine,” Jisung says, crossing his arms. “Go ahead.”

“I love you, Jisung,” Minho whispers. He watches as Jisung’s eyes widen, lips parting in shock. “I love you more than you can imagine. So it’s - it’s your turn. Break my heart.” 

He closes his eyes, waiting for the rejection, but instead he feels warm hands cupping his face. “You love me?” Jisung asks, more vulnerability in his voice than Minho has ever heard. 

“How can I not?” Minho breathes, tensing as Jisung’s thumbs brush away his tears. “We have opposite lives and sometimes it hurts to be with you, but I would rather feel that pain and have a thousand good memories than be without you.” Minho closes his eyes, leaning into Jisung’s touch. “I have a lot of regrets but meeting you, fighting for you, and loving you will never become moments of remorse. Jisung, I don’t resent you, I let myself blame you for our situation when it’s neither of our faults, falling in love isn’t a crime.” Minho shivers. “And I hate myself for only fully realizing that after saying the things I did and letting you go.”

“Minho, look at me, please.” Minho slowly opens his eyes, meeting Jisung’s. “I love you too, more than anything.” Minho lets out a shuddering breath, his bottom lip wobbling. “I don’t think I could ever purposely break your heart,” he continues, fingers trailing over Minho’s jaw. “If I ever break your heart the reason will never be my feelings for you.” 

“Are you promising me indefinite love?” Minho teases, but his heart is beating double-time. 

Jisung laughs, “I’ll take as much time as I’m given to be with you.”

“We’re being so naive,” Minho says, eyes fluttering shut as Jisung kisses his forehead, arms wrapping around him. 

“Maybe so,” Jisung responds, “but I don’t believe that I could leave you so soon.” 

Minho playfully pokes at his stomach, making Jisung laugh quietly. “Then, as a naive promise, will you be with me ‘till death do us part?” 

Jisung answers not seconds later, fast in his decision. “‘Till death do us part.” 

“I love you,” Minho whispers, pressing his lips against Jisung’s neck. 

“I love you too.” Jisung kisses the side of Minho’s head and Minho smiles through his oncoming tears; Jisung loves him, loves him enough to promise his lifetime to Minho. However foolish the words are, Minho vows to keep his end of the promise. 

“That time in the library,” Minho starts, his head resting on Jisung’s chest as Jisung plays with his hand, tracing the joints of his fingers. They came upstairs to the apartment, collapsing onto the bed in a tangle of limbs. “After you left was when I really realized how much you mean to me. I - I hate myself for hurting you and for playing with your feelings that day. I just was so greedy, I wanted your attention so desperately, I missed you so much.”

“I was the one who kissed you,” Jisung says, “I messed with your feelings too. I missed you so badly - I dedicated weeks to caring for you and falling for you, when you were suddenly ripped away it felt like I had nothing again.”

Guilt tugs at Minho’s heart. Jisung had lost so much at such a young age and is ostracized at their school. He only has Chan and Changbin, while Minho has parents, however distant they are, and Jeongin, along with friends and a positive reputation at school. 

“I’m so sorry, I never meant to leave you alone.”

A sniffle startles him and he shuffles around, eyes widening at seeing Jisung’s eyes brimming with tears. “Ji?” He cradles Jisung’s face, worry tingling in his veins. 

“Letting you in was one of the biggest chances I’ve ever taken,” Jisung explains, “I don’t - I can’t trust people and I trusted you so easily. I’ve loved you for so long now that it built up in my mind; What if he leaves me? Will I be all alone again?” Minho wipes away a tear that slips down the crest of his cheek. “And then we split, and I didn’t know what was worse. You not being in love with me and leaving me because of that, or what happened; you leaving because of other circumstances, making me have to keep going while knowing you still cared for me but were keeping yourself away. I - I’ve been hurt a lot, and I think that that hurt the most. That even though it was hard you wouldn’t fight for me.”

Jisung stares at his hands, “I can’t pretend to know what it’s like for you, having to hide. I know it’s so hard, but I couldn’t help but wonder if I had ever been good enough for you. I can’t give you more than cheap pork belly, an old liquor store, and some photos,” Jisung says, finally looking up to tuck a strand of Minho’s hair behind his ear. “But I hope you understand that I’m giving you everything I have to give. I wish I could give you so much more.”

Minho takes his hand, holding it between both of his. “Don’t start wishing you’re something different,” Minho says, “because I fell in love with you, not anyone else. Jisung, how could I want anything more when I have you?” Tears pool in his eyes. “I have your heart, that’s all I could ever want. I’m so sorry for giving up, I’m so sorry for making you feel like you aren’t enough. I’m sorry for making you feel alone. If I could I would go back and change everything, but all I can do is promise my love to you and promise that I’ll be braver.” Minho dries Jisung’s cheeks. “I won’t leave you behind, not as long as you don’t leave me.”

“I love you,” Jisung whispers, and Minho leans in to kiss him. 

“I love you too. So much.” 

“Please don’t leave me.” 

“I won’t.” 

~

Minho’s worried. 

He’s beyond happy that he has Jisung again, but there’s a kind of tension still deep underneath the newly-announced love. There are things they need to talk about, delicate and terrifying things, before the feeling of unease will disappear. Minho doesn’t know how to start the conversation - he’s scared to mention anything that might alter the path of their relationship. So it’s a relief and a scare when Jisung does. 

“I think there’s some things that we have to talk through,” Jisung says, leaning against the armrest of the couch and turning to face Minho, in the process pulling his knees to his chest. 

Minho curls up on the other end of the small couch, their feet touching. “I know. I just...didn’t know how to start it.” 

Jisung laughs softly, reaching out and touching Minho’s chin to make him look up and meet his eyes. “Don’t be afraid.” 

Minho sighs, taking Jisung’s hand and linking their fingers. “I have a lot to be afraid of.” He tries to pass it off as a joke but both of them can see right through it. 

“Talk to me, Min. You aren’t alone in this.” 

Minho opens his mouth but nothing comes out, all of his emotions and thoughts beginning to manifest. A wave of guilt hits him - guilt of breaking up, guilt of lying to Jeongin - lying to everyone. He feels grief too; he’s scared of this relationship. 

“Minho?” 

Minho slides off the couch, pulling his knees to his chest and covering his eyes when he hits the floor. Even as he tries to control himself, tears bead on his waterlines and slip down his cheeks. 

Rough, callused fingers slide around Minho’s thin wrists, applying gentle pressure but not pulling Minho’s hands away from hiding his face. Minho sighs shakily and lets Jisung pull his hands down. 

“I feel horrible about all of this; I hate lying,” Minho whispers, unable to look into Jisung’s eyes, the boy having moved to sit in front of him. He focuses on the fabric of Jisung’s shirt, the black material that is beginning to look a bit threadbare around the hem. “I’m scared of everything, most of all I’m scared of losing you.” He looks up at Jisung, eyes meeting his. Jisung appears calm but there’s a hint of anxiety in his expression. 

“Are you scared of being with me?”

Jisung’s question catches Minho off-guard, but at the same time he expected it. “Yes,” Minho says, tears filling his eyes again. 

“Hey, look at me,” Jisung murmurs when Minho begins to cry, feeling pitiful and tiny. He tentatively meets Jisung’s gaze, shivering when he cradles Minho’s cheek, intense care in the way he looks at Minho. “I’m scared too. I didn’t expect us to come this far, but now that we are here I want to continue to be with you, like we promised. It’s different now; the stakes are higher. I know it’s scary, but I need to know, are you in this?” 

“Yes,” Minho whispers, drying his tears with the backs of his hands. “I just need this to be something we talk about, I don’t want to try and push away all this fear and struggle like we did before.” 

Jisung nods. “I agree.” 

Minho smiles at him and although it’s watery it’s stable. “Okay. Okay.” 

~

“Hey.” 

“Hi, hyung!” Felix runs up to Minho and links their arms, dragging him over to where Seungmin and Hyunjin are standing, near the doors to the cinema. “I’m happy you made it!” 

Minho smiles at his enthusiasm. “Thank you guys for inviting me.” 

“No problem.” Hyunjin gravitates towards Minho while Felix slips away to fall into conversation with Seungmin. “How are you doing?” 

“I’m okay,” Minho says, smiling at Hyunjin. “Let me go pay for a ticket, I’ll be right back.” 

Hyunjin grabs his wrist before he can move. “I paid for you already, hyung.” 

Minho stares at the ticket Hyunjin offers him. “Oh, thank you, Jin.” He takes the paper, smiling up at Hyunjin once more. 

“Jin didn’t pay for us,” Felix sighs, brushing shoulders with Minho as the four turn to enter the cinema. “Favoritism.” 

Minho peeks over at Hyunjin, whose ears are tinged red. How deeply does Hyunjin care for him? 

Minho is snapped out of his thoughts when he feels Hyunjin’s hand brush against his. He startles, nearly dropping his ticket as he creates space between them, discomfort writhing in his stomach. 

“I’m going to go to the restroom before the movie starts,” Minho tells the boys when they’re in the lobby, lining up at the concession stand. When he finds a bathroom it’s empty, to his relief. He goes to the mirror and looks at his reflection, trying to force his heart to stop pounding from beating erratically - his whole body unsettled. He hasn’t felt this uncomfortable in a long time. Closing his eyes, he falls into a memory.

_“...I put up with watching girls and guys hand you confessions at school. I finally get to have you to myself and there’s someone after you! Do you know how hard that is to see?”_

_“I have to see Hwang Hyunjin all over you at school but hey, I try not to say anything. Because I know that he’s your friend, even if he obviously feels differently. I try my best to always make you happy, Minho.”_

“Minho-hyung?” 

Minho spins to face Seungmin who is at the next sink over, looking at him with interest - like he’s reading Minho. “Seungmin, I didn’t see you there.” 

Seungmin hums, “You were spaced out. You’ve been a bit off lately, is everything okay?” 

Minho nods. Now that he has Jisung back everything is good. “I’m sorry if I’ve worried you.” 

Seungmin grabs some paper towels and dries off his hands. “If I didn’t know you better I would say you went through a breakup.” He chuckles, while Minho struggles to keep his expression calm. “Speaking of, have you considered spending time with Jin? As in a date?” 

Minho’s eyes widen. “I - not really, I’m not really looking for a relationship.” 

Seungmin shrugs, dropping the used paper towels into the garbage can as the pair head to the door. “I think you would be a good couple. And on top of that, when Hyunjin asked your father about the Jeju tickets I went with him, and your father seems to really like Jin. You two are well matched - both socially and financially.” 

Minho bites down on his bottom lip and he stuffs his hands into his jacket pockets to hide their shaking. “Oh.” 

“Anyways, are you excited for the movie?” 

Minho smiles at Seungmin, wanting to be anywhere but in the moment. 

The theater is cold, and the uncomfortable feeling in the pit of Minho’s stomach is only heightened by the temperature. He’s stuck between Hyunjin and Felix, and he leans towards the latter, sharing his popcorn. He can feel Hyunjin’s gaze on him but can’t get himself to interact with the boy. 

“Hyung, are you cold?” Felix whispers, about half way through the movie. Minho nods slightly and Felix smiles, pointing over to Hyunjin. “Ask Jin for his coat. He likes the cold.” 

Minho considers for a long moment, but before he can ask, Hyunjin notices. “Cold?” 

Minho nods, eyes widening when Hyunjin quickly tugs off his jacket and wraps it around Minho. “Thank you.” 

Hyunjin smiles at him, “No problem.” 

Everything is going fine and Minho is beginning to feel a tiny bit better when Hyunjin’s hand lands on top of Minho’s. Minho jolts, shock running through him. He is able to pull away quickly, as Hyunjin had been simply seeing if Minho would let him hold his hand. Minho’s mind becomes a mess, thoughts of adultery and Jisung leaving him flooding his mind instantly. It’s like his consciousness is slipping away, replaced by a mess of ‘What ifs’ and fear. 

Minho barely manages to keep his breathing even, his heart rate picking up with every new thought. He wants Jisung desperately - he wants Jisung’s arms around him, keeping him safe from the world. He wants Jisung to smile at him and tell him that everything will be alright, that he loves Minho. 

Minho blinks back tears and digs his nails into his wrist, forcing himself not to cry. This feels so much like that time when he got off the bus; he’s overwhelmed by the sound of the movie and the temperature. He’s scared by the people he’s surrounded by, but most of all he aches for Jisung.

“Jiji,” he whispers under his breath, his voice muffled by the sound matching the action on screen. 

The remaining half-hour feels way too long. When it is over and everyone is filing out of the theater, Minho can’t bring himself to look at Hyunjin. All he can think about is needing to breathe, to get out and away. He’s scared by the chatter around him, that is amplified to such a degree that he’s starting to feel dizzy. 

“Minho-hyung?” Hyunjin catches Minho’s sleeve just as they step outside and he gently tugs him away from the semi-safety of Felix and Seungmin. 

“Hi,” Minho whispers, finally meeting Hyunjin’s eyes. There’s hurt in them, swirling with a bit of sadness. Minho’s chest feels tight - he likes Hyunjin, he does. But only as a friend. Minho is a people pleaser, he likes to make others happy, so seeing Hyunjin upset, because of him, only adds to his anxiety. 

“I wanted to say I’m sorry, for trying to hold your hand,” Hyunjin tells him, the tips of his ears burning red. “I...I think it’s quite obvious by now, but I really like you, hyung.” 

“Hyunjin, I’m sorry,” Minho murmurs, watching pain streak through Hyunjin’s eyes. 

“I know.” Hyunjin forces a smile. “I just hope that one day maybe you’ll see me in a different light.” 

Minho smiles at him, feeling guilty, but for what he’s not quite sure. “You’re a really good person, you’ll make someone very happy one day.” 

Hyunjin nods, “Whoever you fall for is one lucky bastard.” 

Minho giggles, Hyunjin joining in, and it feels like a sort of compromise has been laid out. The air between them feels a bit tense and Minho’s head is still fuzzy, but he feels like everything has begun to even out. 

~

“Hyunjin confessed.” 

Jisung is quick to turn around from where he’s stocking candies on the shelf closest to the register. Minho is perched on the stool behind it, bent over his math textbook. “What?” 

“Felix, Seungmin, Hyunjin, and I went to the movies Sunday, and while the movie was playing he tried to hold my hand.” 

Minho watches as Jisung’s eyes harden, hands making fists. “And?” 

“After the movie he pulled me aside and apologized. He said that he really likes me and understood that I don’t like him.” 

Jisung nods stiffly, expressionless, and turns back to the shelf. Concerned, Minho sets down his pencil and slides off the stool, walking up to Jisung. “I want to be honest about everything, that’s why I told you. I just...are you mad at me?” 

Jisung swivels around, staring Minho down. “Of course I’m not mad at you.” 

Minho decides to be a bit of a shit and widens his eyes, pouting a little. “You sound like you’re mad at me.” 

Minho knows Jisung can see through his act, they know each other backwards and forwards by now, Jisung always knows when Minho is trying to get something from him. “What are you playing at, pretty boy?” 

“Nothing.” Minho steps away but gasps when Jisung grabs him and presses him up against the counter, standing so close that Minho can see every slight mark on Jisung’s skin. 

“How much of this was being truthful and how much was wanting to make me jealous?” 

Minho looks down to hide his blush. “I was just being truthful, Ji.” 

Jisung tips Minho’s chin up, raising his eyebrow when Minho meets his eyes. “Mhm.”

“Kiss?”

Jisung smirks, trailing his thumb over Minho’s bottom lip. “You’re so pretty.” Minho’s cheeks flush red and Jisung laughs, turning around to begin shelving items again. 

At Jisung’s dismissal Minho lets out an embarrassing whine, tears coming to his eyes. Instantly Jisung is holding him again, whispering apologies. Minho closes his eyes, embarrassment and confusion combatting the desperate need to be close to Jisung. 

“I didn’t mean to upset you, sweetheart.” Jisung kisses his cheek. “What’s wrong?” 

“I don’t know what happened,” Minho mumbles, hiding his face in the crook of Jisung’s neck. “God, what is wrong with me lately? I have these moments where I feel like I’m going to fall apart completely if I’m not near you.”

Jisung strokes Minho’s hair, rocking them back and forth. Minho slowly relaxes, knowing Jisung won’t let go of him now. “We’ll figure it out.” 

Minho hums, hugging Jisung tightly. “‘m sorry. I’m so clingy.” 

“I like it,” Jisung tells him, rubbing his back. “I love you, Min.” 

“Love you too.” 

~

“Ji, can I ask you something?” 

Jisung nods, “Of course.” They’re sitting on the bed at the liquor store, their respective textbooks and notebooks spread around them as they study. Minho’s learned that Jisung often sleeps here, given it’s closer to school, so most of his books are here. 

“Why haven’t you shown me your home yet?” 

Jisung sets down his pencil while biting down on his bottom lip. “I’m nervous, I guess. Because I have so little. It’s not that I want more for myself - it’s that I’m scared that I won’t have enough to give you.” 

Minho practically tramples their books in his haste to throw his arms around Jisung. “It’s okay to be afraid, but just know that I love you for you. I don’t care where you’re classed, I don’t care if you wear designer or not. I love you because you’re so sweet and intelligent, I love you because you put your heart into everything you do. I love you so much because of everything that made you who you are now. You’ve been hurt before, but it only made you into a stronger person.” 

“You’re amazing, you know that?” 

Minho shakes his head, “Jisung, that’s you.” 

Jisung sighs, pushing away their books to the foot of the bed. He lays Minho down, following soon after. “Tomorrow, then?”

“Only if you’re okay with it.” 

“Then yes.” 

Minho smiles at him, proud. It’s scary for Jisung, he knows, and his heart is beating double-time because of the trust Jisung is putting in him. 

~

It takes two buses to get to Jisung’s stop and after that it’s a twenty minute walk down the private road to get to the entrance of the village. Minho can tell Jisung is nervous - he’s tense as he walks beside Minho, his grip on Minho’s hand nearing too tight. 

“Stop,” Minho says when they’re standing under a gnarly tree, the branches casting faint shadows on the crumbling cement. 

Jisung halts, looking over at Minho in confusion. “Min?”

Minho moves to stand in front of him, keeping a firm grip on his hand. “Ji, don’t be scared,” he says, smiling warmly at him. 

Jisung looks down, embarrassed, but Minho cups his cheek, thumb running over the smooth skin. “I love you, Jisung.”

Jisung lets out a slow breath and moves closer, wrapping his arms around Minho’s neck. “Love you too,” his words are muffled by Minho’s jacket. “Fuck, I’m a mess.”

Minho giggles softly, arms circling Jisung’s small waist as he adopts a teasing tone. “We’re a big mess, yet I care for you still.”

Jisung draws back, a smile playing on his lips. He adjusts Minho’s scarf and then presses a chaste kiss to his lips. “Let’s go, I want to show you my home.”

There’s power behind his voice this time, the anxiety from before still there but lessened greatly. Minho curls into Jisung’s side, Jisung’s arm wrapped around him to keep him close, and they continue on, the faint sunlight casting barely-visible shadows on the ground that guide them forward.

Minho can hear Guryong before he can see it. The sound of people chattering cuts through the crisp winter air, and lures Minho forward. 

He and Jisung reach the top of the slight hill and then Guryong is laid out below them, a town made of rusted metal glinting in the daylight. 

Jisung leads him down the path, their boots sinking the slightest bit into the mud. “When it gets colder it’ll completely freeze,” Jisung tells him, gesturing at the ground. Minho nods, taking Jisung’s hand as he leads him up onto some old planks that cover a particularly muddy patch. As they descend further into the village Minho huddled close behind Jisung, very much aware of the stares he’s receiving from the people who are walking past or are in front of hastily thrown together shelters. As Jisung greets the occasional person Minho looks around, taking in all the details. 

The rows between the homes are far from wide and like the path into the encampment, boards are laid out on the mud. There’s a smell to the place - smoke of fire and a staleness Minho can’t quite place. 

As they walk further Jisung points to the outskirts where he tells Minho the portable toilets are and the showers. Minho nods, in a kind of awe. This is where Jisung lives - this is Jisung’s home. 

Minho’s lived his whole life around penthouses and expense, and seeing this is something entirely new. The homes are made of slabs of wood and rusted metal sheeting, tarps stretching overtop to make roofs. The people here are dressed in practical clothes, and Minho can’t spot any color except some faded red shirts. 

Several kids run past and Minho startles, tripping into Jisung who laughs. “You okay?”

Minho nods, tucking himself into Jisung’s side as they walk, the other boy’s arm wrapping around him to keep him close. It hits him then - they aren’t hiding their relationship. 

Minho smiles, a warmth bubbling up in his chest. Jisung is his, and he’s Jisung’s, and for once he isn’t afraid to let that be shown. 

As they come to a kind of crossroads Minho’s eyes catch on a home set on the corner across from them. There are two kids sitting on two-by-fours in front of the door, playing cat’s cradle. Minho watches the two play, watches how they giggle and whine, in a continuous game of teasing each other. 

“The Kim family,” Jisung says, noting his stare. “The father is a trucker so he’s hardly home. They have four kids, the oldest is eleven and the youngest is five.”

Minho hums, watching a young girl, most likely the youngest, emerge from the home. She goes up to her siblings and watches the game intently - wide eyes taking in whatever she sees. 

“Come with me, there’s someone I want you to meet.” Jisung pulls Minho to the left, leading him towards the end of the row of homes. At the third from the end on the right, he raps on a piece of metal propped against the side of the house as a door. 

Seconds later a woman - not more than ten years older than them - pushes it aside and steps out. “Jisung-ah?” She looks curiously at Minho, making him blush and curl closer into Jisung’s side. “Is this the boy you’ve been telling me about?”

“Yah,” Jisung whines. 

“So I take it you are Minho,” the woman says, smiling at him. “Jisungie-ah speaks about you a lot.”

“Noona,” Jisung complains and both the woman and Minho laugh. 

“I’m Minho,” Minho greets, shaking hands with the woman. 

“I’m Eunbi, Jisungie’s neighbor and practically adopted big sister.” She pats Jisung on the head, laughing when Jisung scrunches up his nose and swats at her hand in protest. 

“You’re cute,” Minho giggles, nudging Jisung with his elbow. 

“I regret letting you two meet,” Jisung whines, “you’re going to team up against me.”

“Since you suggested, I guess we will,” Eunbi teases, winking at Minho. 

“We’re going now,” Jisung says, scrunching his nose at Eunbi. 

“It was nice to meet you, Eunbi-ssi,” Minho says, bowing to Eunbi. 

“Call me noona,” she says, pushing her black hair out of her eyes, “I look forward to getting to know you better, maybe at a later date when Jisungie isn’t so embarrassed.”

Jisung sticks out his tongue at her as he drags Minho away, who waves at Eunbi, smiling when she waves back. “You didn’t tell me I was going to meet your sister,” Minho says, poking Jisung’s side. 

“I thought maybe it would be better to just surprise you, I know you worry easily and I didn’t want you to be nervous about coming here. I’m already nervous enough for the both of us.”

Minho tugs Jisung into a hug, ignoring that they’re standing in the middle of the path. “Thank you for introducing us.” He presses a kiss to Jisung’s temple as he draws away. “It’s adorable that you talk about me.”

Jisung blushes red and turns, taking Minho’s wrist and pulling him towards a doorway. Minho can’t help but smile, and hurries after him. Just as Jisung’s about to open the door Minho spots the home next to them - the whole front is charred, like it had gone up in flames. 

Jisung, as always, notices and squeezes his hand to get his attention. “There’s fires sometimes, we don’t have proper heating and cooking systems so there’s the occasional accident.”

Minho hums, leaning into Jisung’s side. “Be careful.”

Jisung laughs, pulling Minho towards the door of his house. “Don’t worry, love, you won’t lose me to a fire.”

“I better not.” Minho slips out of his shoes when they step inside and moves out of Jisung’s way so he can follow suit. Minho looks around, taking in every detail of the room. It’s simple, there’s a table pushed up against the wall opposite Minho and a bed roll is folded in the far corner. There’s a stack of clothes and some books, along with a few trinkets set on a small shelf that was nailed to the wall. Above the table is a small window, plastic wrap tacked over the square instead of glass. 

“I’ve been meaning to put a board over that,” Jisung gestures to the window. “With winter here it’s getting too cold.”

Minho nods, gaze drifting to a small camp stove positioned near the table and then to the camping lamp strung up by a chord to the ceiling. 

“I know...I know it’s hardly anything, but it’s my home.” Jisung hugs himself, his expression packed with insecurities. 

Minho steps forward and pulls Jisung into a hug. “Thank you for bringing me here, Ji.”

“I’m scared,” Jisung’s grip tightens on Minho’s waist. “Now you know how I live.”

“Why are you scared?” Minho nuzzles against Jisung’s neck. “You know how I live and you haven’t left me.”

Jisung freezes up. “You...you were scared I would leave you because of your wealth?”

Minho nods, pressing closer to Jisung. “Even without the added fear about society, I was scared that you wouldn’t want to be with me, purely because of the money.”

“But your wealth isn’t who you are, you’re so much more than that.”

Minho pulls away, smiling. “Yes.”

Jisung rolls his eyes, and he’s smiling. “So you love me still.”

Minho kisses Jisung’s nose. “It’s okay to be insecure. Heck, I am all the time. Just know that I’ll be here.”

Jisung pulls him into another hug. “Okay.” 

When Jisung finally lets him go, Minho steps away and looks around again, taking in every crack in the wood parts of the walls and the blue tarp that makes up the floor below his feet. Jisung chuckles and leaves Minho to turn the stove on. 

Minutes later Minho is kneeling at the table, watching as Jisung heats water up for the two instant ramen packages he had produced. “You’re domestic,” Minho says, his chin on his palms with his elbows resting on the table top. 

Jisung laughs, leaning across the table to poke Minho’s cheek. “You’re no better.”

“I never implied that it was bad, in fact, it’s the best.” Minho accepts his cup of ramen and presses it against the side of his face, the warmth of the water seeping into his skin.

“Minho?”

Minho sets his ramen on the table and accepts the chopsticks held out by Jisung. “Yeah?”

Jisung is silent for a minute before shaking his head. “Never mind.”

Minho frowns but shrugs it off. “Alright.”

“So.” They’ve finished eating and the sky is beginning to grow dark. Minho knows he needs to leave but he’s finding it so hard to do. They’re curled up in the blankets, the chill of night already having begun to descend. Minho had wondered how Jisung manages to not freeze at night, especially in the winter, but he had gestured to a small battery-powered heater.

Minho’s drifting on the line of sleep, his eyes shut. He can feel Jisung’s heartbeat against his cheek and it’s lulled him into a daze. “Thank you for showing me this part of you.” 

Jisung’s fingers run through Minho’s hair, his own eyes falling shut. “Are you sure you have to go home?”

Minho yawns, arms tightening around Jisung’s waist. “I checked earlier ‘cause I had that exact thought, but I don’t have service here.”

Jisung hums sadly. “Damn.”

“I think I’m going to tell Jeongin,” Minho says, “so he’ll know if something like this happens, so that I don’t have to leave when it’s so comfortable.”

“Okay.” Jisung rests his chin on the crown of Minho’s head. “I - I’m really happy that you came today.”

“I’m really happy too.” Minho moves around so he can kiss Jisung, his fingers catching in Jisung’s hoodie as they kiss languidly, the moment turned slightly blurry by the sleep tugging at both their minds. 

“You’re making it really hard for me to let you go.”

Minho giggles, “I know.”

Jisung sighs, pulling Minho into another kiss. This time there’s more force when their lips meet, like Jisung is trying to wake him up. 

Whining, Minho presses his forehead against Jisung’s shoulder, clinging to him. “Sweetheart, the buses are going to stop running soon,” Jisung tells him and Minho pouts, finally letting go. “Are you going to be cranky now?”

Minho nods and Jisung laughs, and he leans over to run his fingers up Minho’s sides, forcing him into fits of giggles. 

When Minho does get onto the bus he sits in the far back, this time watching as Jisung gets smaller and smaller. He can’t bring himself to look forward, towards the heart of Seoul. For once in his life, he wonders if his destination is not where he really belongs. 

Could he learn to love a place like Guryong? Where he would have next to nothing? But—

Minho knows he would give up so much to be with Jisung. Could he give up everything to take on a totally new life?

Minho suddenly feels like maybe he could. Jeongin and Jisung - they’re the two things that matter most to him. If Jeongin approves of Jisung could Minho maybe let his life be changed completely?

~

Minho plops down onto his bed after he returns from school, and loosens his tie. He throws the strip of fabric onto his bag which he had dropped near the foot of the bed. 

Glancing at the clock Minho taps his fingers against his knees, anxiety chewing him up inside. Jeongin will be home soon, and Minho has finally decided to tell him the truth. 

_“Talk to me,” Jisung urges, propping himself up on his elbow, his free hand resting against the side of Minho’s face, his fingers tracing delicate patterns over cheek and jaw. They’re in the liquor store, on the bed, Minho laying flat on his back while staring up at Jisung, warmth seeping into his skin from the light outside and the glowing boy above him._

_“I’m nervous,” Minho tells him. “I want Jeongin to know about us but I’m scared that something will go wrong and we’ll be in trouble.”_

_“Nah.” Jisung smiles down at him, and his eyes warm; fond. “You’re scared Jeongin won’t be happy for you.”_

_Minho groans and rolls over, wrapping an arm around Jisung and pulling him down. Minho ends up partially on top of Jisung, a leg slotted between his and his face hidden in Jisung’s neck._

_It scares him sometimes - how Jisung can read him so well. Of course he’s scared of their secret being leaked but he knows Jeongin would never hurt him. Jisung’s right - he’s terrified of Jeongin hating Jisung, hating his relationship._

_“You’re right. I’m scared of the idea of his disapproval, of the possibility that he could hate you and hate me. I’ve never kept anything from him and I’m so frightened.” He molds himself to Jisung, curling as close as he can get._

_“Do you think Jeongin could hate you for being happy?”_

_Minho’s rapid thoughts pause. Could he? That’s all he and Jeongin have ever done for each other - try to make the other happy, happy enough to want to live. With their background they had never had anything easy; until Jeongin came into Minho’s life he hadn’t wanted anything to do with happiness or his beating heart. But Jeongin cured him for the most part - there will always be ups and downs but Jeongin keeps Minho sane and happy. And now he has Jisung too, will Jeongin hate Minho’s only other happiness?_

_Minho can only hope he won’t._

_“Don’t think about it too much,” Jisung whispers, rubbing his back. “Just do whatever feels right and safe.”_

_Minho props himself up so he’s hovering over Jisung, and cups his face. “I love you.”_

_Jisung grins, hands finding Minho’s waist. “I love you too.”_

Minho unbuttons the top buttons of his shirt, letting himself breathe easier. He hears the front door open and fear gnaws at him, his palms turning clammy. 

“Hyung?” Jeongin opens Minho’s door, stepping inside. “You texted me?”

“Yeah,” Minho says, feeling perspiration gather on his forehead. “I need to tell you something.”

“Sure.” Jeongin sits on the bed beside Minho, fixing him with a curious stare. “Hyung, are you alright?”

Minho nods. “I’m just nervous. I - what I want to tell you isn’t bad, at least I don’t think you’ll dislike it,” he jumps at Jeongin’s hand landing on his knee. 

“Hyung, breathe,” Jeongin says, squeezing his knee. “You’re panicking.”

Minho realizes that he is - he’s breathing heavily and his hands are shaking, beads of sweat forming along his hairline. “Sorry.”

Jeongin shakes his head. “Don’t do anything that you aren’t ready for,” he says, giving Minho a small smile. 

“I’m seeing someone,” Minho blurts, not giving himself a chance to back out. Instantly dread floods him, and his nails dig into his palms from how hard he’s clenching his fists. 

Jeongin blinks at him. “I know.”

Minho’s mouth drops open, shock running through him. “What?”

Jeongin rolls his eyes, the corner of his lips quirked up. “You giggle at your phone, you’re always out on the weekends, and you’re much happier than I’ve ever seen you.” Minho’s eyes widen, Jeongin laughing quietly at the sight. “So, who is it?”

Minho fidgets nervously. “About that, you have to promise not to say anything about me seeing someone to anyone. It...it wouldn’t be good if we were found out.”

Jeongin hums. “Of course, hyung. You know I wouldn’t ever betray your wishes.”

Minho tentatively smiles. “Thanks, Innie.” 

“Don’t feel pressured to tell me who, hyung.”

Minho shakes his head - he needs to come clean. “It’s Han Jisung, the junior.” 

Jeongin nods, and he appears to be deep in thought. “Everyone in our school seems to know him somehow - he has quite the reputation.” He glances over at Minho. “If you decided to be with him most of it must not be true; I can’t see you getting involved with the kind of person he’s rumored to be.” 

“He isn’t cruel, he isn’t a player. He’s so sweet and treats me well,” Minho says. “What is true is that he’s poor.”

“That’s why no one can know.” Jeongin nods in understanding. “Father would have a field day if he found out about this.” 

Minho frowns, looking down at his lap. “Yeah. I - I want so badly to have a normal relationship, but being with him like this is much better than not being with him.” Minho fiddles with the hem of his shirt. “I’m sorry for not telling you, Innie. I was just so terrified of something going wrong or you hating me for it that I couldn’t make myself talk.” 

“Hyung,” Jeongin reaches over and takes Minho’s hands, turning to face him. “I could never hate you for loving. I want you to be happy, and if Han Jisung makes you happy I have no intention of getting in the way of that.” He smiles, and Minho reciprocates it. “I wish you had told me sooner, but I’m glad you decided to tell me now.” 

Minho looks down in shame. “I’m sorry, Jeongin.” 

Jeongin clicks his tongue. “Don’t be. But I expect to hear all about him tonight - I request that we eat ice cream and watch movies and gossip about boys.” 

Minho giggles, squeezing Jeongin’s hands. “Okay.”

That evening Jeongin and Minho order pizza and watch old films out in the living room, spread out on the floor. Minho tells Jeongin about Jisung - everything from the first day of school to the breakup, and visiting Guryong Village. Jeongin never once seems bored and enjoys hearing about Minho’s adventures. He’s happy for Minho, and Minho’s heart soars. 

They fall asleep on the floor in heaps of blankets, and Minho’s dreams are sunny and warm, his fears disappearing for the moment. 

~

“Jisung!” Jisung barely has time to brace himself before Minho is jumping onto him, arms thrown around his neck. 

“Hey, Min,” Jisung greets, wrapping his arms around Minho’s waist. They’re in the back aisle of the convenience store, hidden behind the rows of stands. 

“I told him,” Minho says, unable to keep the grin off his face. “I told Jeongin, and he was happy for me.”

Jisung smiles, eyes turning into crescents. “I’m so glad, Min.” 

“He wants to meet you,” Minho continues. “And I would really like you two to get to know each other, you’re both so important to me.” 

“Of course,” Jisung says, kissing Minho’s lips. “I’m proud of you.” 

~

Minho has never been so nervous. He paces back and forth in his room, tugging at the collar of his sweater that seems to suffocate him. In just minutes Jisung and Jeongin will meet and his anxiety is nearly the highest it’s ever been. 

“Hyung, ready?” 

Minho looks over at Jeongin who is standing in his doorway. “Yeah. At least I think so.” 

Jeongin laughs and holds out a hand, which Minho gratefully takes. “Let’s go.” 

They take the bus to Gangbuk district, and Jeongin looks out the windows the whole time, taking in the scenery of outside the center of Seoul for the first time.

Minho can’t help the smile that reaches his eyes when he spots Jisung standing on the street corner in front of the restaurant he had taken Minho to that first day, his hands stuffed into the pockets of his grey jacket and a beanie pulled over his hair. Jeongin notices him too and laughs at Minho’s eager attempts to drag Jeongin over.

“Innie, this is Jisung, Ji, this is Jeongin,” Minho introduces, fidgeting as he looks back and forth between the two boys. 

“Hello,” Jisung greets, shaking Jeongin’s hand and bowing. “It’s good to finally meet you.” 

“Likewise,” Jeongin smiles, “hyung won’t stop talking about you.” 

“Yah,” Minho whines, blushing red. It reminds him of the time he met Eunbi - this time Jisung is meeting Minho’s sibling, and though Jeongin loves Minho, he won’t pass on an opportunity to tease him, if he knows it won’t make Minho truly panic. 

A gust of wind sweeps down the street and all three of them shiver. “Let’s get inside before we freeze to death,” Jisung says, taking Minho’s hand and leading them into the restaurant. 

The restaurant is half-full, the chatter of the other customers providing a shield to their conversation when they sit down. “So you’re a sophomore, right?” Jisung asks, sitting down next to Minho while Jeongin takes the spot on the adjacent end, beside Minho. 

“Yes.” Jeongin clasps his hands together and sets them on the tabletop, looking directly at Jisung. “But before this goes to far, I have a few questions. And maybe a threat or two.” 

“Jeongin,” Minho groans, hiding his face in his hands.

“So, Jisung, before you can earn the title of hyung you have to tell me why exactly you chose to date my brother.”

Minho peeks out from between his fingers to see Jeongin rest his elbows on the table and lean in, giving Jisung his most intimidating stare. Jisung doesn’t look worried, though, his classic crooked smile still playing on his lips. “Not everyone would go to Changbin to ask where I worked and then go to the Gangbuk district, all to apologize for being a jerk.” 

Minho elbows him in the side, making Jisung laugh. “But really, Minho is strong and brave and sweet, he cares about others and doesn’t live off of judgement. Minho has always treated me as an equal and has never doubted my character. I look up to him - he’s someone that deserves more than what he has.”

“More than what he has,” Jeongin narrows his eyes. “You know of our financial status.” 

Jisung nods. “I...I can only think that it’s lonely, being kept within a certain pool of people and places and dreams. Minho doesn’t deserve to be restrained.” Jisung looks at Minho, smiling almost shyly. “I don’t ever want to see you lonely or sad.” 

Jeongin’s cough snaps Minho out of his daze of being caught in Jisung’s eyes. He blushes, turning away to stare down at the napkin in his lap. 

“If you hurt him I swear I will find you and make you wish you were never born.” Jeongin raises a fork threateningly and Minho hides his face in his hands. 

“Yes, sir,” Jisung says, saluting. 

“Okay. What do you recommend for a meal here, Jisung-hyung?”

Jisung glances over at Minho and flashes him a smile, which Minho returns, his chest warm. 

“I won over your brother,” Jisung sing-songs when they’re finished with their meal and are standing on the street. Jeongin has walked on ahead to the bus stop, leaving the two to talk. 

“I know, I saw it all. Including the moment where he threatened you with a fork,” Minho says, embarrassed. “Thank you for meeting him, you don’t know how much this meant to me.” 

“Anything for you.” Jisung kisses the back of Minho’s hand and then reluctantly lets go. “Go on home now, love. I’ll see you soon.” 

Leaving Jisung is always hard, but this time as he stands at the bus stop with Jeongin, waving at Jisung who is on the other side of the street, it doesn’t feel like there’s such a big gap between them. His mind is at ease now that he has Jeongin to confide in, who will help him be able to love.  
~  
Jisung had proposed the idea of a day vacation, saying that they need some time away from the city. Minho had agreed, and now, a few days later, they’re a few hours out of Seoul exploring a park that they had found on a crumpled tourist map. It’s cold - below freezing - and Minho is bundled up in two coats and a scarf and hat, his cheeks glowing red from the chill. Minho finds that Jisung’s eyes have a new light in them that grows brighter with every minute spent away from Seoul and their lives. 

It’s refreshing to see Jisung act his age - he’s carefree, full of laughter and endless smiles. Minho wishes Jisung could always feel so light and free, but their true lives will always manage to catch up. 

“Hey.” Jisung falls into Minho’s arms, snuggling up against him.

Minho giggles, playing with the hair at Jisung’s nape. “Hi.”

“I love you.”

Minho stares into Jisung’s eyes, taking in all of Jisung’s emotions. His happiness, amusement, and love. 

Minho leans in and kisses him, fingers curling into Jisung’s hood while Jisung’s arms tighten around his waist. Jisung kisses him carefully, like Minho is delicate and precious. Minho loves it - he loves how Jisung guides him into the kiss, always making sure that Minho feels good. Jisung treats him like he means everything and Minho realizes that he makes Jisung just as happy as Jisung makes him. Jisung loves him; he loves the klutzy, shy, anxious boy who wants so desperately to be loved. Jisung loves Lee Minho, Lee Minho makes Jisung smile and laugh. 

“Ji?”

“Hm?” Jisung pulls away, his lips a red color that stands out against his skin. He adjusts Minho’s hat, the action so fond. 

Minho smiles, feeling his happiness radiate from him. “I love you too.”

Jisung grins back at him, flicking the pompom on his hat. “Good.”

Minho is about to stick out his tongue as a retort when a white flake drifts between them, landing on Minho’s arm that is loosely holding on to Jisung’s shoulder. Minho looks around, eyes widening. 

Drifting down from the sky are countless snowflakes, growing frequenter with every second. Minho pulls away from Jisung and looks up, in awe at the white drifting in swirls from way above. Laughing, he twirls around, arms stretched out to the side, elation growing inside of him with each delicate snowflake that lands on him. 

Caught up in the falling snow, he doesn’t notice Jisung slipping his camera out of his bag and taking a few shots. 

“Jisung!” Minho finally looks over to Jisung who appears equally happy, a small smile on his lips that reflects all of Minho’s emotions. Minho glances down to the camera in his hands and smiles, for once not conscious of his appearance. 

Jisung tells him a joke, what it is Minho can’t quite even process, but it makes him laugh nonetheless. And that’s now Jisung captures him - bundled in a thick coat, scarf, and hat, surrounded by falling snow, his head thrown back in laughter. 

Minho’s body tingles from the cold when Jisung finally comes over and pulls him into a hug. Buried in Jisung’s arms, Minho is safe and so happy. Jisung loves him for who he is, and Minho can’t stamp down the absolute joy that that brings him. 

“Thank you.”

Jisung runs a hand up Minho’s back, and Minho can hardly feel it through his coat. “For what?”

Minho smiles against Jisung’s shoulder and he closes his eyes. “For loving me.”

“Always.”

Although it’s winter, far away from spring where new life begins to grow, Minho feels something bloom in his chest - something that hurts because it makes him feel _so much._

It’s then, as he’s held tightly by Jisung as the first snow falls around them, that he promises to always stay by Jisung’s side, to fight to keep him safe. And maybe, to see himself as Jisung sees him - so he can love himself too. 

The snow surrounds them, creating a bubble of safety and tucking them away from any pain the outside world might bring. Here, they are just two people who have a bond between them, a bond that is sought for by so many. Here they are just two people who desperately want to see each other happy, two people who love so deeply that it aches. 

Here, Minho is just a human, not the son of a wealthy man, not the boy who has struggled so hard to live his whole life. Here, he’s simply holding another human, someone who is just as valuable as him, someone who loves fiercely. 

Minho’s arms tighten around Jisung, his smile too large to contain. 

He’s happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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	5. fly away home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi~~  
> so, the next two chapters are absolute beasts and the chapter after that will be the last chapter of minsung in the past. getting close to minsung in the current!  
> next chapter wont be /that/ angsty but the two after that are big oofs  
> thank you guys for commenting it makes me so happy,, I'm sorry I'm not consistent with updates, you all dont deserve that :( but I hope you like this one <3
> 
>  **cw:** anxiety, underage drinking, mentions of domestic abuse, mentions of sexual content, non-consensual physical advances, anxiety, panic attacks, mentions of headspaces

_December 2014_

Minho tugs at his suit jacket sleeves, trying to focus on his father’s business associates, but his mind is wandering. He’s stuck in a function that’s dragged on far too long into the night and he wants desperately to get away.

“Hyung?” 

Minho glances over at Jeongin who is sitting to the right of him, looking just as bored as Minho feels. Minho reaches over and straightens Jeongin’s tie, sighing quietly as he surveys the room as he fiddles with the silky fabric. Men dressed in suits and women in evening gowns crowd the place, the crystal chandeliers above reflecting onto the crisp white china set out on the tables. “I’m about ready to go,” he says, voice low so that only Jeongin can hear. 

“Same,” Jeongin murmurs, leaning back in his chair when Minho’s hands pull away. “At least we get to go home early. Or at least I do.” Jeongin winks at Minho who rolls his eyes, a faint blush coming to his cheeks. 

Minho had convinced his parents that he’s going to stay with Chan for the night, and they agreed, as the function will keep them busy until late in the evening and Jeongin and Minho wouldn’t be, as they put it, necessary. Which is perfectly fine with them. 

The plan is fairly simple - Minho will meet up with Jisung, Changbin, and Chan near the building where the function is being held, and Chan will drive them over to the liquor store. Minho’s desperate to see Jisung again, as ever since his parents came back from Japan a few weeks ago he hasn’t been able to stay overnight with him, which is when they’re able to really talk about everything and anything, when they’re both sleepy and cuddling. 

“Minho-ah?” 

Minho startles, glancing up to find a middle-aged woman leaning towards him, a calculated smile on her lips. His mind faintly registers her as someone he’s met before, but he can’t place her. “Hello.” 

“You’ve grown so much since I last saw you in Japan,” she reaches out and pinches his cheek. Minho flinches hard, looking over the woman’s shoulder at Jeongin who looks just as startled as him. He knows that most siblings would make fun of the other in his position, but Jeongin knows how easily he panics. 

Soon he finds himself being pulled up out of his chair and dragged by his wrist towards the front of the room. He glances back towards Jeongin who is trailing after him, appearing worried. “I found our lovely heir,” the woman says when she breaches a ring of well-dressed people, Minho coming to a stop beside him. “It’s surprising, I’ve worked under his father for many years but I seldom see our Minho. Perhaps we have a shy one?” There’s a coo from the others and Minho begins folding in on himself. He only realizes his breathing has quickened when Jeongin appears beside him and rests a hand on his forearm, sending him a small smile. 

“So, Minho-ah, what are your plans for university? I assume you’re applying soon?” A black-haired man raises an eyebrow, one arm folded across his chest and his other hand holding a champagne glass. 

“Um,” Minho tries to take a breath but it’s getting harder and harder. His fingertips are tingling, a sign of an oncoming panic attack. “Yes, I applied to university recently and should be hearing back in the upcoming weeks.” He tries to smile a bit but it’s like his face is turning stiff. 

Jeongin notices and comes to his rescue. “I hope you’re enjoying the evening.” He begins to guide Minho back but they hardly get a foot away before the woman who pulled Minho over speaks. 

“Oh, you must be the adopted son.” There’s a hint of scorn in her voice and Minho sees the flash of sadness in Jeongin’s eyes, before annoyance takes over. 

“Yes, that’s me. And I hate to break up this lovely chat but hyung and I have to go see our parents now.” They both bow and hurry off before anyone can keep them longer. 

“Thank you, Innie,” Minho breathes when they’ve exited the main room and are in a side hallway. Jeongin fusses over him for a minute until Minho rolls his eyes and swats him away.

“It’s almost the planned time for you to go anyhow,” Jeongin says, guiding Minho along to the end of the hallway, where there is a back exit door. “Text them and see if they’re close.” 

Minho nods and takes his phone out of his pocket, unlocking it with shaky fingers.

[Minho] hey Chan, are you guys here yet? 

[Chan] about two minutes out  
[Chan] where should we meet you?

[Minho] on the street running behind the building  
[Minho] I’m on my way

“They’re nearly here,” Minho tells Jeongin, “I’ll leave now.” 

Jeongin nods, patting his shoulder. “Have fun, hyung. Say hi to Jisung-hyung for me.” 

Minho smiles, “I will. Get home safe.” 

After exchanging goodbyes Minho slips out the back door, shivering slightly as the cold hits him, his thin suit jacket not doing much to protect him from the chill. As he walks he runs a hand through his hair, ruffling the strands out of the fix of gel that had been applied. 

Still feeling the effects of his slight panic he loosens his tie and undoes the first button of his shirt, groaning in relief when he doesn’t feel as constricted. When he turns the corner of the street he sees the headlights of a car approaching. He feels a twinge of disappointment when it passes by him but continues on, avoiding the few people out at this hour. 

A minute or so passes and a car pulls up ahead. Minho sees a door open and a figure climb out, and as they come closer Minho realizes that it’s Jisung - jogging towards him with a bright smile on his face. Minho’s own smile shows and he hurries to throw himself into Jisung’s arms when they meet. “Ji.” 

Jisung hugs him close and Minho holds onto him with equal strength, not willing to let him go. “I’ve missed you.” 

Minho smiles at Jisung’s words and pulls away, immediately missing his warmth. “I’ve missed you too.” He slips his hand into Jisung’s as they walk towards the car. 

“Hi, Minho!” 

“Hi,” Minho greets Chan in return when Jisung opens the door to the backseat for him. He scoots over to the other side of the seat so Jisung can get in beside him. “Hi, Changbin.” 

“Hey.” Changbin turns in the passenger seat to nod at him. “How was the ‘function?’ That’s just a fancy way of saying party for the elites, right?” 

Minho giggles, looking down at his hand that is still in Jisung’s custody. “Loud,” Minho replies as Chan pulls out into the street. “I...it wasn’t the best.” Changbin hums in response and lets the topic slide.

As they merge into traffic Changbin takes over the radio, playing a few tracks from his phone. Minho leans into Jisung’s side, an ache in his head from the aggravating noise of the function. “You doing okay?” Jisung asks in a whisper. 

Minho nods, “It was just crowded and noisy, and a lot of people I didn’t know. So all the things I hate.” 

“I’m sorry, love.” Jisung rests his cheek against Minho’s head and Minho closes his eyes, feeling comfortable for the first time that evening. 

When they arrive at the liquor store Chan finds a parking spot against the curb and then they all climb out, Jisung holding Minho’s hand as they trail after the others through the gate and into the patio area. “Drinks are here,” Changbin says, setting down a paper bag on the table in the corner, and Minho watches as he pulls out several beer cans. 

Chan had been the one to suggest drinking a few days back. Minho, Changbin, and Jisung had all agreed after deciding to do it in the privacy of the liquor store. The second condition to the plan is that they’ll all spend the night there, so that no mishaps occur. 

“I think I’m ready to give up on the whole class president thing,” Chan says as they sit down on the ground in a circle. Jisung hands Minho a beer and then takes one for himself, cracking the lid open with a pop. 

“What’s wrong?” Minho asks, opening his own beer and taking a sip. He winces at the strong taste, since the alcohol he’s used to is wine. 

“I’m just tired of sucking up to teachers and being nice to students I don’t like,” Chan says and Changbin snorts, his beer already half gone. 

“A lot of people respect you, though,” Jisung points out as one of his arms circles Minho’s waist, his palm ending up flat against his hip. 

“Yeah, I suppose they do. But sometimes I wish I could tell people to shut the fuck up without it coming off as uncouth.” 

Changbin chuckles, “I think you’d want it to come off as unrefined.” 

As the evening wears on, Chan and Minho grow increasingly intoxicated, while Changbin’s tolerance and Jisung’s lack of drinking much at all keeps them more lucid. 

Minho doesn’t know what he’s laughing at anymore, but he’s pressed up against Jisung while giggling at something Chan must’ve said. It’s nice being around these boys who are genuine with each other, and Minho feels completely relaxed, his laughs dying down so that he can feel the vibrations coming from Jisung’s chest when he talks. 

“You know, I first met Sung when he was passed out on the floor in front of the water fountains on the second level.” Jisung rolls his eyes but doesn’t stop Chan’s story. “He was a puny thing back then. Poor little guy. I think if it wasn’t for me and my muscles he would have been trampled right then and there.” 

Changbin snorts, “Always looking for a chance to bring up the fact that you enjoy the gym.” 

“I was scared shitless when I woke up in the nurse’s office,” Jisung says when Minho’s resulting giggles subside. “And maybe even more freaked out when you said you wanted to help me.” 

Chan looks sad for a moment, but then his expression turns stern, though there’s a soft edge to the look, from his love for Jisung or the alcohol Minho isn’t quite sure. “I’ll always be here for you, Sungie-ah. You’re not alone anymore.” 

“It’s true,” Changbin chimes in. “You have Chan and I. And now pretty boy, too.” He gestures at Minho who curls further into Jisung’s side, embarrassed at being pointed out. 

“He is pretty, isn’t he,” Jisung agrees, and underneath his teasing tone there’s an element of truth. Minho blushes and pinches his side in retaliation. “I can’t thank you for what you’ve done for me,” Jisung says, his voice dropping as he addresses his two friends. “You saved my life.” 

The three exchange a few more words but Minho is far away, mulling over what Jisung had said. His thoughts are a bit mismatched from the two cans in front of him, but he remembers even in his haze that Jisung lost his parents and that Chan helped him a lot, and he also knows there’s more to the trio’s story than what he has been told. 

“Hey.” Jisung tilts Minho’s chin up, smiling down at him. “I didn’t forget about you, sweetheart.” 

“Hm?” Minho nuzzles into Jisung’s palm. 

“I think we’ve helped each other quite a bit,” Jisung says, smiling at Minho’s action. 

“I think I love you,” Minho says in return, feeling a bit bleary. His emotions feel like they’re taking over his chest, his worries drowned out by affection and care and endless love for this boy. 

Jisung laughs and then presses a careful kiss to Minho’s forehead. “I love you too.” 

“And that’s all I can handle,” Changbin says, his voice cutting through the moment and causing Minho to jump. “You two are repulsive.” Chan helps him put all the cans back into the bag, missing a few times which results in Changbin’s annoyed expression, but there’s a fond edge to the look. “I call the couch.” 

“I want the couch,” Chan complains and Jisung chuckles at their display while keeping Minho close to his chest.

“What about the bed?” Minho whispers to Jisung as they watch the two climb the stairs up to the second story. “Why aren’t they fighting over it?” 

“I already claimed it earlier in the car on the way to pick you up,” Jisung says. “Said there would be large amounts of public affection if they didn’t agree.” 

Minho giggles, “You’re terrible.” 

“I know,” Jisung says and then scoops Minho into his arms and stands up, ignoring his whines and protests. 

Minho’s arms wind around Jisung’s neck as he carries him up the stairs and barely manages to turn the handle. “I’ll kill you if you drop me. Or worse I’ll break up with you.” 

Jisung laughs as he kicks the door shut with his foot. “Yeah?” Minho nods, all seriousness. Jisung just grins and walks over to the bed to unceremoniously drop him onto the mattress. 

“Yah!” Minho groans when he gets his bearings, glaring at Jisung who gives him a cheshire grin and then goes to help Chan and Changbin set up their makeshift beds. Minho pouts, feeling the urge to follow Jisung and cling to him, as the alcohol is still making him want to be close to Jisung. Instead he gets up to take off his shoes and crosses to the door to put them down. He makes his way past the boys to the closet where Jisung keeps extra clothes and finds a spare shirt and sweatpants. 

“You better go into the bathroom to change and not pull that stunt from the other day,” Jisung murmurs into his ear as he comes up behind him and hugs him from the back. 

Minho flushes, bringing his fist down on Jisung’s forearm while still gripping the clothes in his other. “I’m not going to try and seduce them, let me go, Jiji.” 

Jisung reluctantly lets him go and Minho scampers off to the bathroom and slams the door shut, his face and neck beet red from the wolf whistles he hears from Chan and Changbin on the other side of the door. 

After a lot of complaining and several laughs from all four boys, Changbin ends up on the couch with Chan on the floor beside him. “Hey,” Jisung whispers when Minho finally slips into bed. They lay on their sides facing each other, and the faint light from outside allows Minho to see the outline of Jisung’s face. “How are you feeling?” 

“In the present moment or in general?” 

“I’ll listen to anything you want to tell me,” Jisung says, taking Minho’s hands. “Hm?” 

“Right now I feel really good. And I think it’s because of them.” Minho glances towards the two other boys who seem to have drifted off to sleep. “They’re my friends, right?” 

Jisung smiles, nodding. “Yeah, they are.” 

Minho grins, “I’m glad.” 

They descend into a comfortable silence, and Minho listens to the noise of the occasional car passing, and the faint snores coming from the other side of the room. Jisung plays with his fingers, eyes half closed. 

“Today I was shown off,” Minho whispers when he’s able to form the words he wants to say. “Not just as a son, but as an heir. Being the heir to my father’s company makes me feel,” he can’t finish his thought. 

“Trapped?” Jisung’s eyes are on him now, the small amount of light shining in the darkness of his irises. When Minho nods Jisung wraps an arm around his waist and pulls him close, letting Minho rest his head against his chest. 

Minho wishes he will hear “Don’t worry about it,” or “Everything will be alright,” but all Jisung says is “I love you,” because it’s all he can say. 

“I love you too,” Minho whispers, sneaking an arm over Jisung’s waist. 

Minho can’t fall asleep; his mind full of worries. Jisung dozes off at some point, his hand pressed against Minho’s hair - he had been playing with it as he fell asleep. Minho doesn’t move; he just lays against Jisung’s chest, feeling him breathe evenly. It’s calming to have another presence with him, and it being Jisung makes him feel much safer than he’s felt in a long time. Even Jeongin can’t bring him this feeling of security. Maybe it’s just that he’s away from the fast speed of his normal life, but Minho knows that it’s something to do with this particular boy.

At some point Minho’s arm begins to go numb so he crawls out of Jisung’s embrace and slides off the bed, tiptoeing over to the door and searching for his jacket. When he finds it he sneaks out the door and sits on one of the top stairs and leans against the side of the building.

He stares out at the brick wall of the building on the other side of the store and falls into a daze. The alcohol is wearing off and he’s beginning to overthink again. He can tell because his mind runs in loops around the new friendships with Changbin and Chan, and the Jeju trip that is approaching too quickly. 

“Minho?” 

Minho turns around to see Changbin stepping out of the apartment, an eyebrow raised as he looks down at Minho. “Hey.” 

Changbin sits down beside him and pulls a box of cigarettes and a lighter out of his coat pocket. Minho watches as he lights one and then raises it to his lips to take a long drag. 

“I started when I was thirteen,” Changbin says, breaking the silence. “I guess it was my way of coping. Still is.” 

Minho smiles slightly, his gaze dropping to his hands. “About that time at your house. I was really forward and was rude when I stormed out. I know how...I know what it’s like to want to keep things under wraps, especially when people you don’t know well are involved.” 

Changbin hums as he tilts his head back to look up at the darkened sky. “I wasn’t particularly nice either. I’m sorry for that.” 

“Then let’s forgive and move past that day.” Changbin nods in agreement. 

“I’ve never met anyone else who goes through it,” Changbin says after a minute, glancing over at Minho. “It’s horrible to say, but in a way I’m glad I’m not alone.” Minho nods in understanding. “Chan and Jisung, they know, but they don’t know what it’s like.” 

“You and Jisung are the only people who know,” Minho whispers after a moment. “I can’t bring myself to tell Jeongin and Father pays off any staff that witness it so that it isn’t leaked.” 

Changbin stares at the orange glow of his cigarette. “Did you tell Jisung more about it? Even if he and Chan can’t quite understand, I guess it feels a little bit better to have companionship.” 

“No.” Minho sighs, fiddling with the sleeves of his jacket. “It’s stupid of me because I know it’s not even a possibility, but I’m scared that he’ll think of me differently. For a while I was scared that he would finally see how weak I am. I suppose deep down I’m still scared of that.” 

“You’re not weak just because someone can physically overpower you and get in your head.” Changbin tosses the cigarette onto a lower step and grinds it with his shoe heel, and then lights up another. 

“I guess so.” Minho pulls his hands inside his sleeves as the cold finally begins to get to him. “Now I’m more scared of his anger. Not towards me, but towards my father. I’m not trying to be stuck up about our relationship or show off, but I know that he’s protective of me.”

Changbin snorts, “You aren’t showing off when it’s the truth. Jisung’s head over heels for you.” Minho smiles faintly, suddenly wanting to be held by Jisung again. “I think it’s a valid worry. I mean, you’re in a rough spot where you guys can’t do anything outside of hiding, and with the way Jisung acts towards you he’d probably want to confront your father. Or at least get the cops involved.” Minho sighs, that can’t happen. “Minho, he’s going to be pissed. He hates that I get hit and yeah, I’ve known him longer, but in your case it’ll be worse. You’re you, and he’d do just about anything to keep you safe.”

Minho rests his head in his hands. “All of this, am I doing the right thing? Is getting him involved emotionally with all of this worth it?” He looks over at Changbin, feeling completely lost. 

“I get that it’s hard, but Jisung doesn’t deserve back and forth.” Changbin glances at Minho and then away. “Deal with your shit together and who knows, maybe something bad will happen in the future, but maybe something good will too.” Minho nods, feeling guilty again. “For someone who seems so standoffish, Jisung wants to love so badly. If shit hadn’t gone down, he would have a good, happy family. He had to learn how not to trust.” Changbin stamps out his second cigarette, but doesn’t light a third. “Chan was happy when he fell for you so completely, so he wouldn’t be alone, but at the beginning before I knew you better I didn’t like it. I only helped you that day because I realized you had some fight in you. But even after...Jisung loved you so fast. I was scared he would get screwed over and hurt. For the most part I’m Jisung’s brother; of course I don’t want to see him hurt. You hurt him when you broke up, and you two are in even deeper now. I don’t think Jisung could hurt you, he’s in this. He’s willing to put up this fight to be with you, so think before you act.” 

Minho nods, letting the words wash over him. He does need to stop worrying about whether or not he should stay with Jisung. Jisung has agreed to everything. Jisung loves him. “Okay.”

Minho finds that he likes Changbin’s company - although he doesn’t talk much he has a calm presence. He’s blunt when he does speak but he makes Minho face his fears, something that he’s needed to do for a long time. Though Minho confides heavily in Jisung, a lot of his worries revolve around him and sometimes he has to look for someone else to talk to. Even Jeongin is somewhat hard to talk to about certain things, things that Minho has kept close to his chest for so long. 

He understands Changbin’s words - it’s good to know someone who struggles with the same thing. Looking for help in others is always good, but finding a kinship of sorts is something else entirely. Changbin hasn’t pressed Minho about specifics, which is something else he’s grateful for. 

“Hey, what are you two doing out here?” 

Both Changbin and Minho turn to look up at Jisung who has just stepped out onto the landing behind them. “Couldn’t sleep,” Minho says, resting his head on Jisung’s thigh when he sits on the step directly behind him. 

“Same,” Changbin says, and he stands up and stretches. “I’ll leave you two be, I saw enough of your shit earlier when we were drinking. Disgusting.” 

Minho blushes as Jisung punches Changbin’s calf in retaliation. The three exchange goodnights and then Changbin disappears into the building. 

“What woke you up?” Minho asks as Jisung moves onto the same step as him so that he can wrap an arm around Minho and draw him flush against his side. 

“Chan’s snores,” Jisung says and Minho giggles. “And we’ve spent so much time together recently that it feels wrong not having you by my side.” 

“Sometimes I feel like I have to go hug Innie to be able to sleep,” Minho tells him, “and I hate waking up without you. Even if I don’t particularly like having to walk down the street to the toilet when I first get up.” 

Jisung laughs, “Unfortunately I’m used to it. Both here and at my house.” 

“Speaking of indoor plumbing, since my parents haven’t been home lately I want to show you where I live.” Minho plays with Jisung’s sleeve, embarrassed. “You showed me your home so it’s my turn.” 

Minho doesn’t feel bad after asking, like he would be putting Jisung into an uncomfortable situation. Because he went to Guryong - the complete opposite of his world. And he’s come to realize that’s what his world is to Jisung - simply the opposite, just with a few more hurdles. 

“I would love to see your home,” Jisung tells him, and Minho smiles. “As long as you can sneak me in undetected.” 

“Okay.” Minho cups Jisung’s cheek, taking a moment to look at him. The faint light reflecting from the street lamps just barely touches Jisung’s features, but Minho can make out the slope of his nose and the curve of his smile, and the way the shape of his eyes turn into crescents in embarrassment when he notices Minho’s blatant stare. “And you call me pretty boy.”

Jisung’s blushing now, Minho knows, because he feels the heat from his cheek against his palm. It amazes him that he can make Jisung shy - because it’s all Jisung ever seems to do to him. 

“Minho?” Jisung sounds a little breathless, and he’s leaning into Minho’s touch like he’s scared of being let go. 

“Hm?” Minho smiles at him, his thumb running over the softness of Jisung’s cheek. 

“I’m going to miss you when you leave for Jeju.” 

Minho leans in and brushes his lips over the spot where his thumb had been. “I’m going to miss you too.” 

~

The next weekend is the dreaded vacation to Jeju. Minho had to listen to his friends at school gush when all he wanted for the break was to spend lots of time with Jisung and Jeongin. He feels bad - Hyunjin was so generous with his gift, but Minho can’t bring himself to fully appreciate it. Friday night, after the last day of school before the break, Minho goes to the liquor store with Jisung to spend the night, one last time before the flight the next day. 

“So,” Minho says when they’ve set down their school bags. He paces to the window, unable to look Jisung in the eye. “Tomorrow is the start of the trip.” 

“Yeah.” Jisung sits on the armrest of the couch and watches Minho from his perch. “You don’t have to be nervous to talk to me about it, Min.” 

“I had no part in the planning of this,” Minho says when he’s brave enough to turn around and face Jisung. “Hyunjin went behind my back to my parents to clear it with them. I couldn’t stop him, and it’s not because of the feud between you two - I just don’t want to go. I want to stay with you.” He’s nearly in tears at the end of his jumble of words and hides his face in his hands, embarrassed. 

“Minho, come here.” Minho hurries to Jisung who meets him half way, wrapping him up in his arms. “Sweetheart, I would never blame you for this. And I think you should be at least a little excited - you’re going to Jeju! With your friends and brother. It’ll be fun.” 

Minho looks at Jisung in awe. He should have expected this response - after all this is Jisung, Jisung who wants to see him happy. “I guess so.” 

“Yes, the fact that Hwang Hyunjin gets a full week with you isn’t sitting super well with me, but at least I can call you from Binnie and Channie’s phones.”

“Every day,” Minho says, holding out his pinkie. “Promise to call every day. I’ll say it’s from my parents.” 

Jisung laughs and finishes the pinkie swear. “Take lots of photos to show me.” 

Minho nods, “I will. They won’t be as good as yours, though.” 

Jisung tightens the hug. “Don’t forget to have fun.”

Minho nods against Jisung’s shoulder, his fingers linking together at the small of Jisung’s back. “This will be the longest we’ve been apart.” 

It’s true - aside from their breakup they have seen each other nearly every day, at school or after hours or on the weekends. Minho’s parents have been staying in their house in Japan for international business deals, and Jeongin always pushes Minho to spend time with Jisung because he knows how happy he makes Minho. 

“I’m going to miss you.” Jisung presses a kiss to the base of Minho’s neck which makes him shiver. 

“Gonna miss you too.” Minho threads his fingers through Jisung’s hair and pulls him into a kiss. It’s in no way perfect, evident in the path Minho’s hands take to hold onto Jisung’s hoodie like they’ll be pulled apart at any second. Jisung doesn’t seem to have much more finesse in mind as he holds Minho’s waist firmly and backs him towards the bed. 

Minho grips Jisung’s shoulders when the backs of his knees hit the mattress and he falls backwards onto the blankets. Jisung follows not moments after and settles into a position hovering above Minho, and he’s quick to kiss him again. There’s no intention of delicacy here and Minho meets Jisung’s kisses as they turn messier, and then his hands are quivering with nervousness and anticipation when the kisses become deep. They’ve kissed like this before, but this time Minho understands the intentions behind this intimacy. He aches for it to become more when one of Jisung’s hands slides under his uniform shirt to brush up his side, the faint touch making Minho shiver and whine against Jisung’s lips. 

“We shouldn’t, not now,” Minho whispers when Jisung is kissing down his neck and across his shoulder, and Jisung nods, his hand moving back to Minho’s waist. It isn’t the right time - they shouldn’t have any firsts right before they’re separated and while they’re unprepared. 

“After I get back?” Minho watches Jisung carefully, noticing how his eyes widen and his grip on Minho’s waist tightens the slightest bit. 

“Okay.” A faint blush settles onto Jisung’s cheeks and Minho feels heat in his own. 

“Are you ready to be with me?” Minho pushes Jisung up and sits up on the bed. For them having sex will be a big step in their relationship. It may be easy for other couples but Minho wants to make sure both he and Jisung are ready. 

Jisung takes his hands and plays with his fingers, his gaze directed down. “I’m nervous and I have a strong suspicion that I’ll be awfully awkward, but yeah. I am. Are you ready?” 

“I am,” Minho says and squeezes Jisung’s hands reassuringly. “I’m nervous too. And I know it doesn’t help much to say, but it’s just me. You know me well.” 

“I know about all of this from health classes but I just,” Jisung is blushing heavily and is also avoiding Minho’s eyes. “There are emotions now, it isn’t just something we were taught about. I feel so much towards you, and I value our connection with each other. I guess I’m rambling, but I’m glad we waited; I wanted us to know each other, how we tick, before physical intimacy.”

“Me too,” Minho agrees, and moves around so that he can curl up in Jisung’s lap, soaking up as much affection as he can before they’re separated. 

“You’re like a cat,” Jisung says with a laugh as he adjusts slightly so he can lean against the headboard. 

Minho whines at the comparison but doesn’t move, hiding his dopey smile against Jisung’s shoulder. 

~

The morning after saying goodbye to Jisung, Minho and his friends leave for Jeju. The airport is loud and busy and Minho sticks to Jeongin’s side, unwilling to venture any further into the crowds without his safety net. 

“This is so exciting!” Felix cheers when they finally make it to their gate. Hyunjin laughs at his excitement and both Jeongin and Minho smile. 

Soon Seungmin returns with water bottles for all of them, just in time for boarding. The five boys line up ahead of the other passengers, and after their passes are checked they’re escorted on, to the first class cabin. 

The model of plane has rows of three seats on one side and rows of two on the other, and Minho finds himself in one of the window seats with Hyunjin next to him. Seungmin has the window on the other row, with Felix in the middle and then Jeongin. Minho smiles as he watches Jeongin talk with the two boys, happy that they’re getting along. 

Jeju is dusted in white, the snow glimmering with the shine of the sun. “It’s beautiful,” Hyunjin murmurs when they’re outside their hotel, looking around at the street. 

“It is,” Minho replies, quickly taking out his phone and snapping a picture, one he’s sure to show Jisung when he gets home. 

After gawking at the view the boys trapse inside and get their keycards. Much to Minho’s relief they decide to take a few hours to themselves before going to dinner - something he desperately needs. Between flying and the crowds at the airport Minho is overwhelmed and exhausted. 

“C’mon.” Jeongin grabs onto Minho’s sleeve when they reach their floor and tugs him towards their room number, sensing that Minho’s social abilities are low. Minho squeezes Jeongin’s hand, thankful that he’s with him.

Their room is massive, with plush beds and a cozy sitting area. Jeongin is quick to pick one of the beds and throws himself down on it, pulling his phone out in the process. Minho laughs at him but feels like doing the same; instead he sets his bags down next to the bureau and gets to unpacking. 

When Minho has finished putting away all his things, he sits down on his bed and takes out his phone, considering. 

“Just call him,” Jeongin calls from his own bed, and makes a show of putting on his headphones. 

Minho smiles at his brother and then pulls his knees to his chest. 

[Group (3)] 

[Lee Minho] is Jisung around?

[Bang Chan] I think he’s with Bin  
[Bang Chan] Otherwise he might be at work

[Seo Changbin] he gets off work in a few  
[Seo Changbin] he’s coming over after  
[Seo Changbin] I’ll have him call when he gets here

[Lee Minho] Thank you :) 

Minho shuts off his phone and sets it on the bedspread, while curling up into a ball. He hates waiting, because it lets his insecurities bubble up and causes him to overthink. Mostly he’s sad, sad that he can’t be there during Jisung’s shift, to bug him or just talk to him when they sit behind the counter together. He misses Jisung badly already. 

What must be twenty minutes later, Minho’s phone vibrates against the spread. He’s quick to pick it up and answer the call, all the while feeling a little breathless from nervousness. “Hello?” 

“Min?” At Jisung’s voice, even though it’s a bit choppy, Minho melts. “Have you settled in?” 

“Mhm, I’ve unpacked and we’re taking a little break before we head out to dinner,” Minho tells him. 

“Ah, are you enjoying it so far?” 

“It’s okay, the airport was really loud and nerve wracking but Jeongin stayed close to me the whole time,” Minho recaps. 

“That’s good, are you feeling better now that you’re past that?” 

“Yeah,” Minho murmurs, “now I’m in the hotel room, I’m sharing it with Jeongin.” 

“Good.” 

Minho hears a voice that sounds like Changbin in the background and smiles. “Spend time with Chan and Changbin so you don’t get lonely.” 

Jisung laughs a bit, “I will.” Minho feels a yawn coming on and tries to stifle it, but Jisung manages to hear it anyhow. “Take a nap, sweetheart, so you’ll have energy for dinner.” 

“I will, I just don’t want to lose time with you,” Minho mumbles while pulling a pillow against his chest to cuddle. 

“How about you call me later tonight,” Jisung barters. “I’ll wish you goodnight.” 

“Promise?” Minho’s eyes are drooping. 

“I promise.” Jisung’s voice is soft and full of affection. “I love you, Min.” 

“Love you too.”

Dinner is nice - like Minho had expected Hyunjin takes them to a classy restaurant, all fancy china and fancy waiters and fancy food. As Minho looks over his menu he can’t help but wonder what it would be like to be here with Jisung. They’d probably be staying in a hostel, and would eat at small places in town, the ones that are five star but hidden in the depths of the lower class society. Minho’s grown to adore those restaurants. 

He and Jisung would probably share a booth and sit on the same side, and Jisung would tease Minho as they looked over a shared menu. While they waited for their food they would tell each other stories and play with each other’s hands, all the while completely at ease. Later, they would share their food, and feed each other in that disgustingly couple-y way that Jisung pretends to hate but absolutely loves. 

After they finished eating they would walk around, sightseeing at dusk in the snow, to have the most privacy. Minho would probably initiate a snowball fight that Jisung would be bound to win, and they would be laughing so hard that they’d be left crying. 

“Hyung?” 

Minho looks up to find that all the boys and the waiter are looking at him, waiting for his order. He quickly orders the first item off the menu, his heart beating fast and his cheeks turning red from the embarrassing attention. 

“Caught up in thought?” Seungmin asks, a teasing lilt to his voice. 

Minho fiddles with his cloth napkin, embarrassed. “Let him be,” Hyunjin defends, and Minho breathes a sigh of relief. “But are you okay?” Hyunjin asks him privately, turning a bit to fully face Minho in his chair right next to him. “You look a little sad.” 

“I’m fine,” Minho says with a smile he hopes is convincing. “Sorry for worrying you, Jinnie.” 

“Just making sure.” Hyunjin pats Minho’s hand that’s resting on the table as he turns to talk to Jeongin. It doesn’t seem like he realizes the move, but Minho does, flinching a bit. He also realizes Seungmin noticed when he looks up to see the boy watching him, a look of curiosity in his expression. Minho is quick to pull his hand from the table and set it on his lap. 

The rest of the meal goes well, with all of the boys exchanging stories and laughter. Minho finds that he does enjoy their company, he really does, but he still wishes this was just a night out in Seoul instead of a week-long trip. 

Somewhere in the conversation classes are brought up, and in typical fashion, Jisung’s name is brought up, as the anger between him and Hyunjin is still prevalent. 

“Surprisingly Han Jisung hasn’t been starting arguments,” Seungmin says, picking away at his meal. “He’s been quiet recently, has been avoiding us.” 

“Maybe he’s tired of fighting?” Felix chimes in, his words seemingly unbiased. 

“How could he have gone from years of hating me to suddenly dropping it all, though?” Hyunjin says. “I don’t trust him for one second. He’s got to be planning something.” 

_No,_ Minho’s mind screams, _Jisung’s backed off because he wants me to have friendships with the three of you. And what has he done to condone this hate?_

“I would just leave him be, Jinnie.” Felix smiles at Hyunjin. “If he’s not bothering you, don’t start anything.” 

Hyunjin rolls his eyes. “I wouldn’t want to start anything, but given his whore of a mother destroyed my—” 

“Hyunjin.” 

Seungmin’s voice cuts through his words, leaving the table completely silent. Minho’s heart is pounding and his eyes are wide at Hyunjin’s sudden accusation. Jeongin and Felix are in similar states, while annoyance is written over Seungmin’s face. 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have used such foul language,” Hyunjin apologizes, but Minho can pick up the burn of hate that is still in his eyes. “Please forgive me.” 

No one answers. 

The dinner continues in silence, and Minho’s thoughts run in endless circles - why does Hyunjin hate Jisung’s mother so? Does Hyunjin hate Jisung just because of his mother? It leaves Minho feeling sick. 

He’s so confused and wants to ask Jisung, but he’s terrified to repeat what Hyunjin had said. 

“Hyung, you didn’t eat much,” Hyunjin murmurs when they’re leaving the restaurant. Minho’s plate sits on the table, nearly untouched. “Was the food not good?” 

“No, it was, I just usually don’t feel like eating a lot after a plane ride,” Minho fibs. He can see that Hyunjin doesn’t particularly believe him either, and he knows that Hyunjin probably understands it had to do with what he said. “Let’s go back to the hotel.” 

Jisung picks up the call just a few rings in and Minho sighs in relief when he hears his voice. “Min? How did your dinner go?” 

“It was okay,” Minho says while undoing his scarf and shedding his coat, placing them on the chair in the corner near his bed. “I’m glad it’s over, though. I’ve just been around so many people today that it’s nice to just be with you.” 

Jisung hums softly, and Minho can picture him sitting on the couch in Changbin’s house with the phone pressed against his ear. “What are your plans for tomorrow?” 

“I think we’re going to hike up Hallasan Mountain, the guides say it’s very pretty during winter.” 

“That sounds fun,” Jisung says, and Minho can hear his smile. “If it’s a day trip don’t worry about calling in the evening, we can always talk the next day.” 

“That might have to happen, I don’t know how long it’ll go,” Minho answers, “I’ll miss you awfully.” 

“I’ll miss you too.” 

Minho doesn’t mention what happened at dinner. 

~

“Hyung! Watch out!” 

Minho barely has a chance to react before a snowball hits him square in the chest. He stumbles back a few feet from the impact and when he regains his balance he looks around for the perpetrator. Jeongin is grinning cheekily at him from a few yards away, the remnants of snow in his gloves. 

“Lix, help me get revenge,” Minho says, glancing at the boy who had alerted him to the attack. Felix salutes him and then they prepare for war. 

Jeongin is quickly joined by Hyunjin and Seungmin who had been walking along the trail down the mountain ahead of them, and soon the snowball fight turns into a fight to the last one standing. Seungmin is ferocious but Felix gives back as good as he gets. Hyunjin and Jeongin tag-team Minho and try as he might, Minho gets snowball after snowball to his coat. 

Minho notices Felix getting pelted hard so he runs over and grabs Felix’s hand and drags him up the hill, barely making it to the outcropping boulders ahead without being hit. “Let’s make a stash,” he tells Felix, and the younger boy eagerly agrees. 

Minho pauses for a moment as they’re forming a pile of snowballs, his mind wandering. He wishes Jisung could be part of this - he wishes he could show Jisung the world outside of Seoul. He wishes Jisung could be friends with these boys. He wishes for so many things. 

“Minho-hyung!”

Minho barely has time to react to Felix’s shout before a snowball hits the side of his head, nearly knocking his hat off. He growls at the offender - Seungmin - and grabs a snowball in each hand, throwing them at the boy. 

Minho and Felix soon discover that while they had been forming their own stash the other three had been making one as well, hidden in the trees opposite them. “Let’s give it all we’ve got?” Minho questions, turning to Felix.

“Hell yes,” Felix cheers and Minho grins. 

They set off, abandoning their stash in order to hide in the trees, set on overthrowing the others. Minho creeps through the woods undetected, but before he can jump back his foot sinks into a hidden hole and he stumbles forward, his foot coming loose as he does so. But, he falls against something - someone - and is promptly knocked to the ground. 

“Hyung?” 

Groaning a bit Minho looks up to find Hyunjin above him, trapping him against the ground. “Hyunjin?” 

“You hit your head on something?” Hyunjin moves off of Minho to inspect the side of Minho’s head that he’s cradling. They easily spot the log that is now uncovered that Minho had landed on. “Come on, let’s go back. You need to rest,” Hyunjin notes after he helps Minho stand up and watches him take a few wobbly steps forward. 

Minho doesn’t fight it - he’s exhausted anyhow from the hike, and now there’s a painful ache in his head. “Okay.” Minho also doesn’t miss how Hyunjin’s hands never leave his back or waist or arms on the way back to the hotel.

~

The week passes faster than Minho thought it would. They spend each day exploring Jeju, whether it be indoors or outdoors, and the five of them banter and chat naturally, Minho finding that he doesn’t need to force anything. It’s nice. 

On their last night they sneak a few bottles of soju into the trio’s room and tell stories and dance to music late into the night. It’s fun and Minho can’t stop laughing, but his thoughts can’t stick to the present and after a few hours he makes an escape.

The rooftop garden is covered in snow, the path of pavers barely cleared. Minho walks along it with his hands in his jacket pockets, looking up at the stars. It’s easier to see them here than in Seoul - Seoul is dark and damp and the thought of it makes Minho frown. 

He only wants to go back for Jisung.

“Hyung?” 

Minho turns around quickly, spotting Hyunjin by the roof access. “What are you doing up here?” 

Hyunjin walks closer until they’re just a few feet away. “I have something for you.” 

“But,” Minho sucks in a breath when Hyunjin pulls a small velvet box out of his coat pocket. “This trip, it’s such a large gift, I can’t accept anything else.” 

“Please,” Hyunjin murmurs, smiling at him. He must take Minho’s shocked silence as an invitation because he opens the box and withdraws a thin silver necklace. 

Minho’s eyes widen. “Hyunjin, this is too much, I can’t possibly—” 

“Please, hyung. It’s just a birthday gift, there’s no other intentions behind it.” 

Minho backs up one step but Hyunjin is quicker and fastens it around Minho’s neck. Instantly the necklace weighs down on Minho - he feels like he’s being dragged into the ground, the silver choking him. It’s too much - too much - he doesn’t wear necklaces for a reason. 

Minho doesn’t realize he’s fallen into a trance before he’s jolted, Hyunjin’s arms wrapping around him in an embrace. The hug is drawn out, and Minho can feel himself growing more and more anxious with each second - he’s being strangled, arms, chain. 

Minho can smell the faintest hint of alcohol on Hyunjin’s breath when the boy leans in closer. 

He flinches hard when Hyunjin’s fingers brush his cheek, and feels himself withering away when Hyunjin leans in, his eyes slipping shut. Minho barely avoids his lips, and instead turns his head so Hyunjin kisses his cheek. When Hyunjin pulls away from him, having realized his error, Minho feels like he’s about to cry at any second.

“I need to go,” Minho whispers, and flees from the roof. 

Jeongin isn’t in their bedroom and Minho takes the opportunity to lock the door and fumble for his phone, calling Chan’s number. He feels sick, like he’s going to faint, the threat around his neck feeling like it’s sinking further and further into his skin. 

“Minho?”

Minho nearly whimpers at Jisung’s voice. His thoughts shift and suddenly he just wants Jisung to hold him and talk to him and erase the memories of the night. 

“I miss you,” Minho murmurs, playing with the edge of one of his pillowcases as he sits on the edge of the bed. “I just want to come home to you, Jiji.”

There’s a pause and Minho expects Jisung to repeat his words, but instead Jisung’s voice shifts. “You can’t solely make a life just with me, your friends are important, Min. You can’t live life pushing away other people who care for you just to stay with me. I don’t want you to have a closed off life like that, sweetheart.” 

Minho’s heartbeat stalls and then picks up at a fast speed. “What are you saying?” 

Jisung is quiet for a moment, like he’s trying to put his thoughts in order. “We’re so dependent on each other, Min. I have Chan and Changbin and you have Jeongin, but I think maybe you should spend some more time with the others, to have friendships. I love our relationship Min, I love you so much. I’m just scared that I’m pulling you too far away from your life.” 

“Oh,” Minho still can’t wrap his mind around the words. “I…” It doesn’t make sense. “Then, then I’ll go.” 

The call ends with little resistance from Jisung, and immediately after Minho’s eyes cloud over with tears. Deep down he knows Jisung’s right to some extent - he has valid reasoning. Minho’s aware that he’s spending most of his time that he’s not in school with Jisung, and that he rarely goes anywhere with his friends even though they offer. 

But he’s never been social. He’s never had even close friends, like Chan and Changbin are to Jisung. He’s only ever had Jeongin with him, and before Jeongin came into his life he was so, so alone. Minho is terrified to trust because he knows that in the end everything will hurt. 

He’s put everything he has into his relationship with Jisung because Jisung has done exactly the same. He trusts Jisung to keep him safe and happy, he trusts that Jisung truly cares for him as deeply as Minho does for him. Jisung is his focal point, and Minho’s scared to think that maybe Jisung doesn’t feel that way about him. 

Minho sits up straight and stares at the door, feeling completely shattered. He knows deep down that Jisung didn’t mean it the way he’s taking it, but he can’t help the path his mind is taking him. 

Is Jisung really pushing him away? Does Jisung not want him? Is Minho the only one who feels attached? 

He doesn’t know he’s completely spiraled until Jeongin is in front of him, eyes wide. Minho realizes faintly that he’s been walking around, completely lost in his mind. Everything is Jisung and his chest aches terribly. 

The next thing he registers is Jeongin touching his arm. Minho flinches and stumbles back, dropping to the floor to curl up into a ball. He’s shaking, shaking so badly that his teeth chatter. He can hear Jeongin talking but can’t pick up his words, too lost in a void of fear. 

_“Hyung, I can’t help you unless you tell me what’s going on. This isn’t like what you’ve had before and I want to help.”_

Too far away. 

_“I’m going to use your phone to call him, okay?”_

So far. 

“It’s Jisung.”

Minho rips the phone away from Jeongin and holds it with both hands up to his ear. “Jiji?”

“Min, love, what’s wrong?” Minho bursts into tears at Jisung’s voice, and he hears Jisung begin to panic on the other end of the line but he’s caught up in a flood of tears and sobs, his whole body shaking. After a moment Jisung’s worry turns into gentle words of comfort and ever so slowly Minho feels himself begin to calm. 

“Sweetheart, can you tell me what’s wrong?” Jisung asks, and his voice is heart wrenchingly soft. Minho squeezes his eyes closed and pretends that Jisung is right in front of him, smiling at him. 

Minho shudders, his thoughts stalling. He’s completely conflicted - deep inside he wants to get away from Jisung right now, but a big part of him is crying out for Jisung.

It’s like he’s fighting a hard battle inside himself, and he doesn’t know what to do. After a few minutes of Jisung’s worried voice Jeongin takes the phone and Minho doesn’t bother fighting. He’s so tired and scared. 

While Minho curls into himself and rocks back and forth he can feel Jeongin’s gaze on him. He hears snippets of their conversation, but nothing he can place together and make sense of. He’s lost and so scared.

Jeongin gives him the phone again, forcing him to take it. Minho shakily raises it to his ear, closing his eyes as he listens. “Minho, I’m sorry about what I said, I didn’t realize it would affect you so badly,” Jisung says. “I love you so, so much, Min, you know that. I’m sorry for hurting you.”

Jisung sounds far away, so far. Like Minho will never be able to touch him again. 

Minho doesn’t remember much, except that it takes hours for him to calm to a point where Jeongin can touch him. Even after that there’s a pain in his chest that won’t fade. 

In the early hours of the morning, before the sun rises, Minho opens one of the windows in their room and throws the necklace as far as he can, watching it land on the roof below, instantly buried in snow. 

~

The plane ride back to Seoul seems to last hours. Minho sits pressed up against the window, staring out at the sea of clouds. Jeongin is beside him, rotating through a playlist on his phone, and every once in a while he’ll offer Minho one of his earbuds, but Minho declines. 

Minho supposes he should feel something, anything, but he feels blank. It’s like his chest is empty and his mind is full of white noise. The only thing that stands out the slightest bit is the ache in his bones, a reminder of how much he misses Jisung. 

In the airport the five boys split ways - Seungmin and Felix head off together while Hyunjin waves an awkward goodbye to Minho and then steps towards the driver waiting for him at the gate. Jeongin and Minho split too, Jeongin takes Minho’s bag and heads off to where their chauffer is waiting, a lie prepared for when the man asks why Minho isn’t there. 

Minho wanted to visit a friend, he’ll be back later. 

It’s not a complete lie. 

Minho finds the bus stop with little trouble and manages to score a seat towards the back. The trip to the liquor store where he and Jisung had planned to meet is long, and Minho nods off a couple of times only to be jerked awake when the bus comes to a stop.

When the ride is over and Minho is standing at the stop, he can feel a mixture of slight car sickness and anxiety in the pit of his stomach, which makes him a bit nauseous. It adds to his already darkened mood, and just as he turns to start the trek towards the shop, the sky is slit by a crack of thunder and instantly rain begins beating down. 

Minho’s reached the end of his rope, he’s exhausted and now drenched. He gives up, doesn’t try to find shelter. He just stands next to the bus stop sign in the pouring rain with the snow turning to sludge around him and sobs. 

He doesn’t know how long he’s been standing there, but what seems like hours later the rain stops pelting him. Confused, Minho sniffles and looks up to find that an umbrella is being held over him. 

When Jisung steps out from behind him Minho blinks heavily and then begins to cry again, not bothering to hide his loud sobs. Jisung lets him cry, until he’s run out of breath, a warm hand pressed against Minho’s damp cheek. 

“Bring me home,” Minho finally says when he’s cried his heart out, his voice cracking. He doesn’t notice Jisung’s eyes widen at his words, more focused on trying to wipe the water and tears from his face. 

“Come on,” Jisung murmurs as he takes Minho’s hand in his own. Their boots squelch in the sludge as they walk towards the store, each step bringing Minho closer and closer to comfort. 

Another wave of safety washes over Minho when the door closes behind them and they’re standing in the store’s apartment. He almost unconsciously makes a beeline for the closet and slips out of his clothes, changing into Jisung’s. He feels warm, so warm, with Jisung’s scent around him. 

When he turns around Jisung is standing near the center of the room, watching Minho intently. Minho takes a breath and then hurries forward to bury himself in Jisung’s embrace. 

There’s no words, just the comfort of the hug, and when Jisung kisses Minho he’s beyond careful, giving Minho all the options to pull away. Minho’s a boy made of glass, glass that’s been shattering throughout the past days, and Jisung’s touch smooths down all his sharp edges. Jisung can’t bring back the pieces Minho has lost, he can’t rid Minho of any of his past. But he makes Minho whole again, even if he’s missing a few bits. 

Jisung’s eyes are turbulent when Minho finally looks at him. He’s conflicted - between worry and guilt. Minho wants to tell him that it’s okay, that they’ll be fine, that he doesn’t blame Jisung for anything, but he’s so tired. 

Jisung notices, just like always, and leads Minho towards the bed. Minho sits on the edge of the bed, still holding Jisung’s hand and unwilling to let go. Jisung sinks to the floor and rests his head against Minho’s knee, staring up at him, a look promising Minho that he doesn’t need to worry, and that he’s safe. 

Minho’s free hand lands in Jisung’s hair, petting the strands lightly. Jisung smiles a bit and Minho can’t help but smile back, feeling more at ease. 

They stay like that for a while, until Minho’s eyes droop, with sleep calling him. Jisung helps him lay back and pulls the covers over him before walking to the closet and changing as well. Minho watches him, waiting for him to come back, the dark of the room hiding Jisung in shadows. 

When Jisung slips into bed Minho for once is unsure of what to do. The dull ache of need makes up his mind for him and he curls up to Jisung, resting his head on his chest. Jisung holds him, and Minho feels at peace. 

“I’ve missed you,” he whispers brokenly after several long minutes. 

Jisung rubs his back, knowing that Minho finds it comforting. “I’ve missed you too.”

~

“Min, you know I didn’t mean to push you away like that. How I said what I did - I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t mean to at all,” Minho whispers. It’s the next day - he’d woken up almost expecting to be in a plush bed in a fancy hotel, but instead he awoke tangled in warm blankets, with Jisung sprawled out on his stomach next to him. A few hours later Minho had finally mustered up the courage to talk through what happened with Jisung, the pair curled against opposite armrests of the couch with their feet and calves bumping together. “It was me. I just was so overwhelmed and I got scared. It was like I was suddenly drowning and I couldn’t save myself.” He looks up at Jisung, pleading with his eyes. “The anxiety, this, what’s wrong with me?”

“We’ll figure it out, I promise.” Jisung lets Minho crawl towards him and settle into a hug.

“Hyunjin came onto me,” Minho whispers, ashamed. Instantly Jisung pulls away to look at him with hard eyes. “Before I called you. That’s why I was so upset and I think a part of why my emotions flared up after we hung up.”

“What did he do?” Jisung asks, his hands tightening on Minho’s waist. 

“He gave me a necklace and then hugged me. I think he was a little intoxicated because I could smell alcohol.” Minho takes a breath. “He tried to kiss me, but I turned so he just kissed my cheek. It was awful, Ji.”

Jisung pulls away so he can rest his head in his hands. “You were going to tell me about it and I blew you off like that.”

Minho stays silent. 

“I’m so fucking sorry, Min,” Jisung breathes, his voice coming out broken. “I’m so sorry.”

“I know that you want me to be happy, and I had a good time on the trip. But Ji, _I need you._ I need you more than anyone else. Maybe that will change some in the future, but right now that’s how I feel.” Minho fiddles with the material of Jisung’s sweater. “We need each other, don’t we?” 

“Yeah.” Jisung rests his forehead against Minho’s shoulder. “I try to keep you happy but I’ve overdone it. I’m sorry. Sometimes I just get so terrified that I’m restricting you from everything because of this hidden relationship. I feel guilty.” Jisung pulls away from Minho’s shoulder to look him in the eyes. “Forgive me for being selfish, but I need to keep you with me.” There are tears in Jisung’s eyes and Minho’s heart breaks. It’s almost always him crying - it tears at him to see Jisung in distress. He wonders faintly if Jisung feels the same when it’s Minho crying. “I’ve been so alone for so long, I’ve had no one to have meals with and no one to tell about my day. Sure, Chan and Bin, but they aren’t the stereotypical family I sometimes wish to god I had.” Jisung blinks hard but a few tears still fall. “Sleep was hard, because I knew that when I woke up I would be alone. Just like when I drifted off. But ever since you came into my life, when I wake up at night fearing loneliness you’re there.” Jisung presses his face against Minho’s shoulder and his voice comes out small and muffled. “Please don’t leave me, Minho, I need you. I can’t - if I lost you too,” he whimpers quietly and Minho feels his own tears coming on. 

“I’m not going anywhere,” he whispers as he hugs Jisung. “I promise you that, Ji. If I have to fight tooth and nail to stay with you I’ll do it. I’ll do anything. Forever, right?” 

“Forever,” Jisung whispers. “Please.” 

~

Jeongin and Minho’s parents are out of town again so Minho has plans to stay with Jisung for most of the time, and had planned a few outings for the three of them. Even with their limited interactions Jeongin has grown to like Jisung and vice versa. Minho loves seeing his two favorite people interact, and he wants them to be close. 

Minho is still tired from the trip so when Jisung had to leave for work Minho stayed behind, taking the time to nap. But he tossed and turned, unable to close his eyes, all because of thoughts revolving around his emotional breakdown while on the trip. Sighing, he finds his phone from where he buried it in the sheets next to him and pulls up his web browser. His first search is broad and he knows he won’t find much. 

_High Anxiety and Causes_

Minho clicks on the first link he sees and reads down the article. It’s nothing he hasn’t heard before - he knows he has anxiety, manifesting around social anxiety. It’s always been hard to be around people but what has been happening is different. He always found comfort with Jeongin but now he even pushes his brother away. 

_missing significant other anxiety_

Minho browses down the page, looking at the headings. Mostly forums about lovesickness which he scoffs at. 

Towards the end of the page Minho sees a link leading to some sort of bdsm forum. Minho snorts, annoyed at the search results, but for the heck of it he clicks on the link. 

As Minho reads down the new page his eyes widen, nervousness tugging at him. Between words about kinks are descriptions he’s felt - the fear of separation, the heightened senses, the distress from being away from Jisung. It’s all there, even how his mind shuts off all other thoughts until all he can think about or feel or see is Jisung. 

“I’m going crazy,” Minho groans, pulling his knees to his chest so he can rest his head against his knees. “What the hell.” 

Deep inside of him worry is building up. Minho hates the feeling. 

Nearly an hour later Minho hears the noise of the gate opening outside. He’s already pacing when Jisung enters the room, closing the door quietly and putting his bag down next to their shoes. “Hey.” 

Minho hums offhandedly, focused on the feeling of his phone between his hands. 

“Min?” Minho is practically vibrating with nerves as Jisung steps towards him. “You’re shaking, love. What’s wrong?” 

Minho lets Jisung take his hands but he’s unable to meet his eyes. “I have an idea of what’s been happening to me.” 

“Oh? What is it?” 

“You might think it’s weird,” Minho whispers, staring at the ground. “I don’t know, you probably will, I’m really confused myself,” he feels himself beginning to cry and bites down on his lip in shame. 

“Hey, come sit down, Min.” Minho lets Jisung lead him over to the bed and sits him down on the edge. Minho watches as Jisung pulls his hoodie off and raises his arms when Jisung gestures so it can be pulled over his own head. “There,” Jisung murmurs, straightening out the hoodie on Minho and then raising the hood. “You’re precious.” Jisung pulls the string of the hood and ties it, so that just Minho’s face is peeking out. 

Minho tugs at Jisung’s arm and pulls him up to sit on the bed beside him. “This anxiety isn’t like what I’ve experienced and it only started really affecting me until after we became close. The first time was after our first kiss, where obviously a lot of intense emotions happened.” He twists his fingers together in his lap, trying to calm himself. “And it’s happened every once in a while after we spend a good chunk of time together or I’m really comfortable with you or something really emotionally taxing happens. This isn’t like my anxiety because before I could rely on Jeongin. In Jeju I realized I couldn’t. All I could think about, can think about, is how overwhelming everything is and how much I want and need you.” 

Minho hands his phone over to Jisung who takes it and looks at him, concerned. “Read,” Minho says, gesturing at the screen. “I need to walk around.” 

Minho hears the sound of Jisung unlocking the phone when he stands up, and he paces over to the window, unable to stop moving as he waits for Jisung’s response. It’s awful, the wait, and he can hardly keep himself sane. But he hears Jisung’s footsteps after a handful of torturous minutes. 

“Minho, I’m going to touch you, okay?” 

Minho sniffles as he feels Jisung’s hand land on his forearm. He lets Jisung guide him back to the bed, and doesn’t fight it when Jisung sits beside him and takes one of his hands. He craves the affection - he’s terrified. 

“Sweetheart, can you tell me why you feel so strongly about telling me?” 

Minho fiddles with the fabric of his sweatpants. “Because I don’t know how to feel myself, I’ve never even thought about bdsm stuff, I just feel so awkward, if this is what I think it is, I’m scared of losing you, god is that too clingy?” 

Jisung shushes him gently and brings him into a brief kiss to calm Minho down. “I’m not going anywhere, okay? If you do have a headspace we’ll learn about it together, huh? And it doesn’t seem like it necessarily needs to be connected to sex, it seems like just having an attachment to the other person can trigger it, in some people. Come on, let me see your eyes.”

Minho raises his eyes and lets Jisung wipe away his tears. “I love you. I’m sorry.”

Jisung smiles at him as he caresses Minho’s cheek. “I love you too, and there’s nothing to be sorry about.”

Minho tugs at Jisung’s arm until he gets the message and sits beside Minho. “I’m scared.”

“We’ll figure it out,” Jisung says. “I promise.”

Though he’s worried, Minho knows Jisung will keep his promise - he always has. 

~

The next days pass in a blur - with Jisung taking him and Jeongin to his favorite restaurants and to play games of soccer and basketball in the parks with abandoned balls they find. Minho is still ruminating over the whole concept of subspace but Jisung draws him out of his circling thoughts every time with smiles and kisses. Minho finds himself even deeper in love with Jisung every day, so much so that he doesn’t think he can ever be whole without him. 

~

One night when he and Jisung are sitting together on the couch, the camping lamp on the floor beside them and casting a yellow glow around the otherwise dark room, Minho decides to tell Jisung about Jeongin and his secret. He’d asked Jeongin if it would be okay if Jisung knew and Jeongin instantly agreed, telling Minho he thought Minho had already.

Minho wants to be open with Jisung and he knows they both have things still kept private, but he figures Jeongin’s story is the first step to sharing his past.

“Jeongin came from a wealthy family but he was always hidden,” Minho starts, his head resting on Jisung’s shoulder as their fingers wind together. “His mother before her first husband passed away, had an affair which resulted in a pregnancy - Jeongin. Although Jeongin’s father, non-biological, loved him deeply, their family name would have been tarnished if Jeongin’s existence had been revealed. So Jeongin became a secret.”

“After Jeongin’s non-biological father died his mother and my father quickly got together. They married not long after, and only after the marriage was finalized did Mother reveal that she had a son.” Minho sneers, remembering the period of shock he and his father went through. “Father was so upset. But he created a story, said that they had decided to adopt a boy to promote a charity they were funding at the time. It was horrible - I was disgusted by Mother for using my father and I like that. But even though it came about terribly, I would not give up Jeongin for the world.” 

Minho sighs, trailing his fingertips over the material of Jisung’s shirt. “Jeongin saved me. After my biological mother passed it felt like I had lost everything - my father gave me little comfort and I became scared of the world. I was - and still am - scared of people, which is far from ideal when I live in a family that is under the spotlight. The years before I met Jeongin was the loneliest time I’ve ever lived through. Jeongin is my saving grace. There was no way that I could’ve made it this far without him.”

Jisung is watching Minho carefully, his expression grim. “I’m sorry you two went through that.”

“Me too.”

“I’m glad Jeongin is with you now, he’s a great person and you’re an amazing brother to him.” Jisung nudges Minho who blushes lightly. 

“I try. He’s so good to me - too good to me. I can only hope that I make him as happy as he makes me.” 

They drift off into silence, watching the shadows of artificial light on the floor. Jisung finally breaks it, and his question shocks Minho. 

“I want you to meet my parents. They’re close to my heart like Jeongin is to you, and if you would, I would like to take you to their niche.” 

Minho’s heart warms and freezes all at once, surprise coloring his expression. “Of course, Jisung. I’d love to meet your parents.” 

~

The next day Minho finds himself walking through a run down columbarium, hand clutching Jisung’s as he leads him down the hallway. After a few turns they arrive in a small room. Minho follows Jisung’s gaze to a particular niche, one with two urns. As they step closer Minho can pick up the details - specifically the picture between the two.

The couple in the photo appear to be in their late twenties, and are laughing together, their expressions bursting with happiness. Jisung looks similar to his father in most aspects, but his eyes are his mother’s. It makes Minho smile, seeing the similarities of the family. 

“Eomma, Appa, this is Minho,” Jisung says after a minute, his hand still holding fast to Minho’s. “I’ve told you about him before, he’s the one that I love.” Jisung smiles at Minho, but his eyes are glossy. Minho tightens his hold on Jisung’s hand, his heart crumbling at Jisung’s expression. “It was _so hard _,” Jisung whispers to the photo. “I wondered why I had to be left alone, and for how long I would live a life of sadness.” Jisung’s voice is wobbly with the oncoming threat of tears. “But I’m not alone anymore. And I’m not sad. I’m happy. So _happy._ ” Jisung raises his free hand to brush away the tears that had begun to fall. “I just wish you could have met him. That you could have loved him as well.” __

__Minho lets Jisung break away to step towards the glass, resting a hand on the corner of the glass. _“I miss you, so much,_ ” Jisung whispers. _ _

__Minho looks away and lets Jisung have time with his parents, and wipes a few of his own tears away. Jisung’s display of emotion is heart wrenching, and Minho aches to hold him and tell him yes, he isn’t alone._ _

__“I’m going to get some air,” Jisung says after a few minutes, and Minho nods, reaching out to squeeze his hand once. When he’s disappeared down the hallway Minho steps forward and addresses the couple._ _

__“Hello,” Minho says, bowing to the the picture. “Like Jisung said, I’m Lee Minho. I just wanted to tell you that I love and cherish your son dearly, and I promise I’ll do everything I can to keep him safe. I wish I could have met you both, Jisung keeps you close to his heart and I would have loved to meet the people who raised him.” He stares at the happy couple for a moment, wishing that their smiles weren’t frozen in time. “Jisung is so brave. He’s been brave for a long time, he’s never asked for anything. I...I want to give him the option to be free and let down his walls. Jisung deserves so much - so many things I’ll never be able to give him - but I hope I can do that one thing for him. I hope that I’ll be able to help your son love life and live to the fullest. I owe him that, because it’s what he’s done for me.”_ _

__

__When Minho steps out of the columbarium he finds Jisung sitting on a bench set against the side of the building with his head resting in his hands._ _

__Minho walks over and kneels in front of him, his hands coming to rest atop Jisung’s knees. “Ji?”_ _

__“Every time I come here I go in thinking that it won’t hurt like it has for so long. Every time I prove myself wrong.” Jisung’s words are muffled by his hands._ _

__“Jisung, darling,” Minho takes his wrists and pulls his hands away. Jisung’s eyes are red and there’s a kind of hopelessness in them that Minho instantly hates. “When you love someone and lose them, I don’t think the pain will ever truly disappear. Loving is something special and rare, and though it feels so good, people who have the ability to love and are loved carry the most burdens.” Minho presses his and Jisung’s joined hands against Jisung’s chest, so they can feel the faint rhythm of his heart. “Your heart beats for so many people,” Minho whispers, watching their hands. “And sometimes it will hurt but Chan, Changbin, your parents,” he takes their other hands and presses them against his own chest, and he hears Jisung’s breath hitch as they feel their hearts beat in tandem._ _

__Minho looks up at Jisung, looks deep into his eyes, past every defense Jisung keeps around himself. His voice is quiet and shaky when he finally speaks. “Their hearts beat for you just as loudly. They’ll always beat for you.”_ _

__Jisung’s eyes become soft with tears and Minho’s heart aches. “I miss them so much,” he whispers, the words accompanied by falling tears._ _

__“I know,” Minho murmurs, allowing Jisung to pull him up and onto his lap so he can hide his face against Minho’s neck. “I know.” His fingers find their way into Jisung’s hair and he combs through the strands in an attempt to calm him down._ _

__“I don’t deserve you.” Minho barely catches it but it’s there nonetheless._ _

__“You do,” Minho replies, “you deserve so, so much.”_ _

__“I love you, Minho, I love you so much.” Jisung’s voice wavers and Minho can feel the dampness of tears against his neck._ _

__“I love you too.” Jisung’s shoulders shake and Minho secures his arms around the boy, for once being the one to protect him from the world. “It’s alright to cry, Jisung, and I’ll always be here for you.”_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love me a minho x changbin friendship 
> 
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